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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit miffed about what friend said to new boyf

35 replies

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 12:22

Hello... 1.5 months into Dating a guy. Developing good/strong feelings. Only had one LTR which ended 5 years ago (got dumped total heartbreak) and been single until now (errr.... And I mean single...dated one guy for a week and that's it!). HIs last LTR was 8 years ago. He was badly hurt. Nothing serious since but a lot of not serious stuff.

Met this new man through mutual female friend. She didn't set us up...it happened organically between us... A spark when we chatted etc.

He told me last night that he had had a conversation with mutual friend and said he was developing strong feelings (yes!!!). She had said he shouldn't as "she will hurt you".

Errrrrr AIBU to be miffed that a friend is saying this about me esp when I have NO form for hurting men. I'm not exactly a man eater iyswim.

Told new man that wasn't me....that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him. That I think I treat people kindly. But he is v close friends with her and worried that since it is early days he will take her view seriously.

AIBU to feel miffed at friend for meddling? Wtaf?

OP posts:

PrettyFeet · 27/02/2015 20:24

Of course the obvious is talk to your friend. I don't understand why you haven't done so already. I'd have been straight on the phone.

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 20:56

Love the Friday night traffic. Thanks for input. Yes, I should talk to her. I didn't feel comfortable doing it immediately as wanted to think about it and tbh was shocked I didnt trust myself to make a rational approach with her.....also She will have told him this in confidence and I don't want to cause problems in their friendship. Boyf wonders whther he should say something to her gently...

OP posts:

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 20:58

Actually I think I need to say something as I value her friendship and think it's only right I approach her directly to see if it is true

OP posts:

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 21:00

Tbh Ibe brooded on it today and if it's true am pissed orf

OP posts:

APlaceInTheWinter · 27/02/2015 21:10

She might be a bit possessive because she's used to being the important woman in his life.

I'm not sure what you'll gain from speaking to her about it so work out what you want from the conversation before you have it. It might be best to actually have it when the three of you are there and just make the point that he'd said she was concerned you'd hurt him but that's not your intention at all. Then she can't twist what happened to take back to him if she is feeling threatened by your relationship and equally if he's misinterpreted what she said then that will be cleared up too.

Enjoy your new relationship and don't let this put a dampener on it.

SaucyJack · 27/02/2015 21:19

Maybe she thinks he's especially vulnerable or needy, and that if and when something goes wrong (which it often does objectively speaking) then it'll be him on te receiving end as you're the stronger one out of the two?

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 21:25

Yes maybe... I don't get the feeling he is but she knows him better.. But still wouldn't the right approach be to say to me.... Be careful as he is vulnerable rather than she will hurt you. It's just got the wrong tone

OP posts:

TheChandler · 27/02/2015 21:28

Maybe I have inflexible ideas or something, but what a weird man. Talking to a mutual female friend about a new relationship, then repeating it back to you and either innocently or not, causing trouble between you and said friend.

I wouldn't really expect a new boyfriend to discuss a fledgling relationship with anyone really. In fact, I wouldn't be that happy about a boyfriend discussing our relationship with a third party at all.

Friend introducing you no excuse. Some things are private.

Just read up and he's one of the "badly hurt" brigade, although it happened 8 years ago. Steer clear of the drama...it rarely ends well.

Original poster

Jennyjenjenjen · 27/02/2015 21:38

Agree with u. However she asked him how he was and he said super. She then asked him how it was going between us and he said super and had strong feelings about me. Maybe he was trying to reassure her he wasn't seeing me as just a fling as we are all friends? Don't think it's reasonable that he can't answer questions... Would seem like stonewalling I think if he didn't elaborate to some extent.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/02/2015 22:57

Friends do get upset when other friends get together, it changes the dynamics and they can feel excluded, even if they encouraged it to begin with.

I would have a word with her and ask her if she really did say that, and why, and whether she'd thought through the implications of what she'd just said... Then reassure her that you still think she's great and you value her friendship whatever happens with Man X (or whatever his name is!).

I wouldn't do it as a couple though, that would be awful :)

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