To be offended when people assume my lifestyle is down to DH's earning power?

[Unmissable]

I only work a few hours a week and I don't earn much, it's true.

But, the reason I'm able to do that is not because I married a big earner. DH works hard and earns a reasonable wage, but nothing exceptional. I was the higher earner before DC.

The reason we live like we do is because I had a flippin' good job for 15 years, because I managed our money so that we lived well within our means during that time(DH would have spent everything) which means that we don't have a mortgage or any other debt and that we have savings and investments that mean we can manage quite well on one fairly ordinary salary.

Also, of course, there's the old story of the fact that DH can only do what he does because I have everything under control at home.

I know we're very fortunate but I have and do contribute just as much to our financial situation as DH does.

I would be hugely offended as well, so no, you're definitely not being unreasonable.

Who is leveling this criticism at you? What does your husband make of it?

Personally it wouldn't worry me, does it matter how people think you have the household income you do?

Same here. Am ahem a little bit older than dh. I had the big job and savings that crucially allowed us to buy a flat in Central London just before the prices went up. Also earn quite abit with my freelance work. Doesn't stop mil referring to my earnings and contribution as "pocket money" though

I would say that I'm not sure it's a criticism, necessarily. I mean, it's just a fact that if one person does make a good salary, it frees up the other party to make the choice to be at home if that's what works best for the family. But conversely, as you said - and it really galls me that this isn't automatically recognised by all - the commitment from one party to keep everything running well on the home front definitely enables the other to hold down a demanding job.

But I would be very offended if my DH didn't correct people on my behalf and explain the fact that he does appreciate and wholly acknowledge my side of the partnership, and I would expect him to explain that actually, my financial savvy was a big part of the fortunate position we find ourselves in. And if people say it to you when your DH isn't present, I would go ahead and correct their incorrect assumption.

YANBU. It's just like when, if a woman spends any money on herself, the DCs or the house, she is 'spending her DHs money'.

I earn about 75% of the money that comes into our house, which DP is quite open about. But the number of times people will say to him 'she's off spending your money again' .

Oh Unmissable I wish you could come and help me do that! I have no idea about saving/investments/mortgages!

Ignore them, they know nowt!

I get you. People say I'm lucky to be a SAHM but its partly because in my twenties I earnt well, saved, didn't borrow and married a man who had the same attitude. Also stuff like researching what type of mortgage to get and not borrowing the maximum the banks were willing to lend.

You partly make your own luck.

I'm a SAHM, and no-one has ever ever said to me 'oh you're spending his money' or anything remotely approaching it.

That's nice, Alibabs

I understand the frustration. Your hard work is ignored in favour of stereotypes. It's further evidence of the continued sexism in society and the assumption that the man must be 'keeping' the woman.

DH always says that I look after the family - I am the breadwinner, he is the SAHP although hoping to be WAHP - actually it is both of us doing our individual roles that looks after the family. Some people assume that DH must be the breadwinner, and if they happen to discover that he isn't then some people equate him to being 'the mum'. I find it all a bit weird.

But, it doesn't get to me as such as I realise that as a family we are happy and that's what matters. I do think that mentality should shift however in society.

People always say something like this on the sahm debates on here, that sahms are living off their DHs. As though who has the full time job at that moment in time reflects the whole financial pattern of your marriage. Which is a ridiculous way to consider things.

I don't know about nice Holger, to me just normal? It's the thing about MN, gives you a window on a whole other world!

My mum was a SAHM until my youngest sibling went to secondary, she and Dad have always had shared finances and I never once in my entire life heard her justify any purchase she made, or heard my Dad question what she had spent.
The only comment I ever heard him make was a slightly exasperated tongue in cheek one, wondering where all the money he earned went when he felt like he never spent any of it on himself - but that was just a general comment about the cost of running a home and having 3 children.

I had this too.

I once explained to DP how much my previous income, getting a mortgage young and this lowering our long term housing costs has contributed to our household finances, albeit invisibly.

I would find this very annoying. I earn around 15k a year more than DH but he gets a Christmas bonus of about 2k which we use for a holiday. Our friends comment on the fact he pays for our holiday! All of our income goes into the same pot and although I never say it, the reality is I'm the reason we afford our mortgage all year round. It's annoying that people just assume because he's the man, he's the 'bread-winner' or that I'm so lucky he's treating me!

MIL even said it was unfair of me to get my promotion as it would make DH feel unmanly!

DH couldn't be happier though as it means overall we have a nice lifestyle and money is something we never row over.

This isn't about DH, he really understands and appreciates that it's largely down to me. TBH, he knows that left to him, no matter how much either of us earned, we'd always be "poor"

It's the little digs you get from other people about being a lady of leisure, or it's alright for some. I wouldn't dream of correcting them and telling anyone in RL what our actual financial position is. My poor, very working class GM, always said discussing money was common . It's the assumption that I'm living off DH that gets to me.

Yes it's amazing isn't it, how different experiences can be from person to person.

I'm glad that the next generation will hopefully be more used to equality in the household and family, which in turn will influence their own perspectives when they have families.

I would be offended too. DHs old boss couldn't believe it when I corrected him ( he was saying similar) and said that in fact I earned more than him.

He even brought it up with DH when he gave him a payrise and said 'at least you will be earning more than Anne now'

You don't need to go into detail, just say actually we have both contributed to our situation or something like that

No-one ever knows the details of how others run their lives. They can make all the assumptions they like - it really makes no difference to you or them. You are happy with the way you have managed your finances so far - and what others might imagine about your circumstances is largely irrelevant.

If it is someone you are close to, I would maybe have a word (or ask DH to if it is his side), and remind them that your current situation is the product of both your working efforts over the years, both at home and out of the home, as well as your choices in the way you live. It is not a matter of stereotypes and you both play your part - so please butt out with the comments (or something more diplomatic). Maybe a reminder that you don't comment on the way they choose to run their lives.

Can I ask how on earth people are communicating to you that they think this??? I wouldn't have believed it before I moved away from my previous normal (of the SAHP being as likely to be male as female, if either stayed at home, and the assumption that work was usually consuming lay important to both parents, before and after having a child) to the village where I currently live, where the 1950s live on.

RatMort. Upthread, I said that people often commented 'that I was spending DPs money' despite me being the major earner and much more frugal spender in our relationship. Specific examples:

I bumped into DP's uncle in a shopping centre one Saturday while DP was at work (I work more or less standard office hours, DP is self employed and a lot of his work is at nights and weekends). We were chatting and the uncle asked where DP was and I said at work, the uncle said 'so you are out spending his money then'?

DP and I have just taken up a new hobby and DP chats on forums dedicated to the hobby. He posted that I had just passed a certain qualification related to the hobby and got replies along the lines of 'lock up your credit card, she'll be wanting X, Y and Z now', these being expensive items of kit related to said hobby.

I usually drink cava or prosecco at home (moderately, one bottle a week, usually for a fiver a time from Aldi). On more than one occasion, if BIL has observed said indulgence, he has said to DP 'you'll have to watch her, splashing the cash like that'.

IME there are as many men that spend here there and everywhere on gadgets, cars, sports, alcohol or whatever as there are women spending on clothes, shoes, handbags and cocktails, but it seems to be the women that draw most of the criticism and assumptions that they are spending their partners money instead of/as well as their own.

Ilkley - I would take most of those as just off the cuff, jokey comments about the attraction of spending money (to most people). I wouldn't take them personally. It's just the kind of "jokes" people make without really thinking about what they are saying. Maybe they are also projecting their own experience (maybe they have a wife who likes to treat herself a lot).

Have you never had women friends make some joking comment about letting DH loose with the money ? I am sure I have made jokey comments about not leaving my DH the credit card, or giving him the amazon password (or whatever) because he can't be trusted not to splurge. I have certainly made comments about not letting him go to the supermarket because he is such a sucker for offers. I don't ever mean anyone to take them literally.