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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to keep dd off school tomorrow-bullying related

61 replies

fedupandsickofeverything · 26/02/2015 00:08

Have name changed for this as don't want to be identified

3 girls at dd's school are determined to make her life a misery, 2 of them have been causing problems since primary(now year 8 at high school), there have also been problems with general social exclusion within the year due to dd having mild aspergers.

These 3 girls in particular have been causing major problems for dd, teasing , constantly bothering her, telling she's ugly and is ruining their lives by being there, there have been some physical incidents and these seem to be escalating.

At the end of last term dd got a sanction for fighting, she had finally had enoughof the ring leader and reacted to get away from her. A couple of weeks ago one of the girls threatened to stab dd and told one of dd's friends she had a knife in her bag, we told the police and the school but nothing was found. Today I met dd after school to find her in tears and covered in mud, these girls had collared her on a set of stairs and started pushing her, she felt like they wanted her to fall, they then followed her when she got away calling her names, followed her out of school and the ring leader pushed her which is when got muddy, they only stopped following her because they knew I met her.

The school have been useless, they only seem to be interested in aportioning equal blame to dd even when it's 3 against 1 and we have lost faith in them. We have looked into changing schools but we live on a small island with not many schools and when I spoke to one they said we have to reach a resolution with the present school first as we are outside the catchment area for any of the other schools. We are putting plans on for tomorrow, dh is going to meet our local education minister, I have requested a meeting with HOY, dd's tutor and her keyworker and i am also going to contact camh.

But do we send dd in tomorrow, these physical attacks seem to be escalating and if they did try to push her down the stairs what else might they do? I don't want to keep her off unnecessary but I am wooried abiut her safety

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 26/02/2015 16:50

Well we seem to have stirred things up nicely, we have a meeting with the department of education and the school hopefully on Monday so we will have to see what comes of that. We are going to try and get her in tomorrow but will go and get her if anything kicks off.

OP posts:
ILovePud · 26/02/2015 17:19

Hope things work out well for you and DD Flowers

bumbleymummy · 26/02/2015 17:44

That sounds awful :( your poor DD. I think you did the right thing keeping her off and good for you for stirring things up! Good luck for Monday Thanks

Tangerineandturquoise · 26/02/2015 18:12

I am glad things have started moving
Do you have a plan for your ideal outcome-what would be acceptable and the no way?

Groovee · 26/02/2015 18:16

I would be calling the school and telling them that their lack of care towards your dd means you cannot trust them with her safety and therefore until they sort it out she will not be returning to school, and I would go to the police. That is assault.

TwoOddSocks · 26/02/2015 18:58

That's outrageous! Imagine an adult putting up with that in their work place - there'd a law suit pretty quick and yet children are expected to just suck it up?! I'd definitely be keeping her off until there was a firm plan of action that I was happy with. Why should she have to go somewhere she doesn't feel safe.

youarekiddingme · 26/02/2015 19:11

No - don't send her. My DS (10) is being assessed for Asperger's syndrome and is also a victim of bullying. The other students know they can't defend themselves and will react (often worse) and therefore will be punished equally or more extensively.

Eventually I took DS out of school and emailed HT. The short and long of the email was a list of incidents, a list of contact I'd had re incidents, the list of continuing incidents highlighting nothing had changed and a final paragraph stating...... "Due to the school being unable to safe guard DS and promote and protect his wellbeing he is unable to attend school and will be absent for MH reasons".

The HT shit himself obviously had to deal with it under safeguarding (instant ofsted fail if safeguarding is poor) and arranged a meeting for following day. Things have improved immensely.

It helps if you quote the behaviour, Sen and bullying policy in line with incidents. PM me if you'd like any help with emails.

After the meeting email and cc anybody spoken to with agreed course of action. Make it clear any further incidents will result in dd being withdrawn again due to lack of safe guarding and well being.

I hope your DD is ok. And I hope your ok too. I know how hard this is so sending you both lots of (((hugs and empathy))) and I don't care if that UNMNetty or not!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/02/2015 19:18

YNBU. This is a serious safe guarding issue. The school don't seem to care. I noticed on your post as 13.22 that the school still had not called you. That is a total disregard.
The education board could threaten fines all they pleased, I have to wonder why bullies parents arent find and threatened with legal action. There's no way I'd be sending my daughter there till I recieveded an absolution from god himself that my child was safe.
God I destest bullies. You don't need me to tell you but your dd is worth a million of them.

Tizwailor · 26/02/2015 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tizwailor · 26/02/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muskey · 26/02/2015 19:26

I am so sorry that you and your dad is going through this. I had to change schools for dd at the end of year 4 as four bullies made her life a misery. One of them spat in dd face and threatened to stab her. The school was rubbish at dealing with it as three of the girls involved had parents who were either teachers in the school or a school governor. The other child involved had a lot of issues. I really hope you can get something sorted.

rita68 · 26/02/2015 19:29

I don't know where your island is, but if you keep getting stonewalled re being out of catchment for the other school, try asking for something called a 'managed move'. This is where your dd would remain on role at her current school, but she goes on secondment if you like, to the second school, to see if it works out. The phrase 'managed move' seems to work where other phrases don't sometimes.

Best of luck.

Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 26/02/2015 20:30

I know that one of the girls involved has aspergers and apparently the other 2 have problems at home. This seems to be being used to excuse their behaviour. We have had problems with two of them since primary, one of them was spreading rumours that dh and I were drug adducts at one point! Alot of it over the years has been general nastiness and name calling, the physicsl stuff only since high school. The primary was much more proactive and helpful. Still haven't heard from school themselves, it was dep of ed that rang dh about meeting. Apparently they were not impressed that we hadn't been told her keyworker was off sick and alternative appointed. I think they're still hoping that they can minimise the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 26/02/2015 20:33

After the stab threat the police officer spoke to a teacher who did admit that there seemed to be a campaign of general nastiness

OP posts:
DanFmDorking · 26/02/2015 21:39

Do the following:-

  1. Keep a diary of the incidents and record everything that happens, date and time and what was said.
  1. Ring the school tomorrow morning (I said tomorrow morning) and tell the class tutor what has been going on.
  1. Write to the school/teacher about the problems. It needn’t be long and rambling just short and to the point. "Dear Headmaster..." “I am very disappointed to find that … My son/daughter is very unhappy at school because …”
  1. On Monday, check with the school to see what has been done. Ask them what progress has been made regarding these problems.
  1. If you are not happy that the problems are being addressed then take it up with the Headteacher. Ask what progress has been made regarding the problems.
  1. If what you say is correct then I would approach one of the School Governors about this. ‘I’m concerned about … I want to make sure that I’m going about this in the right way’. The Governor should check that the correct procedures are been followed.
  1. How the school addresses parental concerns is a measure of how good the school is.

I hope this helps.

Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 27/02/2015 12:47

School still not contacted us directly but dep of ed have phoned dh, meeting is on Tues after school. They've also made the school arrange a new key worker for dd (she sshould have one due to her aspergers).
She's back in today and I've not heard any thing yet so going on no news is good news

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 27/02/2015 17:20

I hope she had a good day fedup. :)

Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 27/02/2015 18:10

Thankfully the 2 main ring leaders seemed to be off today as she didn't see them, the other girl tends to leave alone if the others aren't there

OP posts:
DanFmDorking · 27/02/2015 18:27

Do the items I have listed.
You have been told.
Dan.

GammonAndEgg · 27/02/2015 18:47

Dan, are you Frank Underwood?

scarffiend · 27/02/2015 19:01

My heart really goes out to you - my dm kept me off school when I was bullied, just after it got physical. If I remember right, it got better after that.

My bully now lives in the same town as me, and garners sympathy by telling all and sundry about that terrible time she had with bullies at school. Angry

youarekiddingme · 28/02/2015 18:36

Hmm off? I'll or because they were told not to come in Wink

There is always hope the school took,action because they know your onto them!

youarekiddingme · 28/02/2015 18:36

Sorry meant to say glad she had a good day.

Original poster
fedupandsickofeverything · 28/02/2015 19:49

Not sure about ill or not but will probably find out

OP posts:
Tangerineandturquoise · 28/02/2015 20:50

Good Luck on Monday