To not want DH to do a reading at his friend's funeral?

[fingersandwich]

My DH's friend tragically died last week in an accident. He was only 35. His funeral's on Monday and my DH is doing a reading. He's written some stuff that I don't think is appropriate for the situation, especially as his kids will be there. It's a bit sweary and references activities that are not strictly legal. I've no idea why he thinks this would be OK to read out. His friend's widow wants him to read a passage from her husband's favourite book, which is much more sensible. How the hell can I convince him that this would be a much better idea?!

I hope he does mention it, then he will be told in no uncertain terms that it isn't appropriate.

I just don't think he understands why it's a problem, despite me explaining. Unfortunately, no one else is comfortable doing a reading - he was the only one to offer. I don't know his widow very well, but I will see what I can do to try and nip this in the bud. Hopefully, it won't go any further following tonight's meeting with the celebrant.

Just out of curiosity, has he said why he thinks it's appropriate to ignore the wishes of his friend's widow and write his own speech? What book is it?

Has he ever been to a funeral OP? Lost someone close to him?

It sounds as if he is totally lacking in empathy. Is he like this about other things?

Show him this thread. He might be annoyed with you initially but ultimately you're doing him a favour if you can prevent him from a.) embarrassing himself b.) embarrassing his friend's widow and children and c.) making everyone feel deeply uncomfortable. Just because it's a humanist service that doesn't mean you can say whatever the hell you want with no regard for what's appropriate.

If all else fails, have a quiet word with the Widow. Hopefuly if she makes it very clear to him that the passage from the book wasn't a suggestion, it was a specific instruction then he'll have to back down. This would be my last resort though as I would be reluctant to add to her stress.

Nobody wants to hear someone effing and blinding at a funeral. And I say that as someone who swears a LOT.

He's being a twat. Does he want to upset his friend's entire family. Does he think his friend's mum wants to hear about her son's illegal activities?

GotToBeInItToWinIt I think that's his thinking. He was a very popular bloke and there are lots of entertaining tales that would capture exactly what he was like, but I'm really uncomfortable with the idea and think others will be too. His widow is pretty chilled out, but I do think even she would think this to be inappropriate.

He's been asked to do a reading, not make a eulogy. He's been asked to read a specific book so why has he written a speech? Good luck. Grief does strange things to people but he needs someone to make the request clear. 'Please read a passage of this book at the funeral'. Something has been lost in translation.

If she had said 'please will you speak about X' then your DH could be forgiven for going off on his own tangent.

But she hasn't, she's asked him to read a passage from a book.

Why on earth does he think it's ok to ignore what she has said?

Does his wife know what your husband is planning to say? My first husbands best friend made a completely inappropriate speech, it summed dh up perfectly and was completely him.

My mil cringed and smiled at the same time. There is no way he would have wanted a reading from a book at his funeral.

I'd get him to talk it through with his wife. Dh's best friend asked if I wanted something appropriate for a funeral of if I wanted something that was him.

Sorry, that's my wording. He was asked to say something. That something wasn't originally specified. I think that's why he started writing a eulogy. The passage from a book (sorry, I don't actually know what it is; I think he'll be given the book tonight) was mentioned more recently.

In that case could he be perauaded to take out the swear words and the reference to any illegal activity but keep the content roughly the same?

Maybe, although it read more as an anecdote, so I doubt there would be much left!

Has this lady approached your DH directly to request that he does this reading from her late H's favourite book.

You need to be very blunt with your own H over the consequences of his actions (which he has given no consideration to). He could lose any goodwife from his family over this ill thought out eulogy of his and it will not blow over anytime soon either. It will be remembered by others as his being disrespectful.

Your DH needs to have a complete rethink about this unless he himself wants to insult his late friend's memory and look like both an uncaring and unkind person in the process. It is irrelevant what type of service it is to be honest with you, he still cannot do this.

I've been to a couple of funerals - and Catholic ones at that - where the eulogies were pretty near the knuckle, very funny and felt absolutely right for the occasion. So I wouldn't automatically assume your husband's speech is inappropriate but he really must run it past the widow first.

Oh, dear, your poor DH, he is obviously steeped in his own shock and grief.

He is just thinking about him and his friend and their relationship - and that is important, and I think you should tell him that. But tell him that the funeral is essentially his wife's do, she is in charge and if she has asked for a reading of his favourite book, then that is what he should / must do. Maybe say how important this will be to the wife given that he is the only person brave enough to read, and that if she has set her heart on a reading from the book then it means all the world to her that he has volunteered to read it.

And emphasise, as you have done, that he can read his own eulogy afterwards, and it will be appreciated all the more because everyone will be able to relax and join in the spirit of it.

Ds lost his best friend when they were eighteen. He was asked to give a few words at his funeral. Ds and his friends were typical eighteen year olds, into booze, girls, cars and football, however he wrote the most touching eulogy filling it with tame and funny memories of his friend.After all their shared friends knew some of the less savoury moments and his mum might have had an inkling about a few of them they certainly didn't need sharing with the rest of the mourners.
Ds became a man before my eyes that day as he left his laddish persona behind to reflect properly on what he and his friend's family and friends had lost. If ds grasped it at 18 it shouldn't be beyond an adult male regardless of how he's grieving.

Whilst his words may be fine for some of their shared friends he needs to remember that there will be a lot of different people there grieving for DH's friend, including children and older relatives and friends. Mention of illegal activities in particular, and swearing, is very likely to be difficult for some of those people to hear.
Maybe you can put it to DH in that way and he might see a bigger picture? I think it can be hard to make best judgements when you're in the shock of grief.

How awkward, and how sad that he (and you) have lost a friend.

Everyone's given such good advice, I particularly like insanity's post. And also GotToBeInIt's. Both useful, and slightly different takes.

Talk to him. Make sure he knows that if his speech doesn't get read at the service, it won't 'go to waste'. He can share it some other way. Funerals and death are just so bloody hard, most of all when the person who died was young.
I really hope it goes as well as it can.

Ask him to read through and consider whether he truly feels comfortable saying these things directly to children, a widow, the elderly relatives etc. it's a nice idea to write about the good stuff but appropriateness is very different at a funeral. Maybe he hasn't been to many or not a young person? Is still thinking more along wedding speech lines?

Feel for you and hope it is sorted amicably. It's good of him to offer and a hard time all round.

Is that REALLY what he thinks the man's children want to hear? Or his wife?

He is being so disrespectful. He lost a friend and that is sad, but this woman lost her husband, these children lost their father. Your husband is way, WAY down the list here. He is being utterly selfish in wanting to do this.

He can organise some sort of memorial for friends where such kind of reminiscences would be appropriate. The funeral and against the wishes of the man's wife is wrong.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I had a another talk with him before he met the celebrant on Friday night and he seemed more rational than before and agreed that certain things should not be mentioned and is now reading a section from his friend's favourite book (Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut), as suggested by his widow.

I am going to go against the grain and say actually I think you a being a little unreasonable. he is grieving and funerals are not just about mourning the loss of someone we love but also celebrating their life.

my dad's best friend (female) died of bowel cancer a few years ago. dad was asked to dp the eulogy and wrote something similar to what you are describing and dad cried. laughed, choked up and delivered am amazing speech that summed up his friend perfectly. everyone laughed and cried with him and everyone agreed it was excellent. Perhaps that is what your dh is hoping to do for his friend?are people laugh and remember the good and not the tragic way he died.

having been to many funerals over the years the ones I remember are the ones where I laughed, they still bring a smile when thinking about that person on the sadest day I knew them

Ah, glad it's been a useful thread to you both OP
Hope it goes as well as it can x

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband's friend. It is very hard when someone has died far too young and he was probably feeling rather stunned. Probably he just wasn't thinking straight.

It sounds like the best solution has now been reached and he will read from the book.

I'm not saying humour has no place at a funeral service. It can, but it needs to be carefully and tastefully done.

When my FIL died my husband raised some good laughs at the funeral. He recounted some tales about the days when his dad and a family friend did some sailing in the Mediterranean.

Humour has its place at funerals, as I said, but you have to be totally sure that it cannot cause offence to the grieving relatives.