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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away DD's ipod for a week?

40 replies

foreverondiet · 25/02/2015 23:34

Ok, DD is 11, in year 6. She saved her birthday money for 5 years and bought an ipod.

Last week we had a family meeting whereby me and Dh said that she should stop using it at 8.30pm, and if she was caught using it after 10pm it would be taken away for a week. She could use it most of the day on sunday. Just to be clear, we didn't say we would take it away each night, just she wasn't to use it.

Tonight at 8.30pm I asked for it, but she asked for an extra half an hour to watch the bake off, and I said ok. I told her to put it down at 9pm. But I forgot to actually go back and take it away.

I went in at 11.20 on my way to bed and she was watching it, so I said I am taking it for a week.

She said that's not fair as:

a) she didn't pay attention in the family meeting
b) it belongs to her and not me
c) she did stop watching at 9pm, just she started watching again

So AIBU?

OP posts:
BeatriceBumble · 25/02/2015 23:38

Why did you have a family meeting? To discuss taking away her Ipod that she has waited 5 years for?

Rummikub · 25/02/2015 23:41

Tricky. Personally I think a week is too long. I'd do a day.
But you've said it now. I think I'd be tempted to say she could earn it back?

VeryVeryDarkGrey · 25/02/2015 23:48

It doesnt matter if she thinks its fair or if she bought it. She thinks shes being clever by saying she stopped watching when she was supposed to but she knows full well she shouldnt have started watching it again. Maybe it will teach her to pay attention in family meetings in future

GretaBritain · 26/02/2015 00:03

I think the rules from your family meeting conflicted a little. She can't use it after 8:30 but if caught using it between 8:30-10pm nothing happens but if caught after 10pm then no ipod for a week?.

A week seems overly long to be honest imho.

However 11:20 is really pushing her luck to say the least and she will know that.

I have an 11 yr old dd...when this happened she lost it for a few days then for the week could not keep it in her room overnight. She absolutely hated that it was moved out of the room more than anything. She is very good at turning it off at 9pm now. It is also put on the other side of the room.

I would rethink the rules, have another meeting and possibly reduce from a week. If caught doing it again then the length of time you take it away would increase.

I remember getting caught reading comics under the covers with a torch at the same age! Same thing really...the comic was taken off me until then weekend.

Original poster
foreverondiet · 26/02/2015 00:07

We had a family meeting as she was spending too much time on it. We had to discuss how to deal with. Yes she saved for it, but ultimately she only 11, and there needs to be limits.

I wanted to take it at 8.30 but she insisted she would keep it by her bed and not watch it and DH agreed she could be trusted.

DD is still awake asking for it back now...

OP posts:
Golightly133 · 26/02/2015 00:10

I wouldn't- u said she could have longer of course she pushed her luck she's a child - she waited 5 years and bought it herself no way would I take it - I would Reduce her time by half an hour for a week maybe?

Golightly133 · 26/02/2015 00:13

My 3 leave phones etc on the landing at bedtime - I set a kitchen timer for desired length then we all know there time is up Its my reminder really!!!

quietlysuggests · 26/02/2015 00:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScathingContempt · 26/02/2015 00:22

It might be hers but you are still her parent, so she can't use that argument.

I think a week is a bit long to start with but you've said it so follow through.

Is excuse 1) her saying it's not fair because she didn't listen at the meeting? If so, I'd be telling her that this is the consequence of failing to listen. At 11 I would expect full attention to a meeting to discuss rules for her behaviour and the consequences. One of our kids doesn't listen when I implement new rules but I still dole out the punishment - how else are they going to learn to listen?

She is pushing her luck, be firm.

Peony58890 · 26/02/2015 00:27

Rules is rules. You could agree some early release rules though. So two days of no iPad (probably a good idea anyway as she sounds addicted) and then have a week demonstrating responsible iPad use which will involve her leaving her iPad on the kitchen table at 8.30pm exactly and without nagging. Then back to normal trusting relationship. If it happens again double the iPad ban time.

It's your parental responsibility to ensure she has a healthy use of technology. You're teaching her about life balance. She can say its hers and unfair but equally would you let her smoke fags if she bought the cigarettes? Or eat a whole box of mars bars if she bought them with her own money?

itsbetterthanabox · 26/02/2015 04:55

Yabu. You said you would take it off her and you didn't so she used it as she obviously thought as she had it she could.
Why is she not allowed to listen to music in the evening? It doesn't sound like she was meant to be sleeping.

fizzycolagurlie · 26/02/2015 04:59

YANBU

My parents had this problem with me at the same age but back then (100s of years ago) it was TV. They gave me a 30 min per day limit in the week, 60 mins on weekends and I went thru the TV schedule and wrote what show or shows I wanted to watch each day and what time - and we all stuck to it.

TBH I really needed it as I was just goggling away in an escapist manner (much like I do on mums net now...) Blush

Andrewofgg · 26/02/2015 05:22

Stick to your guns.

Clarify the rules - off at 8.30 and it stays off.

After five days let her have it.

Madamecastafiore · 26/02/2015 05:25

She'll push the envelope for ages with things like this. Put an end to it now and make her leave it downstairs. The only reason she'll have an issue with that is because she normally watches it past curfew.

lunar1 · 26/02/2015 05:50

I'm not surprised she broke the rules. You can't say 8.30, but you can sneak it till ten. That's actively encouraging her to be deceitful. I'd take it for two days and let her earn it back earlier. Then put some proper rules in place. I also wouldn't let her keep it in her room overnight.

nooka · 26/02/2015 06:12

What time is your dd supposed to have the lights off and be asleep? My two (15 and 14) have a 10pm bedtime, and if I caught them up and using a device at past 11 I would be very angry. Listening to music not so much of a problem, but watching a video, using an app or texting would be a major issue. Not sure how long a total ban would be for, but they would have a 'not in your room after bedtime' rule instigated for a few weeks minimum until I felt they could be trusted again.

I do agree that your rule is a bit odd with the apparent 8-30-10pm no punishment window, I'd go for something a bit more straightforward. Off at x time, and for a while now it would be off and out of your room at x time. With the rule that it is their responsibility to put it in a specific place at bedtime, not your role to take it away.

whippy33 · 26/02/2015 06:49

I think the way she spoke to you would increase it for me! But then I am known to do that if I get attitude back in response to something!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/02/2015 06:52

Leaving electronics in a kids bedroom overnight is too much responsibility for them. If you want her to stop using it at 8.30 then go and get it at 8.30. I think your rules are confusing and inconsistent.

I often wake up in the night and it takes an effort of will not to pick up my phone or iPad. I don't think children should have to self regulate with electronics/gaming/tv because it's a hard thing to do. The decision needs to be made by the parents

DeliciousMonster · 26/02/2015 06:56

Take it out of the room each night at bedtime. Problem solved.

Brandnewattitude · 26/02/2015 06:59

These are my rules for the iPod with my 11 year old dd:

  • off at 7pm in the week
  • off at 8pm on weekends
  • not allowed in room overnight (it's just too tempting to use)
  • time reduced by 5 mins or half an hour as a consequence for unacceptable behaviour
  • occasionally taken away for 24 hours

I was advised to do the 5 minute consequence by a family support adviser and I thought that would never work. However it still makes the point and is amazingly effective.

I think you are generous in letting her have it in her room in the evenings. I find my dd has trouble sleeping if she is on it too late.

HicDraconis · 26/02/2015 07:08

YANBU - take it away for a week.

  1. That's her own problem for failing to listen, not yours.
  1. Her device but your home, your rules. You are the adult and while she's pushing at boundaries, keep them firmly in place.
  1. Stuff and nonsense. She knows full well she wasn't supposed to start using it again.

The consequence as decided was a week's loss of device so I would take it away. However I'd give her the chance to earn it back early with good behaviour but say that broken trust (it being left on the bedside unused after 8.30) takes longer to earn back. So at 8.30 she hands it to whoever's at home with her and goes to bed. Lateness, whining, nagging for it after 8.30 in our house would result in loss of device for 24h (with additional 24h if the nagging or whining continued).

And I'd make it a habit that she puts the device somewhere out of her room at 8.30. Makes it less tempting to pick it up and lose hours of sleep if she does happen to wake at midnight.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 26/02/2015 07:21

Same here Whippy.

however · 26/02/2015 07:28

Take it off her, and set an alarm on it for each evening so she knows her watching time is up.

Madamecastafiore · 26/02/2015 07:30

Don't set her an alarm, she is 11 and old enough to tell the bloody time and take some responsibility.

cupcakesandapples · 26/02/2015 07:35

I wouldn't take it away for a week but i would be taking it away each night at 830 until im satisfied she knows the rules x

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