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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit miffed about what friend said to new boyf

35 replies

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:22

Hello... 1.5 months into Dating a guy. Developing good/strong feelings. Only had one LTR which ended 5 years ago (got dumped total heartbreak) and been single until now (errr.... And I mean single...dated one guy for a week and that's it!). HIs last LTR was 8 years ago. He was badly hurt. Nothing serious since but a lot of not serious stuff.

Met this new man through mutual female friend. She didn't set us up...it happened organically between us... A spark when we chatted etc.

He told me last night that he had had a conversation with mutual friend and said he was developing strong feelings (yes!!!). She had said he shouldn't as "she will hurt you".

Errrrrr AIBU to be miffed that a friend is saying this about me esp when I have NO form for hurting men. I'm not exactly a man eater iyswim.

Told new man that wasn't me....that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him. That I think I treat people kindly. But he is v close friends with her and worried that since it is early days he will take her view seriously.

AIBU to feel miffed at friend for meddling? Wtaf?

OP posts:

theworkofsatan · 27/02/2015 12:24

Do you think it's possible that she likes him herself?

Fudgeface123 · 27/02/2015 12:25

Is she jealous of your relationship? Does she want him for herself?

VacantExpression · 27/02/2015 12:25

No YANBU I would have to confront friend I'm afraid that's a horrible thing to say especially as it appears to be completely untrue! Sorry OP but with friends like those...

sparklepopsicles · 27/02/2015 12:25

Yanbu perhaps you should speak your friend, she clearly thinks you are not interested in anything serious as I guess that's what she has seen from your past. But tell her you really like this guy and have no intention of hurting him and ask her very nicely to but out.

Lunastarfish · 27/02/2015 12:25

It sounds like your friend has a crush on your boyfriend otherwise she likes having you available to herself all the time.

MimiSunshine · 27/02/2015 12:28

It could be that your mutual friend is a bit jealous. Not necessarily because she fancied him but because 2 people she was friends with are now meeting without her and she feels a bit cut out of the loop.

I would try to forget it from now on, you put him straight and he obviously didn't whole heartedly believe her (even if it raised niggle) because he told you, and therefore gave you chance to assure him you were the person he has got to know and not the slightly different ne she suggested you were.

When you see her again, you could let her know he's told you about the conversation and you were hurt by what she said but have assured him you aren't like that and wouldn't intentionally hurt him as you feel the same way.

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:29

vacantexpression i did think that too but then how can she think I'm not into something serious because for the past 5 years I literally dated one guy for a week and that is it....I am quite a serious person in terms of dating... Like very few people. It when I do like I fall hard.... She must know this?!

Friend is engaged! Seems v happy with he fiancée... So it doesn't really make sense to me that she would have said this because she wants him for herself.

Yes....erm... With friends like these....oh dear

OP posts:

jvgilbert1 · 27/02/2015 12:29

Do you know for sure she actually said this? I'd go back to your friend and ask her kindly. He could be stirring a sh*t pot after all. If she did say it, she defo wants him.

thefirstmrsrochester · 27/02/2015 12:30

Yanbu. Sounds like your 'friend' is trying to sabotage your new relationship. For the reasons Luna has stated.

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:30

Thanks mimi... I like this. It's warm but firm nd sets clear boundaries

OP posts:

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:32

Jvgilbert1 hmmm I guess it's possible... But I just can't imagine him shit stirring. He's rally straightforward iyswim. He felt very awkward telling me but was obvious he was worried...made him feel insecure

She has known him for 20 years and is v v good friends with him... I met her 4 years ago. We get along great on a nights out basis Nd I consideer her a close friend but I would say their friendship is far stronger than mine with her

OP posts:

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:33

Sorry 8 years ago I met her not 4

OP posts:

LittleBairn · 27/02/2015 12:34

It might not be so much she wants him in a romantic sense it might just be she feels a bit threatened if they are close friends she might end up loosing his attention/friendship if the relationship developes further.

jvgilbert1 · 27/02/2015 12:34

MimiSunshine has got it right. Don't let it break up a potentially awesome thing

BreakingDad77 · 27/02/2015 12:38

Weird that your friend is fanjo-blocking?

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:40

Thank you!

Right got my answer then.

Have to say that if she is miffed that we are hanging out and she feels excluded, I just think this shows that she doesn't care for me as a person that much... If she truly thought of me as a friend surely she would be happy? IF she doesn't truly think of me as he friend then I can see that she would be vulnerable to feelings of missing out on his attention

OP posts:

FairlyGobby · 27/02/2015 12:51

So less than two months in he's already going for the whole needing reassurance thing? Anyone that talks like this, or repeats real or imagined conversations about hurt is full of it and enjoys drama. He couldn't even tell you straight about "strong feelings" but relayed it through an anecdote.

And you're willing to chuck in a 4 year friendship for someone you've known 2 months, so don't actually know them, and a bunch of people relaying a tedious jealous woman narrative?

MimiSunshine · 27/02/2015 18:51

Totally disagree FairlyGobby. It's not being a Drama Llama to want a relationship where you can raise things that worry you and as the friend has known OP a lot longer it wouldn't be unreasonable of the new bloke to think the friend may know her better and bring it up

Lepaskilf · 27/02/2015 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/02/2015 19:27

I'd ask her if she said it, first off.

If she did i'd ask her why! Seeing it's patently a load of rubbish it'd be interesting to hear a reason.

As far as the BF goes, i'd tell him he has no reason to worry, obviously, but i'd also ask him weather at the time he asked her reason for saying this to him. I just cant imagine a convo with this friend where he'd say ''I've developed strong feelings for Jenny'', and she'd say ''oooh she'll hurt you'', and him not asking why she thinks so. It sound odd.

fuddleduck · 27/02/2015 19:28

When DH and I first started dating, a mutual friend of ours drunkenly told him that I was "no angel" and he should watch himself. Frankly, I'm not that interesting, I have never hurt or cheated on anyone and wasn't promiscuous or anything so I thought it was an odd thing to say. I just put it down to mutual friend having had one too many and forgot about it. It didn't put DH off thankfuly and didn't seem like a big deal. Years later though, when we announced that we were getting married (which can't have been a great shock to mutual friend as we were very serious, been living together for years etc.) mutual friend lost the plot. He went very weird, started telling our other friends the marriage wouldn't last and even started a rumour that he and I had slept together . Luckily, no one believed him so it didn't cause problems between me and DH but it was all very upsetting. I wish now that I had realised what was going on and confronted him the first time he tried to get between me and DH. I would confront your friend about what he said. Be prepared to hear him out but be careful, he may have ulterior motives.

CaptainAnkles · 27/02/2015 19:31

I'd ask what the hell she's playing at tbh. She knows you've been single for a while and haven't dated much in that time, what is she basing her statement on? Does she usually enjoy sabotaging other people's relationships?

fuddleduck · 27/02/2015 19:34

Sorry, I meant she may have ulterior motives obviously not he. Definitely sounds like she's trying to stir up trouble.

NeverFinishWhatYouStarted · 27/02/2015 19:40

You're giving boyfriend of 6 weeks the benefit of the doubt, but did you ask your friend of 8 years?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2015 20:18

Talk to her. Ask if she said it, or something that he might have interpreted in this way. If she said it, ask why. If she didn't, ask yourself why he said she did.

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