Am I funding their wedding?!

[Thoughtfulduck]

Another wedding thread!

I have been asked to be chief bridesmaid for my best friend. Her and her husband to be have decided they want us all to stay for 4 days in a big manor house for the wedding, which will be great fun. However the costs are adding up!

Me and my partner are having to contribute £300 towards renting the manor, which I feel shouldn't be at the expense of the guests. We also are having to drive 5 hours to get there, which is just an inconvenience, plus as two self employed people we are having 4/5 days unpaid leave.

The stag/hen do are costing around £100-150 apiece, we then have to buy a present, I am expected to pay for my bridesmaid shoes (a specific style chosen by the bride), pay for my jewellery (again bride has hinted at preferred choice), and on top of all that she has just told me I need to pay for my own hair and makeup on the day

I don't know whether I am being unreasonable thinking that this is too much! Am I basically paying for their wedding or is this the done thing?

It also doesn't help that they are going on the honeymoon of a lifetime which they like to mention at every oppurtunity, so money isn't exactly tight for them!

why do you have to pay towards the manor?

Just have a quiet word that you're not able to partake in everything due to costs and perhaps it would be better if you stood down as bridesmaid!

I suppose because we are staying their on their request. The RSVP came with an account number and sort code too

Cringe *there obviously

yep, you're funding their wedding - Bail, Bail!!!

Gah! That's so fucking grabby!

I would bow out, graciously!

A friend did this and her nose was completely out of joint as lots of people couldn't commit to the country house hotel etc etc.
It's very excessive.

Could you compromise-
Do your own hair/make up? Get the shoes in a similar style (matchy malchy is naff) . No present, your presence is the present - see what I did there!?

Just go for the day of and stay two nights?

Tell them that you can't afford the time off work. Stay for one night and arrange your own accommodation. Get your own jewellery and say that you will do your own hair and make up. They have got carried away and think that the world revolves around them and their big day.

They are taking the piss in a massive way. Wow!

Yep, you and the other "guests" are bankrolling their big day. The bank details on the invite !
Seriously, knock this on the head now. Be in no doubt that you will also be forking out for pampering days and bridal gifts etc on top of what you have mentioned.

Christ. Abort. Immediately.

YANBU to say that - it sounds like you will be forking out a huge amount of money for their choice of everything.

If she'll be happy won't you staying for a night or 2 in a local b+b or Premier Inn, doing your own hair and make up and choosing your own shoes on jewellery (perhaps something that you already own) then stick with it. If not I'd bail - and explain why.

That's awful. Who else are they charging? I bet it's just them and both sets of parents who are over the moon that it's not costing them £10,000.

Say you're self-employed and haven't got the money! Don't just go along with it-you'll regret it forever.

I remember a similar thread not too long ago but so much had been paid for no point pulling out..

Get out before you spend the money.. Yes I would use the can only do the weekend off work..

That's outrageous. We rented a big country house for our wedding and had everybody stay as well as supplying all meals, food and drink. We paid for the whole lot. Otherwise why do it? People need to have the wedding they can afford, not the wedding they believe they deserve.

A sort code and account number on the RSVP? You're having a laugh.

So basically £900ish?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Either tell them you can't stay, do own hair and makeup, have own jewellery or tell them you cannot pay this amount to watch someone else get bloody married.

Seriously wft is going on with all the aibu wedding threads at the moment! So many unreasonable brides and grooms.

Wow.

What comes over some people where weddings are concerned?

They have probably convinced themselves that because it's fairly regular for people to pay for accommodation on the night of a wedding, that it's ok for them to expect you to pay for your accommodation which in turn pays for tje or exclusive hire of a venue.

In your position I'd have said early on that I couldn't stay three nights, and that I am quite happy to do my own hair and make up and wear jewellery I already have.

I think I could cope with paying for shoes/jewellery/hen party/gift but I don't think I should be paying for the big house...the final straw was being asked to pay for the hair/makeup!

They just inherited a sizeable amount of money and yet every guest (it's a small guest list) is still being charged. Someone commented "oh that money will pay for the wedding then" and their reply was "it's already paid for!"

Yes with my money they've decided to blow it on the honeymoon!

I don't feel like I can back out, and I do want to be part of it as she is my best friend. I'm pleased it's not just me thinking it's a bit grabby!

Just don't go. That is my response to all grabby wedding invitations - a polite no, a nice card wishing them well and Bob's your uncle!

I'd also like to share a bridezilla moment...
Me and fellow bridesmaid were discussing spray tans when the olive-skinned bride sternly told our pale selves that we were not allowed to have a tan...fake or otherwise. She doesn't like that look apparently I wasn't thinking orange skin more Spain-for-a-long-weekend colour. Needless to say I'll be whatever colour I bloody well like!

We had an invite like this last year. We were asked ot stay at the venue and pay for our room. It was only one night though and as we would need a hotel anyway we didn't mind. It was a casually a fantastic wedding.

But asking people to take 4-5 days off work and to pay for it, is so fucking selfish.
I certainly wouldn't go for all that time. Book a hotel somewhere close by for 1/2 nights and tell the bride you can't take 4/5 days off work.

This sounds ridiculous. YANBU.

In your shoes I would work out what I could afford, tell her what I could afford and that would be that.

You cannot hire the hall for them. If there is a fee per night and you want to stay there, then do, for as long as you want to. Just say you cannot get the time off work and you cannot afford the 'fee' per night for too many nights.

As far as the dress and shoes etc, when I got married I bought the dresses and flowers for my bride's maids, I think a hairdresser came to the house for a relatively low fee and 'did' our hair, and we did our own make up or each others! Everyone got a bracelet or something as a thank you gift for being a bridesmaid and they wore their own suitable sandals. If I remember rightly.

Can you afford all this? Will it affect you, e.g. loss of your annual holiday because of it, or will it be something you can stretch to, your choice, of course.

Frankly, your friend is taking the piss, no one except the most noticing person (to use that Agatha Christie phrase) will see the shoes, or care, and I would hazard a guess the same for the jewellery.

She is your best friend, your words, so I would engage in a frank and friendly discussion with your friend and explain you simply cannot afford all this. If it were me I would say something like when you agreed to be chief bridesmaid you were very flattered and very happy to be with your friend on her special day, but the costs are mounting up and it is not possible for you to do all the things that she is asking.

Either chose the bits you want to do (hen do, nice shoes etc) or the bits that are important to her (your choice, I would go with what will be useful for me - e.g. will you ever wear those shoes again! I only wore my wedding shoes about once again, but they were inexpensive and I paid for them myself! Or maybe my dad did!!

Anyway, all best wishes, above all you probably do not want this to affect your friendship but I wonder if you will find this does affect it if you spend a lot of money and feel unhappy about it afterwards.

Oh just ignore her. You can be whatever colour you like.

She'll be telling you what knickers to wear next.