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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School Help

87 replies

Flissypix · 28/02/2015 23:06

I am looking for advice I am quite cross but as its my dd can't decide if I am being UR.
My dd who is 8 has been doing gymnastics since she was 2.5. She did it for fun and her coach outside of school was also a teacher at school. Just over a year ago she moved to a new Gym and is now a competitive gymnast she trains 12 hours a week. When she made the move the teacher/coach was awful and made life very difficult for my dd (I posted on here)We complained to the school as she was horrible. My dd moved to another class in september and we just stay away from the teacher.
Anyway a few months ago said teacher approached me at a meeting and asked if my dd would consider trying out for the school team. I really wanted to avoid it but said I would speak to dd. I did and she said 'no I don't want to Mrs X never picks me for anything'. Teacher approached me again so I talked to dd again and she said she would go for it.
My dd really lacks confidence and is under CAHMS for anxiety however she is totally at home and in her element with gymnastics. It her 'thing'
My dd tried out on Friday and was left out of the team the coach said she wasn't good enough. She then picked 4 girls who go to her gym and few with no experience at all! My daughter grades next weekend and it has really knocked her confidence and she keeps saying Mrs X says I am not good enough. Without sounding like a braggy witch I know for a fact my daughter is hands down the best gymnast at the school (its a small school) she has won the Sports personality award twice and at her last competition she came 3rd in the county (obviously against competitive gymnasts.)
I am furious that she approached me twice and then did this knowing that how shy my dd is and how much courage it took for her to try out. I feel like it was quite personal and unneccesarily unkind.
I want an explanation AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flissypix · 01/03/2015 00:19

Culture- That's what we had done so far and my dd missed out on a show that all her friends were in. As we avoided the teacher. I thought perhaps she had changed and it would be fine. My dd works so hard and really struggles not to run and hide in a corner at try outs and competitions. Gymnastics is something she loves and it was just unneccessary to pester just to say no.
Biscuit-Thank you! That's how I feel, I will avoid her in future. Pretty difficult tbh in such a small school and my dd2 will no doubt have this teacher soon as well, which I am already dreading!

OP posts:

Original poster

Flissypix · 01/03/2015 00:24

Culture-I don't really know I feel like someone needs call this teacher out on her shitty behaviour. I am not the only parent who feels she is dreadfully unprofessional and if a child is not at her gym she treats them differently and has a group of favourites.

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/03/2015 00:26

OK. I don't think you should take on the teacher. You don't need to. If your DD is enjoying her gymnastics club then that's good enough. Sell it to your DD as not matching the other girls. If she needs reassurance it's because she's an individual talent rather than a team person. Or she has a different style. Don't focus on whether the teacher has failed her.
It's all in the spin. You won't get a climb down or apology so it's up to you to bolster her confidence and make it work. Schools competition may be very different to competitive gymnastics. My school swimming team was anyone who volunteered in the right categories whereas my club was focussed on making sure you could win whilst meeting strict rules on strokes and finishing.

CultureSucksDownWords · 01/03/2015 00:27

I think it would be very difficult to complain about the selection for this recent event without having seen it yourself. The teacher can always hide behind "your dd didn't perform on the day" type comments.

I would be quite concerned with the "Mrs X never picks me for anything comment" - do you know where this is coming from? What things does this teacher pick teams for other than the gymnastics?

Summeblaze · 01/03/2015 00:34

I don't think YABU at all. I read it that the teacher has taken a dislike to your dd as she was a great gymnast but chose to leave her club.

She seems to have used this school try out as some sort of up yours.

As we all know, being an adult and a teacher does not stop you being a twat.

Original poster

Flissypix · 01/03/2015 00:37

It comes from dd having a crap time in her class last year where she was ignored,punished and left of EVERYTHING! There was never an issue with her behaviour but the teacher really was awful to her.
That is my issue I really don't want to be that crazy parent demanding their child is marvellous. My DH is a teacher so I am aware of how precious we could sound, but I really feel like the teacher is being quite frankly being a massive old cow.
I am most concerned that the teacher approached me twice and then when we reluctantly agreed threw it in dds face. I know what is expected from the school comp and my dd could do it in her sleep. She lives and breathes gymnastics it's not about talent. However I don't want there to be more to the story than dd has I just want an answer.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 01/03/2015 00:42

I can see why your cross. Dd didn't want to try out and only reconsidered when asked twice but then not picked. I would be understandably confused and upset too over unnecessary stress this has caused.

I think I would be having a word if this is affecting her anxiety. I would be asking why she was asked twice to try out when the teacher has seen her ability already in competition then didn't pick her and tell her she wasn't good enough when they know she is under cahms for anxiety.

To me it does seem mean and sneaky as it's hard to give a bald reason to complain against as it could look like sour grapes because she didn't make the team.

CultureSucksDownWords · 01/03/2015 00:46

At least your DD doesn't have any direct contact with this teacher this year. I think you just oust have to concentrate on keeping this woman away from your DD even if it does mean your DD not doing gym things at/for school. Could you explain it to your DD along the lines of the gym outside of school is more important and she doesn't need the in school stuff?

Trying to take the teacher down is a very difficult task to take on. You would need a lot of hard evidence of wrongdoing to show to the headteacher. Especially if this tryout is the only incidence this academic year.

Backtobedlam · 01/03/2015 00:50

It sounds really mean that she pushed your dd to try out and then didn't pick her. There's no way she wouldnt be good enough for the school team surely, how many competitive gymnasts can a small school have? I would try not to show your dd your upset, but speak to the school and major on the fact she pushed your dd to try out, and the knock her confidence has taken because of this...it was setting her up for a fall which is just really spiteful.

Anomaly · 01/03/2015 01:02

I would talk to the head teacher. You can explain what happened and why you're annoyed. Nothing may come of it but a good head teacher would want to know about it.

Hakluyt · 01/03/2015 01:04

I would make an appointment and go and talk to the teacher. Find out what her thinking is. No point speculating...

maddening · 01/03/2015 07:58

Yanbu - being told specifically "you are not good enough" is different to not medalling and I imagine not making the team would normally be met with "sorry you didn't make it this time" etc rather than a "you aren't good enough".

Coupled with the teacher who has previously had a vendetta over moving gyms and that she asked her to try out twice (indicating she really wanted her on the school team) does indicate that she wanted another dig.

I don't know whether I would speak to anyone but I get why you are upset.

All you can do is focus on your daughter's confidence.

greeneggsandjam · 01/03/2015 08:11

I have always been on the side of the teacher in every thread I have come across related to school issues but in this case I'm on the side of the parent.

The teacher has already had to apologise once for her actions. Why on earth would she approach the same parent twice to ask her daughter to try out for a club only to say 'no, sorry, not good enough'. She must know that you wont be happy about it. If your daughter is good enough to compete at county level then surely she is good enough for a school team. I would be going back and asking for more detailed information as to why exactly she wasn't good enough. I would also be going to the head and giving her the story along with the effect the knockback has had on your daughter who never wanted to try out for it in the first place. And I never read threads and think, 'go and complain to the head'!

What a strange teacher.

notquiteruralbliss · 01/03/2015 08:21

Teacher sounds horrid. One of my DDs plays a sport to a reasonable level outside school and is regularly asked to play matches for the school despite not doing the in school club. They know DD trains regularly and plays with other team members outside school.

Debinaround · 01/03/2015 08:55

This teacher sounds like a prize bitch!

Sounds like she did a nasty trick to "punish" you and your DD.

A lot of people have said that you should tell your daughter she is maybe not a good fit with the other girls on the team so that is why she wasn't picked. It's a good life lesson etc.

Rubbish.

A good life lesson is to teach her that not everybody is fair and
sometimes you come across people who have their favourites and it doesn't matter how well you do, you are not going get on with people like that.

I'm sure lots of people have had a boss like this. I know I have.

If you want to complain about this teacher do it. Nothing might get done about it but at least your daughter will see your not letting this teacher go unchallenged.
Or tell the teacher to shove her gymnastics up her arse and forget about her.

Your DD sounds too good to be on her team anyway.

LIZS · 01/03/2015 09:01

Maybe she just wasn't what was required on this occasion , maybe she didn't do her best on the day, maybe there would have been conflicts over training times. Tbh it is always difficult to mix hobbies and school, it blurs lines and can create friction among the children, parents and teachers. Friends had similar experience and in the end it was the school's loss.

ChaiseLounger · 01/03/2015 09:16

I also agree that this was really mean. a gymnastics teacher with a grudge!!
your daughter left her group and it would seem that she still can't get over it.

on MN you are practically not allowed to say that, about a teacher, because teachers just could never do such a nasty thing, but really we all know some adults really do actually do vindictive things.

she approached you. twice.
and the people saying maybe your dd didn't perform, on that day, for her, oh purlease.

even me, who did gymnastics BAGA awards back in the 80's (really showing my age now!!) knows teacher would give her right arm to have some one who was even able to do a flick flack!!

and then one poster said she was surprised that she even did gymnastics with her ASD! oh dear, for such views!

hope you get this all sorted.

SuburbanRhonda · 01/03/2015 09:21

OP, I'm not going to comment on whether the teacher has been "unprofessional" or a "massive old cow". We don't have her side of this story.

But if you read through your last two posts and still can't see why you need to work on your own resilience, in order to be better able to support your DD through the disappointments which are an inevitable part of competitive sport, that is a concern.

Perhaps, as a starting point, you could stop talking about "we" when it comes to the gymnastics. And maybe get her interested in other activities so that she doesn't "live and breathe gymnastics", which isn't the kind of approach anyone should foster in an overly anxious eight-year-old.

Elmersnewfriend · 01/03/2015 09:25

I don't think YABU either.

Who at school helped with the CAHMS? I think that I would be talking to them / head of year in the first instance.

SuburbanRhonda · 01/03/2015 09:26

chaise, I've read posts that say it's impressive the OP's DD has achieved so highly at county level when she is under CAMHS for anxiety, but none which expresses surprise that she is competing with ASD.

I thought the OP said she was being assessed for possible ASD, not that she already has a diagnosis of it?

LuluJakey1 · 01/03/2015 09:30

Just avoid the school team from now on and stick to outside club. Problem solved.

PE teachers can get arsey and precious about it but so can parents of children who are talented at sports.

You aren't going to resolve this to your satisfaction.

littleleftie · 01/03/2015 09:37

OP I can see where you are coming from and yes, it looks to me as though your DD has been deliberately set up by this nasty cow.

I agree with PP that you have to rise above it and distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Would DD understand if you explained to her what the teacher has done? I think this would maybe give her back her confidence if she knew the teacher was playing some sick kind of power game rather than it being anything to do with her ability?

I work as a teacher and there are some people who just should not be teaching. I have heard teachers bragging about this kind of thing, and even one who bragged about deliberately tripping up a child they disliked. As PP have said though, this is all about resilience and learning that not everyone wishes you well

TeenAndTween · 01/03/2015 09:54

Can you go and see the class teacher, or senco or whoever and say:

Please can you keep an eye out for DD. As you know she is a county gymnast and teacher asked her twice to try out for the school team, but DD was then told she 'wasn't good enough' (at least that's the message she got). She is very upset (especially after all the trouble with teacher last year). I just want you to know because you know how fragile she is.

That way you drop teacher in it without going all guns blazing, and your DD gets support.

SuburbanRhonda · 01/03/2015 09:54

little

You're a teacher?

BlackeyedSusan · 01/03/2015 10:01

if you are going ot say anything to the school, I would phrase it as she tried out and did not get in and it has knocked her confidence, please keep an eye on her... sort of thing. the head/deputy/class teacher (whichever is easiest to speak to) can make their own minds up about the motivation of the teacher involved.

maybe mention that you were asked twice and so dd got her hopes up a little, please can we work togther on helping her deal with disappointment.

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