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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to do a reading at his friend's funeral?

51 replies

fingersandwich · 27/02/2015 15:58

My DH's friend tragically died last week in an accident. He was only 35. His funeral's on Monday and my DH is doing a reading. He's written some stuff that I don't think is appropriate for the situation, especially as his kids will be there. It's a bit sweary and references activities that are not strictly legal. I've no idea why he thinks this would be OK to read out. His friend's widow wants him to read a passage from her husband's favourite book, which is much more sensible. How the hell can I convince him that this would be a much better idea?!

OP posts:
asmallandnoisymonkey · 27/02/2015 16:01

I'm not sure how you could convince him but that sounds awful - his poor wife. I hope he sees sense and has a think about how it would make her feel if he read that kind of thing out :(

Justmuddlingalong · 27/02/2015 16:01

It sounds more like a best man at a wedding's speech. Not something appropriate for a funeral. Although humanist funerals are far less formal. Is it a humanist funeral?

Lemondrizzletwunt · 27/02/2015 16:02

YANBU. This is the kind of thing he can do amongst other mates at the wake. Not at the funeral.

He wants to be honest, and that's great thing as it honours there friend's memory, but he needs to remember that for some other people in the congregation it will defile their memories.

Lemondrizzletwunt · 27/02/2015 16:02

Gah! *their, not there FFS. it is Friday and I don't give a fuck

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/02/2015 16:03

I'd tell him his reading will be perfect in the pub/house/after that eve - but not for the day and family, no.

MissBattleaxe · 27/02/2015 16:03

He has to respect the wishes of the friend's widow and not just do what he fancies doing. If she wants a reading , he should do the bloody reading. Very disrespectful to do his own thing.

SweetValentine · 27/02/2015 16:04

You tell him the wishest of the widow take priority, and his eulogy would make a great written tribute on a local Facebook page or emailed among friends etc

Nancy66 · 27/02/2015 16:04

Good go, no. He can't do that it would be unforgiveable and incredibly cruel as well.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 27/02/2015 16:05

Who is presiding over the funeral? A priest? Civil celebrant? Surely they will intervene?

I think you need to not worry about convincing, pussy footing or whatever. Put it to him bluntly. Say that if he were dead and his mate made a similar speech about him, that you would be devastated and it would add to your grief. It's not a wedding!!

His poor wife :(

hoobypickypicky · 27/02/2015 16:05

Give it to him straight. The funeral isn't all about him and what he wants. It isn't really entirely about the deceased, it's about those he's left behind and the man's wife, children, parents and siblings and their feelings and desires take precedence over anything DH wants. Explain to DH that to do something at a funeral which has even the slightest potential to cause offence or additional pain is not only the height of bad form it's also very, very unkind.

Could you suggest that instead he writes those thoughts down and asks the widow if they may be placed in an envelope on top of the coffin at the end of the internment? He can keep a copy and share his memories in the future when the children are older and the pain is less raw.

pippop1 · 27/02/2015 16:05

You could ask him to run it by the friend's widow. If she approves then it's OK.

The best way to honour his friend's memory is to do exactly what the widow asks him to do. Read the extract that she tells him to.

CaptainAnkles · 27/02/2015 16:05

Someone needs to get through to him how inappropriate this would be. It's a funeral, not a stag night.

MissDuke · 27/02/2015 16:06

Op, could you show him this thread do you think?

It is tough, it is understandable he wants to express his feelings in his own way, but it is definitely inappropriate unfortunately :-(

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 27/02/2015 16:07

If he really won't listen then I think you need to go over his head and speak to his friend's wife and tell her you recommend that she withdraws her request for him to speak.

prettywhiteguitar · 27/02/2015 16:07

I would just ask him to think how he would feel if one of his friends did that to you if he died. Very disrespectful, however at the wake it would probably be more acceptable, especially if there are more mates and less relatives around.

PercyGherkin · 27/02/2015 16:09

No no no no no. Completely inappropriate. Terrible idea. Terrible, terrible idea.

Can you tell I'm almost speechless at what a bad idea this would be?

AlmaMartyr · 27/02/2015 16:19

Oh no, that is a terrible idea. Is there anyone he would listen to? Who is overseeing the funeral?

MistressMerryWeather · 27/02/2015 16:23

Does he think it's going to be some movie-type moment where he will make the church laugh through their tears at his witty memories of the deceased?

Just point out that it's not up to him. He has been given something to read and that's that.

Original poster
fingersandwich · 27/02/2015 16:24

I don't know if he's lost the plot a bit, maybe due to grief or shock. I've explained a few times why it isn't a good idea and did suggest that he could keep that sort of thing for the wake in the pub afterwards. It is a humanist funeral and he's actually meeting the humanist celebrant tonight, with his friend's widow, to go through the service, so I'm hoping he doesn't even mention it.

OP posts:
steff13 · 27/02/2015 16:24

What your husband wants to say sounds better suited to a bar after the funeral, among just friends. Not in front of the widow, the children, possibly his parents and/or grandparents, in-laws. If the widow wants him to read a passage from a book, that's what he should do.

NimpyWWindowmash · 27/02/2015 16:28

oh no, hope he sees sense.

the speech is for the benefit of the bereaved

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/02/2015 16:30

You don't even try to convince him. I assume you've told him it's inappropriate and he disagrees, and I assume also from the way your OP is worded that he KNOWS that his friend's wife would prefer him to read something else, and he's ignoring? If so he is being a Grade A arse and I would think his friend would be raging at the thought of his wife being made to feel worse at this time.

If the above is the situation, I'd contact his wife and suggest that she withdraws the reading request - via priest/celebrant if that's easier - telling him that the family will be doing the readings now. Then he can have his Dead Poet's Society 'moment' in the pub later. What a monumental twat - sorry OP.

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/02/2015 16:31

I'd go to the pub too.

In addition to being inappropriate, he is going to look a tool. It will come across terribly.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/02/2015 16:31

The celebrant would guide him on what is and isn't appropriate, but as the widow will be there too...No, just no. Mr Fingersandwich, please don't do this. The memories you have of you and your friend, are not appropriate to share with his grieving family. Share them with your other friends at a more fitting time.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 27/02/2015 16:32

My brother died at 27 and his best friend did what sounds like a very similar speech. However it was pitched completely right and captured exactly what my brother was like. It raised a lot of laughs and that's what we wanted although I'm sure some people thought it was inappropriate. However if you don't think that's what his widow wants/will appreciate then he really needs to tone it down! Is there anyone he will listen to? Another friend?

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