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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To See my young children on Mother's Day?

33 replies

Mumtumwhatever · 27/02/2015 18:18

I am recently divorced from my ex husband and we share custody of our children but he has them on the weekend of Mother's Day. He wants to take the children to his parent's house that weekend to celebrate with his mother in another city. AIBU to think that I should see my children that day or should I suck it up and celebrate another weekend with them? I would let him see the kids for Father's Day but that conveniently lands on his weekend too so there's no bargaining power.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 18:20

I'd say celebrate another weekend. Mother's day isn't about the date, it's about the sentiment.

FreudiansSlipper · 27/02/2015 18:25

Of course yanbu

You can celebrate it another day but why can't you ex in laws

If going to cause you more stress I would just leave it and celebrate another day though

Original poster
Mumtumwhatever · 27/02/2015 18:26

Thanks for the impartial views! I will celebrate another day. :)

OP posts:
IamSlave · 27/02/2015 18:28

its odd, his mother has her child there, your ex dh Confused and you should be with your children.

pictish · 27/02/2015 18:28

Yup...do it another day.

Bowlersarm · 27/02/2015 18:30

YANBU.

He should be thoughtful and let your children be with their mother on Mother's Day.

He can see his own mum on Mother's Day, without the grandchildren.

If he's uncooperative though, let it go. You can get your own back in future years when dates coincide to his disadvantage.

TwoOddSocks · 27/02/2015 18:31

YANBU to want it, but he's not obliged to do it. Definitely better to celebrate a different day and save your energy to fight for a change of custody arrangements when it's really really necessary. Hope you have a great mothers day whichever day you do it!

pictish · 27/02/2015 18:32

Exactly, there will be dates in the future that he misses out on too. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Starlightbright1 · 27/02/2015 18:33

yes I would let it go...It may fall that way this year but next year may be the other way round.

As they are young it is really just a day.

IamSlave · 27/02/2015 18:37

Op if it did fall on fathers day would he be the type to let it go or ask you for it?

As pp said if its going to cause stress, rise above it - this year. Take the moral high ground because it is, without doubt, utterly selfish and shit behaviour and if I was his mother, I would be ordering him, to take the children to you, if you wished it so.

hamptoncourt · 27/02/2015 18:43

I would point out to him that some flexibility around access would benefit you both.

If he doesn't want any flexibility then he can't kick up if his birthday is a day he isn't scheduled to have them etc.

If he still says he wants them on mothers day then I think you have to suck it up, but make it clear you will stick to your guns when the shoe is on the other foot.

I don't know how old DC are but at some point they will be choosing when they see him and will make it clear themselves if they want to spend Mothers Day or similar with you.

Thanks
caledonianclown · 27/02/2015 18:45

YANBU at all to want to be with your children, but if your ex is uncooperative then unfortunately there's not a lot you can do. I'd celebrate another day and remember for next time he wants to swap things around!

TweeStuff · 27/02/2015 18:48

Sorry but yabu. It's just a date. I wouldn't worry about it at all. It really wouldn't bother me.

Is your DM alive? Do you live close by and get on with her? Can you have a nice day with her?

Canyouforgiveher · 27/02/2015 18:51

How young are the children. If young enough not to know the day, then I'd let him off. If old enough to know it is mother's day then might they be upset they didn't see their mother on that day? So I'd only care if I thought my children might care.

quietbatperson · 27/02/2015 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PtolemysNeedle · 27/02/2015 18:54

I'd think it would be sad for the children not to be with their mother on Mother's Day. If they've made cards at school like they often do, then they'll want to give them on the right day. I wouldn't mind my dc waking up at their dads on MD, but I would object to not seeing them at all.

Original poster
Mumtumwhatever · 27/02/2015 18:58

We are working on a more formal order where we need to include special holidays and birthdays so we don't need to negotiate every time something comes up. We're new to this so working through it.

He would want to see them on Father's Day and his birthday and I would accommodate that if they fell on my days but if he doesn't for me I don't want to feel like a doormat because I am nicer than he is.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 27/02/2015 19:02

Don't accommodate him if he won't show you the same courtesy, doing that for him won't make him respect you or change his mind. Firm boundaries and clear words - he can say no this time but that is the end to your flexibility for his benefit too.

IamSlave · 27/02/2015 19:06

He would want to see them on Father's Day and his birthday and I would accommodate that if they fell on my days but if he doesn't for me I don't want to feel like a doormat because I am nicer than he is
this is why i would urge caution because you would feel upset down the line, if you let him have, as someone said make it clear your not happy about it and want the order to have speical days.

needaholidaynow · 27/02/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/02/2015 19:34

Have you actually asked him outright if you could have the children for Mothers day, OP?

I'd be bloody cross rather sad if i couldn't see my DDs on MDay simply because XH wants to stick unbendingly to 'my weekend' 'your weekend' rubbish.

I second the opinion that you should ask nicely but firmly if you can swap, or whatever, so that you can have them for MD/ If he says no remind him that there'll be no flexibility ever from you in the future if he digs his heels in now.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 27/02/2015 19:49

YABU, flexibility is fine, but that applies to both you, he wants the opportunity for his children to see their grandparents and it's a good convenient day for all of them to do it.

Fine for you to ask, but equally fine for him to say no - assuming kids are young enough not to have final say in the matter.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2015 20:07

Have you actually asked him? As in 'Ex, I would really like our children to spend Mothers' Day with THEIR mother. Can we arrange this between us?'

If he's sensible, he'll realise that Fathers' Day/his birthday might fall on 'his' weeks this year, but they won't always. Plus - access is supposed to be for the benefit of the children, not the parents. What would your children prefer to do?

WayfaringStranger · 27/02/2015 20:08

YANBU. I saw my dad every Sunday as a child. I always felt miffed and sad when we spent every Mother's Day with him and that side of the family. My mum always made sure we celebrated but I'll never forget wanting to be with her.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 27/02/2015 20:10

I think I would offer it up as a question for him with discussion of future dates. I.e what are we going to do about md / fd / birthdays this year and into the future are we facilitating each other's special occasions or do we celebrate on alternative dates ?

Put the ball in his court and then he will have no come back to say but it's my birthday..... ( get it in an email so there us a written trail)