School Help

[Flissypix]

I am looking for advice I am quite cross but as its my dd can't decide if I am being UR.
My dd who is 8 has been doing gymnastics since she was 2.5. She did it for fun and her coach outside of school was also a teacher at school. Just over a year ago she moved to a new Gym and is now a competitive gymnast she trains 12 hours a week. When she made the move the teacher/coach was awful and made life very difficult for my dd (I posted on here)We complained to the school as she was horrible. My dd moved to another class in september and we just stay away from the teacher.
Anyway a few months ago said teacher approached me at a meeting and asked if my dd would consider trying out for the school team. I really wanted to avoid it but said I would speak to dd. I did and she said 'no I don't want to Mrs X never picks me for anything'. Teacher approached me again so I talked to dd again and she said she would go for it.
My dd really lacks confidence and is under CAHMS for anxiety however she is totally at home and in her element with gymnastics. It her 'thing'
My dd tried out on Friday and was left out of the team the coach said she wasn't good enough. She then picked 4 girls who go to her gym and few with no experience at all! My daughter grades next weekend and it has really knocked her confidence and she keeps saying Mrs X says I am not good enough. Without sounding like a braggy witch I know for a fact my daughter is hands down the best gymnast at the school (its a small school) she has won the Sports personality award twice and at her last competition she came 3rd in the county (obviously against competitive gymnasts.)
I am furious that she approached me twice and then did this knowing that how shy my dd is and how much courage it took for her to try out. I feel like it was quite personal and unneccesarily unkind.
I want an explanation AIBU?

I agree it sounds like she has been very underhand and spiteful. I volunteer at a school and know first hand that, like in any walk of life/profession, there are ALWAYS a proportion of people who are just not nice - regardless of what they do for a living. Not sure why people seem reluctant to believe some teachers can be like this?, law of averages and all that (am not teacher bashing, there are some fab ones too)

Don't think I would pursue it though as she's already proved she's beyond being professional even after having a complaint against her and on this occasion it would be hard to prove anything even though you know deep down what the score is. Normally I wouldn't advocate it but in these circumstances if you think it would make your DD feel better I would just tell her what you think - that she is very talented and that you think she didn't get picked because the teacher is being unfair and to stay away. Why should she go around thinking she's crap at something when she clearly isn't and the best thing she can do is go win some more of those medals .

rhonda yes - why the ?

YANBU. I would make an appointment with the teacher and ask for some feedback on where dd went wrong and see what she says. I would also be tempted to e-mail the head in confidence outlining what has happened as a matter of record. This way it is documented if you have further problems with this teacher with either of your dds. Is it such a small school that dd2 will definitely have her or could you request another class?

Ds2 has ASD and was thought to have selective mutism in infants. He remains an anxious young adult child and has great difficulty in speaking to people he doesn't know very well. He does, however, play in several orchestras sometimes in front of several hundred people and has on occasions performed solo on his violin but really struggles (and often refuses) to play piano in concerts or indeed in public. I completely 'get' why you don't want your dds confidence knocked in any way.

Thank you for all the replies, I think I will speak to the school and use the approach suggested by Tween and blackeyed.
Eva50 Your DS sounds like my dd, and you know the work that parents have to put in to constantly reassure that everything will be ok, this has really set my dd back.
Rhonda- I have read back my posts and can't see where I have said 'we' in reference to my dd's gym? I have no issue with her living a breathing gymnastics.As for what is best for a child with anxiety it's not a 1 size fits all since she started in this club the difference in her is remarkable from a confidence and anxiety perspective. We put no pressure on her and if she wants to leave at any time even mid comp she can and has.

Are you sure you dd was eligible for the competition that she was trying out for? Local schools round us have two gym competitions - one's for children who haven't done gym out of school, and is definitely just forward rolls, failed attempts at cartwheels and headstands. The other competition is the proper one, for children who actually do gym.

It is just possible the teacher wants your dd to take part in a later competition but feels that she can't pick your dd unless she actually goes to the school gym club - certainly, I'd be annoyed if my child religiously attended a school club and was left out of the school team for another child who never did anything with the school.

OP, I've spotted 3 references to "we" or "us" in your posts about this issue.

You describe feeling "cross", "furious" and describe the teacher as a "massive cow".

This whole thing comes over as being as much about your feelings as about your DD's.

Rhonda- You may have spotted we and us but they weren't in relation to her gymnastics but to the situation. I am cross etc and I do think the teacher is a cow I still don't get your point. Am I not allowed to feel that way?
Jee
I am pretty sure she was eligible if she wasn't why would she ask her to try out? Plus some of the girls chosen do gymnastic outside of school.
There isn't a school club atm as far as I am aware they pick the team and then start training after that for the competitions that take place from April.

little, almost everything about your post is alarming if it's been written by a teacher. But the two sentences in your post that jumped out at me were:

OP I can see where you are coming from and yes, it looks to me as though your DD has been deliberately set up by this nasty cow.

I think this would maybe give her back her confidence if she knew the teacher was playing some sick kind of power game rather than it being anything to do with her ability?

Obviously we have no way of hearing the teacher's side of the story. But you, as a teacher yourself, seem happy to take one person's version of events entirely at face value and have concluded that the most likely explanation is that the teacher is basically a nasty piece of work.

Surely from your teacher training and the school behaviour policies where you work, you know that you can't come to any conclusion until you've heard both sides?

At least the OP has admitted she needs to make further enquiries, rather than make the assumptions you have with only a fraction of the information.

Rhonda I still have no idea where you are coming from. I am a teacher - I have referred to this fact many times in previous threads. I am also a college lecturer. I am also a Head of Department. Carry on feeling alarmed by this if you must.

I assume you are the sort of person who thinks being a teacher means you shouldn't be challenged? I am proud to say that I do challenge or report vindictive behaviour when I see or hear it. I believe that most parents would far rather know that there are teaching staff out there who are willing to accept that there are "bad apples" and that this needs addressing.

Aside from the rare occurrences where someone hacks into an OPs thread and gives the other side of the story, we are always presented with just one side on MN. I choose to believe what the OP says unless their story sounds incredible.

This OP sounds totally credible to me.

You may have your own reasons for being sensitive about being accused of workplace nastiness but I don't think attacking me is helping the OP who has come here for help. I am not going to feed you any longer so will bow out of this thread and "hide it" in the hope that this stops you hijacking it with your own agenda.

Callooh, Why and what do you agree with?
She asked repeatedly that is the confusing part. I wouldn't seek out a parent who I had previous issues with specifically ask their child to try out and then not offer a place. Surely it's asking to stir up previous problems? Why not just leave her out of it, she wouldn't have tried out if she hadn't specifically asked her to.

Ejzuudjej- Thank you I agree with you also, I think everything littleleftie said was perfectly normal and helpful. I will raise it with school but it seems very unlikely that my dd2 will avoid this teacher as there is only 1 class per year so she will no doubt have this teacher. Which is the other reason I feel like I need to say something as last year we didn't raise anything until their had been several issues because I didn't want to seem like a nut case when she was suddenly left out and treated very differently.I don't want to be in same position with dd2.

Could it be that teacher was pressured to include your dd in the selection process by someone else in the school who was trying to recognise her achievements. Many schools love claiming the kudos even if not directly responsible.

Sorry to say there are teachers who are vindictive, who have favourites and scapegoats, and can be devious in the way they treat children. I know because I have worked with some. And this happened to my granddaughter. She has mild learning difficulties but was picked on for stupid things like not fastening her coat, or her spelling even though she has now been diagnosed as dyslexic.

You may have your own reasons for being sensitive about being accused of workplace nastiness

I don't blame you for leaving the thread, little.

I would if I posted something this vindictive.

OP, the PE teacher sounds a bit like the one I had at school! But mine must be long retired by now.

Many moons ago at secondary school, I clearly performed a more complicated routine than my competitor who was placed first. Even the other girl admitted to me afterwards that I was obviously better. The only reason she came first was that she went to the local gym club run by the PE teacher. I didn't because my parents couldn't afford to send me to any after school clubs.

I left school at 16 because I was so fed up of being treated less favourably by various staff simply for being too poor.

Favouritism at school or in the workplace is insidious and ultimately unproductive.

Though knowing a little bit about gym, they class it depending on how much you train per week.
There also used to (may still be but I don't know) an inter-school competition which was only open to children who only trained at school and didn't do any other.
That's why a child who doesn't train elsewhere could get a place rather than someone who trains 12 hours. They wouldn't be up against each other, as they would be totally different categories.

Also I know of a case in a high competition where a child who performed a less complicated routine won. Because the children from another group had been trained to do things that were considered beyond what they should be doing (for health grounds) at their age. I can't remember exactly what it was (my dc weren't involved), but the child from one club who had been taught the correct way of doing it for her age won effectively by default.

We don't know exactly what happened here. But it could be something similar. Not necessarily the teacher being mean.

Since you were specifically asked to put your DD forward, I think I would politely put the ball back in the teacher's court and ask (i) the criteria for selection and (ii) where your DD failed to make the grade.

After that I would chalk it up as an unfortunate experience and focus on the club gymnastics - as your dd is doing county level competitions it's not as if she is going to miss out on anything by not being on the school team and in fact it may be a blessing in disguise as a child doing competitive sport already has enough commitments without adding to her workload.

I don't see hwat is so unbelievable about children with AS having extreme anxieties yet being able to perform at their special talent, That is exactly what my child is like. She can get on stage and sing in front of anyone, but will be terrified at home if parents' evening is coming up, or a birthday party, or Christmas, or cinema trip, or in fact pretty much fucking everything else other children seem to handle perfectly well. Put her on stage though...

thoth, as I posted upthread, the OP stated that her DD does not have a diagnosis but is being assessed for ASD.

The only comments on here have been about posters being impressed she is able to take part in a competitive sport to a very high level, despite suffering from anxiety severe enough to have CAMHS involvement.

diagnosis isn't everything. it's supposed to be based on the child's NEEDS.

Yes, but even the OP said she hasn't been diagnosed, so maybe that's why she doesn't describe her DD as having ASD.

Sounds like pure spite from the teacher but you have played right into her hands - you shouldn't have encouraged her to try out. You knew this teacher was nasty so why would you want your child anywhere near her? I can understand it if your DD was desperate to try out but it sounds like you pushed her to.
Unfortunately now if you complain it makes you look very unreasonable.

Sounds like the teacher wanted to reject your daughter in the same way your daughter "rejected" her by changing coach. Pretty horrible and childish really!