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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about my friend messaging my son like this?

48 replies

Caff2 · 27/02/2015 21:42

I have a very old friend (of 20 years, we met when teenagers) who is my DS1's godfather. DS1 is 15 this year. My friend had a facebook chat with DS1 last night - I only know about this because my son told me - where he said he was sorry for not being a very good godparent, and if DS1 wanted to chat to him any time, he could. And that if he wanted to talk about any issues with his parents (us!) or anything, then he would always be there to listen. Friend has only met DS1 a handful of times since he was very little.

DS1 told me and said he thought it was a bit weird, and that my friend seemed to want him to "open up" about his life and particularly any issues with us as parents that he didn't feel he could talk to us about. Well, I assume he hasn't got any as he told me all about this message conversation, and seemed to find it quite funny.

I don't even know why I feel a bit uncomfortable about this, so maybe that means I am, in fact, being unreasonable.

OP posts:
RainbowFlutterby · 27/02/2015 21:45

Maybe someone's "told him off" for being a crap godparent and has told him how to do it properly, and getting it spectacularly wrong.

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 21:46

I think it was nice of him to be honest. Does everyone one these days think its creepy to apologise for not being a good godparent these days? You were the one that gave him that status in the first place Confused

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 21:46

I seem to like the word "these days" Grin

APlaceInTheWinter · 27/02/2015 21:48

If he is a trusted friend then YABU. He was letting your son know that he has another adult in his life that he can talk to, I actually think it's very kind.

I guess you're feeling odd because your friend didn't discuss it with you first. It's almost as though he went behind your back to establish his own relationship with your son. But if your DS does choose to confide in him then it's important that your DS knows their relationship is separate from the one your friend has with you.

Of course if he hasn't seen your DS much because you decided he was a horrendous godfather and you wouldn't trust him to offer advice to a gerbil then I can understand your unease Grin

crje · 27/02/2015 21:48

My brother would do this kind of thing occasionally.
Tell your ds to politely decline.
It's actually sweet in a weird way lol

wowfudge · 27/02/2015 21:49

It's not the apologising the OP has an issue with, it's the offer to be there to talk about any personal issues when the eejit barely knows the lad!

A crack-handed attempt I'd say.

Original poster
Caff2 · 27/02/2015 21:49

I didn't think it was creepy - my friend is not a creep! It's just that he seemed (according to DS1) to have spent quite a long time trying to get DS to talk about his problems with his parents and ask him personal stuff that DS1 (who doesn't know him that well - he has been a bit of a bad choice godparent Grin ) found a bit odd.

Friend doesn't have kids so maybe he misjudged how a teenager would see his chat and thought he was being matey or whatever.

OP posts:
Debinaround · 27/02/2015 21:49

It is a bit strange if your friend doesn't really know your DS.

Do you keep in touch with your friend much? Have you maybe said something that has made him think he hasn't been very involved in your DS life and is he is feeling a bit guilty?

YANBU

Fairenuff · 27/02/2015 21:50

I think it's odd. He may have good intentions but it sounds like he is encouraging your ds to confide in him, rather than turning to you.

rinabean · 27/02/2015 21:50

No that's good. It's nice for him to have someone like that to talk to. Normally it's your aunt or uncle but this is better in a way because it can't stir up sibling/family problems.

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 21:51

Why is every little thing turned from a molehill into a mountain.

rinabean · 27/02/2015 21:52

And your son might be acting like 'why would I talk to him' but I see that you're being 100% 'how ridiculous to think that our son would have anything to say about us' - but even a 15 year old tries to please its parents you know? I can see him wanting to whinge at him about how unfaaaiir you are in the next few years haha. Either way it's good for him to have an option outside of his parents & school for a sensible adult to talk to

cedricsneer · 27/02/2015 21:53

Nice. He's had a sudden attack of conscience. Not all that unusual I wouldn't think...

APlaceInTheWinter · 27/02/2015 21:54

I think it's good if teenagers feel they have another adult they can turn to, but it's odd if he was trying to create a false intimacy and foist a confessional atmosphere on your DS.

On the bright side at least your DS told you about it.

If it was me, I'd call my friend and see what had prompted their sudden interest in their godparenting duties but I am incredibly nosy

Salmotrutta · 27/02/2015 21:55

I don't do FaceBook but it's my understanding that its possible to "chat" like a forum?

Well, they were having a chat then. And maybe your friend just felt a bit shit about not being proactive as a god parent.

Or maybe not and maybe it is a bit odd.

You know your friend well presumably?

Original poster
Caff2 · 27/02/2015 21:57

Oh - I missed lots of posts! Thanks for replies - a bit of a mix of responses. Friend is, and always has been one to "talk things through" and likes to sort of rescue people and be a "rock" sort of person - I like him very much but this is kind of typical of him. If he said "How are you?" and you said "Well, OK, a bit tired" he'd want to ask you all about your emotional health and stress levels Grin

OP posts:
museumum · 27/02/2015 22:00

That's what godparents are for isn't it? An adult outside the immediate family to talk to.
Ok, he's been rubbish so far but is obv trying to make up for it.
In many ways the other adult thing is most important about now (mid-teens).

APlaceInTheWinter · 27/02/2015 22:02

Oh, send him to talk to me then. I'd like someone to listen to all my moans and groans, and analyse my stress levels Grin

It sounds as though he's coming from a well-meaning place. As a godparent who once tried to have a similar conversation with my godchild, I must admit I felt it was a difficult conversation to pull off. . .

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 22:03

Well then OP why would this be an "odd" thing for him to do?

Reading between the lines I thought you were saying the man was approaching your son in an inappropriate way.

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 22:04

My son is 17 and no way would he talk to me about certain things, it doesent mean Im a bad parent. Im glad he has older male role models in his life.

Original poster
Caff2 · 27/02/2015 22:05

Grin APlaceInTheWinter, after many years of experience, my stock response to friend's queries about my life is "Everything is absolutely tickety - boo and marvellous!" I can't bear the analysis that would happen if I said anything less positive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Caff2 · 27/02/2015 22:10

No, PrettyFeet, I don't for one minute think he's up to anything dodgy! Just that, and maybe my opinion is coloured by knowing my mate for many years, and knowing my son, I don't think son will need a whole deep conversation about his perceived problems. Son one is not the deepest of thinkers, but when he does have problems he usually is very open about talking to me or his dad, or his friends. My friend should have been an agony aunt. That would make him happy, he absolutely loves to make a drama out of a crisis. And he's lovely. Just dramatic.

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 27/02/2015 22:12

Am I missing something? You say he's a trusted friend - so much so you appointed him as your sons godfather and now it makes you uncomfortable that he's let him know he's there if he needs anything?

Beeing a teenager can be bloody hard and it's not always easy to talk to your parents. It just sounds like your friend is feeling guilty for not being involved much and is letting him know he's there.

YABU

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 22:12

So you don't like him then by the sounds of it. Wrong choice in godparent for you then. Not sure why you would call him a "friend" then to be fair as you certainly don't sound like you respect him. Why not just unfriend him and tell your son to do the same rather than criticise the way he is on here?

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 22:16

I really don't see what you're trying to get at? If I found out you thought that of me or spoke about me as a "friend" like you are I'd not give you the time of day. Almost sniggering at him.

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