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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do i just have to suck this up

32 replies

whatisforteamum · 25/02/2015 09:03

Visited DM and DF yesterday as they had photocopied my cvs after realizing i didnt have any sunday and i was applying for a new job as i was fed up of getting home at 1 15 am exhausted.
Dad has chemo this week for recurrent aggressive cancer.He feels awful for about a week after
and was considering stopping it and let nature take it s course.
Mum has incurable cancer too and he is redecorating to make the house more sellable when they go.
Recently he has been criticizing our home they havent been round in many yrs.If i say we are getting a new dining table he asks where from then gets sniffy if i say a more affordable shop.The same if i say im doing steak for the kids tea he wants to know what cut it is.Constant critcism eventhough we both work hard and have paid our mortgage off.WE dont have anything flash and are not motivated by this we just have 2 lovely teens and a cosy home.my DH just bought a newer car he paid cash for it.They are now going on about how small it is and hw the engine will blow up with all the miles he does!!
They spend tim with my db and ds who have nice lifestyles but dont visit me or my other ds who dont.
My dsis has gone nc for yrs with them and they seem surprised.
Should i put up with their sniggering and snobbery and accept the rudeness as its up to us where we shop or if we dont go abroad or should i say something to them eventhough they are having a hard time as Dad is mums carer really as she cant walk as far as the shops and she will be lost when he goes after 50 yrs together.
They may aswell say they are ashamed of us as we dont have well paid jobs ARRGGHH !!

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 25/02/2015 09:07

They're dying...unless there is a HUGE backstory to this...I think you sound quite dreadful really. Dying people are often not that great to be around. I'm sorry they're both ill. Flowers

DustyBedhead · 25/02/2015 09:14

YANBU to feel like you do about their comments at all. I think you may need to just suck it up to a certain degree, they're both I'll and more than likely worried. Perhaps the next time they get snippy just give a breezy laugh and swiftly change the subject the key is to not bite. If they see you're not at all bothered it may just tail off.

Cobain · 25/02/2015 09:15

I was a carer for my terminally ill parents, you need to try to find an off switch and leave the baggage when you leave their house. My DM especially was critical with me but it is quite common for ill people to behave differently with the person the need the most. In someways it is to make them feel like they are not a burden. Take care of yourself.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 09:15

Um your parents are dying just that

Only1scoop · 25/02/2015 09:17

'Should I put up with their sniggering and snobbery'

Do they really snigger at your steak and car....is it really important?

Is that what is really going on?

Maybe they visit your brother because he invites them and welcomes them....not because he feels he should.

I'm not sure what's going on here really but they both sound really poorly....

sparkysparkysparky · 25/02/2015 09:22

It's a tough one. My Df died of cancer nearly 15 yrs ago ( sometimes feels like yesterday ). I suspect both your parents are angry at their situation and want to make everything Ok as they see it - have control. They also seem to be falling into old patterns of reacting to things ( where you feel criticised ) for comfort because new ones (where everyone puts all the crap behind them ) are too hard to bear. I'd say "put up with it" but that is hard. Sounds corny but I found holding a hand (like you must have done as a child) in a quiet moment a big help with the unspoken stuff. Can do more good for both parties than Big conversations.

Anonimousy · 25/02/2015 09:22

Op, have your parents always been like this or do you think their illnesses are the cause?

It's very said that they are both dying but it doesn't mean you should be happy about a lifetime of critical parenting as that is damaging.

That said, people don't tend to change.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 25/02/2015 09:24

Have i read this correctly, they have always been like this even before they were ill? (as you sister has been NC for years) and it has been years since they visited you, so this is not a change in personality since they got really ill?

Does visiting them give you any pleasure? does it actually give them any pleasure?
How long do you think you will be having to put up with it for?

Unmissable · 25/02/2015 09:30

Gosh, it sounds horrible, but it also sounds like it won't be for much longer Sad

LadyRainicorn · 25/02/2015 09:33

Sick people are not saints.

Dying isn't a process that somehow means years of crap behaviour is wiped out, or even stops.

It does mean that there's a definite end in sight. Could you live with yourself if you didn't suck it up? How much can you let wash over you as the ramblings of someone sick and in pain and who (should) love you? You're happy with whatyou have yes? Try and hold on to that.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 09:54

Surely dying trumpssarcastic comments if they have always been like this then the op has dealt with them al her life people don't change because they are ill it can esalate because of it they are in pain going through aggressive treatment this will make them more irritated with the world imo. The op should either stop telling them things or just suck it up because they are dying

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 25/02/2015 09:58

I meant to say they were ok ish with my family (not so with my sis on benefits) and when they were first ill in 2012 Dad said he was proud of us all.I would never cut them off eventhough they didnt help much when i had PND.
It is like Dad is saying all the critical stuff he can while he can eventhough i love them dearly.i did used to giggle and think Mum was like hycinith bouquet but now my Dh has been struggling with his temper since his heart attack (the cat was a f..ing bitch last night!!) and our 17 yr old dd is struggling to find a job i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.I guess the comments seem harder to take when everything happens at once.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.Perspective is often needed in these situations.
I am just taking the brunt of 3 peoples upset and anger i suppose.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 25/02/2015 10:02

The thing about sucking it up is that it's just going to make you hate spending time with them, instead of spending their last months having quality time and creating memories to treasure.

sparkysparkysparky · 25/02/2015 10:06

It feels like you are in some sort of Twilight Zone. Try and take a bit of time for you. Your Dad said he was proud of you all. That's wonderful even if it is hard to remember when there is so much anxiety around. This is scary for everyone. They show it in all sorts of hurtful ways. Please do something lovely for yourself now and then.
The older generation can be rubbish with PND, by the way. Even the tuned in ones.Thanks

TwoOddSocks · 25/02/2015 10:08

I don't you think you're being unreasonable to find it annoying but I think you should let it go. For whatever reason they have an insecurity about financial stuff and lifestyle and have linked this to success and the inherent value of a person. It's not a healthy attitude but they're not going to change it before they die so if possible I would just try to be the bigger person. Try and separate them from this personality flaw. Good luck.

Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 10:10

Oh that sounds tough I know I was harsh but can you take a bit of time for yourself just to recharge if they comment then try and ignore them tbh their critisisms of your choices doesn't have any reflection on you or your life. My mil was a very difficult person I loved her and got on well with her but god she was hard word and when she was very ill she was a complete dragon It is so draining,

loopymoomoo · 25/02/2015 10:16

Sounds like you are in a terrible position, your parents, especially your dad hasn't found a way to cope with what they are both going through - understandably.... I agree with cobain I think you need coping mechanisms for leaving things that are said in their house as it may be said out of frustration and anger on his part.

Imagine how you would feel if this time becomes tainted, these are your parents, whom you obviously love - try not to 'suck it up' try to enjoy the time you have left with them - maybe even indulge them a little if you can?

Sending you a hug and the strength to get through all of this! Flowers

IAmAllImportant · 25/02/2015 10:21

I would take it that your DF is trying to teach you the best way his way before he goes. He feels the burden of leading you in the right direction quickly, before it is too late.

I would really try to suck it up. Maybe not tell the truth sometimes, just to make him feel better. In the grand scheme of things you getting the wrong cut of steak is not a big deal but it seems to matter to your dying Dad. Maybe one of the few things he feels he can at least try to control!

FinallyHere · 25/02/2015 11:09

I really feel for you in this difficult situation. I agree with those who have been suggesting that you find some way to ignore the 'orrid bits and try to find some comfort from being together while you can.

We had this with my father, some years ago. He suddenly seemed to loose him self and only exhibited his worst, and i mean worst, character failings. Everything was wrong, wrong wrong and absolutely nothing could please him. It was horrible and we, my mother, sister and I, were a bit shell shocked and hardly knew what to do.

A few months later he was dead. In retrospect, it was easy to see what was happening. And we were each so glad that we had resisted telling him to pull himself together and stop being so horrible.

Hope you find a way forward, xx

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 25/02/2015 16:28

aww thanks ladies i feel much better now.I guess 2 yrs of 3 ill loved ones has taken its toll.I cant see why they are obseesed with material things when they must know life is short and money isnt everything your health is.

Mum has been on the brunt of it too Dad didnt want to do anything for their 49 anniversary last week..he just bought chocs and said it was another day !! when mum was diagnosed we all pulled together same when dad was but now things are worsened for Dad he seems to be lashing out (fair enough)

.I see my self as a hard working mum of 2 beautiful polite teens in a clean and paid for house in a nice part of the country whose Dh is struggling with his own health.I will be gutted when my hard working Dad who fostered and adopted children whos lives were made better for it passes away and any silly petty comments are made in frustration and wont tarnish the selfless man he was all his life. :)

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 25/02/2015 16:34

Och lovey try and ignore his comments maybe he is just tired and given up

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/02/2015 16:38

Sometimes the medication people are on also affects their mood so its possible that they are a bit snappy and irritable because of their health, their worries and their medication. I would ignore it because you will really really regret any bust up when they are gone.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 25/02/2015 18:37

:)

OP posts:
Pokeymont · 25/02/2015 19:23

Another vote for making sure you look after yourself Thanks. However you look at it this is a shitty situation for everyone involved.

Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/02/2015 19:59

you need to try to find an off switch and leave the baggage when you leave their house.

How true, I agree with this (and wish I'd thought of it in my own life).

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