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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not ask dh nicely to pick up after himself?

45 replies

CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 14:57

Dh will be abit of a slob if it was up to him. I on the other hand like everything in its place and things organised.

Dh has a habit of getting out of bed last but not making the bed, having a shower but not rinsing the bath out or pulling the shower curtain across to dry. He also never opens the blinds upstairs once he is dressed as hes always the last to be dressed. He will turn lights on rather than open the blinds. He just doesnt notice apparently.

I wipe the kitchen surfaces around 6 times a day. Dh comes along and makes a sandwich and coffee and leaves crumbs and sugar on the surfaces and puts pots in the bowl rather than the empty dishwasher.

Im getting fed up of going round after him with a cloth or making the bed after him or rinsing the bath out after his shower.

I ve started calling dh back to clean up after himself and i must admit i may not say it in the nicest possible way as imo he should clean up in the first place.

Dh is complaining that i dont ask him nicely to clean his mess up if he hasnt done it, and i would get a much better response from him if i asked nicely instead of it turning into abit of a row.

I feel i shouldnt have to ask nicely if hes left things a mess when he knows hes to clean up after himself.

Who is bu?

OP posts:

Original poster

CountingThePennies · 01/03/2015 15:39

I feel hes slowly getting worse, i dont remember him being this bad say 2 years ago

OP posts:

LineRunner · 01/03/2015 15:43

He doesn't forget. He just doesn't want to do it.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 15:51

Op have you read the thread that's just been posted about why should the tidy person be considered right? Might be an interesting perspective.

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/03/2015 15:55

'He just doesn't want to do it.'

Fair enough! It's his house too. The OP doesn't get to set the rules.

OP you need to sit down and agree what is and isn't reasonable and then you both need to stick to that. You don't get to decide unilaterally what is and isn't acceptable. You're not his mum.

LineRunner · 01/03/2015 15:59

I think leaving the bath/shower in a state fit for the next person to use it is basic manners.

Wafting a duvet tidily onto a bed takes five seconds. Pillows another ten.

Not doing those simple things in a family / couple environment is a bit crap.

clickcrackclunk · 01/03/2015 16:02

If he doesn't do it because he simply forgets, then he should be fine with a simple reminder, not a grovelling please-would-you-mind-awfully-I'd-be-so-grateful approach, and he should be apologising for forgetting.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 16:04

Yes but the thing is people don't agree on what a fit state is... However much you might wish that there was one "correct" objective standard, there just isn't. What can you do but work out a compromise?

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/03/2015 16:05

I'm with you on the bath/shower thing line. The bed wouldn't bother me at all. It's about compromise. The crumbs would annoy me. Don't care about the blinds.

LineRunner · 01/03/2015 16:07

Yes I see your point, crocodile. I tend to err towards 'good enough', so in the case of the bath it would be no scum, no hair. I wouldn't expect Barry Scott to have been and gone. But the OP did say just a rinse would do.

bonzo77 · 01/03/2015 16:18

DH and I have had yet another massive row about this. Added to early pregnancy horror, terrible sleep deprivation due to DCs with chicken pox and uncertainty over work, I'm ready to walk. I have no answers any more. It's like banging my head on a brick wall. I want one of us, me or him or the kids to suffer some terrible nearly life changing accident so he can see the results of his crappness. For me to fall and break something slipping in his crap on the stairs. The toddler to have surgery to remove a cuff link he's left lying around. The four year old to have his stomach pumped after taking medication he's left lying around. Him to have a major rta because I'm the only one who can take responsibility for maintaining the cars. The fact is there is no solution. He doesn't give a shit. I do. I inevitably have to deal with the consequences. He won't because he's always at work, or hobbies, or doing other people favours.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 16:20

Yes I do agree that making the bed and rinsing the shower are not at all unreasonable requests. But I do think that they are still things that have to be agreed rather than imposed by one person, which is the impression I have from the op. I think working out some actual rules on compromise terms would benefit op even if she has to give up some ground - the stuff that's agreed on is more likely to get done and she won't have her blood pressure raised by to the stuff that isn't agreed on. My dh is v tidy for eg and I obviously try to pull my weight, but he knows that when I'm heading out to work at 6.30 I'm not going to wash up my breakfast things or make the bed. So he doesn't get annoyed that stuff is left in the sink til evening, even though it'd be his preference that it wasn't.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2015 16:22

I do think yabu to unilaterally impose rules and then tell him off for not sticking to them. Absolutely. I don't mind mess, DH does. We compromise. Being rudely told to clean my mess would really piss me off. Passive resistance, anyone?

LineRunner · 01/03/2015 16:25

bonzo, I am so sorry you are going though this. Do you have your own thread, for some support? You sound like you could do with it. Those negative thoughts are not good for you - although I understand completely why you are having them.

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/03/2015 16:29

bonzo I think you might need some help. Hoping your toddler has to have surgery to teach your DH to pick up his cuff links is quite troubling.

clickcrackclunk · 01/03/2015 16:39

OP's DH doesn't seem to have explicitly objected to OP's standards though, just claims to forget to do it, and then gets pissed off when OP gets pissed off.

If he does object then it is his responsibility to explain to OP what he believes should happen around the house, and together they can reach a compromise, instead of passively resisting and expecting to be asked nicely.

APotNoodleandaTommy · 01/03/2015 16:39

You sound really controlling

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 16:43

Agreed - bonzo I do hope that you are able to get some support. Have you got a friend or family member you can turn to and confide in. I think it might also be worth letting a gp know how you're feeling - you do sound depressed. Unfortunately on the nhs you may have to push to get depression taken seriously but having benefitted from treatment for it myself I can say that it is worthwhile seeking help. Good luck.

bonzo77 · 01/03/2015 17:11

Sorry for derailing. I have been treated for PND. I am expecting to again after this baby arrives. But actually I don't have any mh issues. I have a DH and family who appear supportive but actually do virtually fuck all.

crocodiledundeelady · 01/03/2015 17:17

Does your dh know how stressed you're feeling bonzo. I wonder if letting him know outside the context if an argument might be the way forward.

bonzo77 · 01/03/2015 17:30

DH knows. Makes all the right noises. Steps up to it for 5 minutes. Then back to square one. I'm particularly wild about it due to preg hormones. But the feelings would be there regardless, and the hormones simply reduce my coping potential and exaggerate my response. He's always worst when I'm vulnerable. Was just like this after a MC and after Ds2 was born. Im sure one could analyse his state of mind and find an -excuse-- explanation. But I'm beyond caring.

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