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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not really want to be pregnant during a holiday to Vegas?

47 replies

jamtomorrow1 · 24/02/2015 13:52

I think the answer to this is, 'yes, what is wrong with you', but...

DH is massively keen to have children and is particularly keen to be a dad before he turns 40 next year. I am not really very keen on having children but have gone through it again and again and again with him, and my mum, and my friends I have concluded that I would regret not having children and as I am unlikely to suddenly start feeling broody I had better just get on with it while I am still relatively young (32). DH is perfectly happy to be a stay at home dad and is as supportive as it is possible to be. We have been trying (on and off) for two years and I miscarried at 11 weeks late last year. The MC was pretty protracted but we have now started trying again - no luck so far.

We have through a sequence of coincidences ended up booking a fairly expensive holiday to Vegas in May ('won' VIP trip for four at a charity auction) which includes various organised booze-related escapades which are paid for as part of the package - drinks at various places, entry and drinks at clubs etc. We somehow didn't really think about it at the time of arranging it (all non-refundable) but none of this is going to be particularly entertaining if I am pregnant - obviously there's the drinking thing and last time round I was tired all the time so the likelihood of my wanting to be out all night in clubs and casinos etc is not really huge. I was also very low the last time round (partly hormonal and partly oh-my-god-do-I-really-want-to-be-doing-this I think) and I am concerned about how I will manage this time round.

I would, frankly, rather suspend 'trying' for a couple of months and start again post-Vegas. But I think that this is probably really tw*tty and selfish of me as it really amounts to saying 'I would rather have a really nice holiday than a baby'. Although it is not really one or the other. I feel like I am being a bad trying-to-conceive-person but equally I am not hugely keen on having a 'last big holiday before we have a baby' holiday which involves everyone having a good time except me. DH and I had a conversation the other day which I thought ended with him saying 'look, I appreciate that if we keep trying and you are pregnant when we go to Vegas then you will probably be knackered and mental so if you want then we can put things on hold for a bit' but following a conversation yesterday that clearly wasn't what he meant at all and I have probably just heard what I wanted to hear.

As I say, I fully expect that people will think that I am being unreasonable, selfish and generally horrible but I just wanted to get some unbiased opinions...

OP posts:

Annabannbobanna · 24/02/2015 13:57

Why would anyone say you are being horrible? Because you want a holiday before having a baby? Or because you are ttc when you don't really want a baby?

Original poster

jamtomorrow1 · 24/02/2015 14:00

Ha, loaded question. Because I want to take a break from ttc for several months so that I can have a nice holiday, when I know that it will make my husband sad. It sounds pretty grim when I type it out!

OP posts:

Original poster

jamtomorrow1 · 24/02/2015 14:01

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/02/2015 14:02

I can see it's hard if you've been trying for a while without success then it's probably harder to chat about not trying for a couple of months. However it is what I'd do. I've had awful morning sickness (nausea lasting all day) and would have made a holiday impossible, especially one with a long flight.

You need to speak to your DH though.

Annabannbobanna · 24/02/2015 14:03

It is ultimately your choice though. I don't think it sounds grim and don't know many people who would even see the dilemma. Have a holiday, then you can ttc later in the year.

TourGuideBarbie · 24/02/2015 14:04

Are you trying for a baby because your DH, mum and friends think you should??

MimiSunshine · 24/02/2015 14:06

Selfish, generally horrible? No I don't think so, if the whole plan of the holiday is not aimed at a pregnant woman then why would you be any of the above to want to wait to conceive right now?

I have a friend who is waiting TTC until after an upcoming event as in her words she wont be able to enjoy it as much if she's pregnant. If you have a baby you'll spend the rest of your life generally putting their needs, wants and happiness before your own so putting your own first for the next few months is fine IMO.

You need to go sit down with your DH and let him no that you aren't saying no to a baby but just want to wait until you're back.

So the baby maybe born after he turns 40, you still have time on your side.

laughingmyarseoff · 24/02/2015 14:08

Yanbu op. If I won all that I'd want to enjoy it, including the booze. Use condoms.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2015 14:09

I was a person who didn't feel like children. I had to be talked round. However, when I was TTC I was fully happy with it, wanted my baby and happy not to drink/travel whatever, because being pregnant was more important.

Do you really want to be doing this? Because regardless of whether DH is the SAHP, you have to be a present and committed parent.

Original poster

jamtomorrow1 · 24/02/2015 14:09

PurpleCrazyHorse and Annabannbobanna: thanks very much. We are going to have a chat about it tomorrow (DH is away on business at the moment).

TourGuideBarbie: That's not really what I mean. I am trying for a baby because I think I would ultimately regret it if I don't. I don't like babies, I am freaked out by pregnancy and childbirth, but I do have a really good relationship with my own parents and I can't imagine not having older children. I am someone who tends to overthink things so I am very much hoping that it will all be fine once it is actually happening!

OP posts:

Strokethefurrywall · 24/02/2015 14:12

No it doesn't say that you'd rather have a nice holiday than a baby. What is says is that you would rather get to enjoy the chance to let yourself go, and fully appreciate everything that the trip has to offer which you definitely won't be able to do if you're pregnant. There is no way on earth I'd go to Vegas pregnant. Total waste of an opportunity to cut loose and really have fun!

You need to explain very clearly to your DH that you won't be TTC if this trip is on the cards. It's YOUR vacation too and you should be able to have as much fun as you want without having to worry about being pregnant and knackered.

You get a say in your life too, and you get a say in when you want to have this baby. I appreciate that he's very keen for you to have children, but he doesn't get to dictate every single part of it. There needs to be compromise on both sides. You're happy to try for a child despite not being 100% sure, he needs to allow some leeway for timing. Otherwise you'll be feeling far too much pressure and will become resentful.

Only1scoop · 24/02/2015 14:12

Delay the TTC for a while....enjoy the holiday.

You sound like you are putting yourself under pressure thinking about the whole ttc thing.

Holiday and give yourself a break from baby thoughts.

babygiraffe86 · 24/02/2015 14:20

We have a holiday booked for May, looking to ttc this year, I have said i want to wait until after holiday - or even during :) but would not want to be 10 weeks pregnant on holiday.

i fully understand your dilemma, but i agree with a lot of pp - enjoy your holiday!

Elizadoesdolittle · 24/02/2015 14:30

YANBU - at all. Go to Vegas, have a bloody good time and start ttc when you're back. May isn't that far away. After the miscarriage you deserve a good holiday.

Original poster

jamtomorrow1 · 24/02/2015 14:38

Everyone around here is so kind. I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling like a Bad Person for one reason or another but I feel much happier now that I am not being unfair to say to DH tomorrow that I would much rather wait for a bit and enjoy our holiday. I can then buy millions of ovulation monitors and overdose on maternity vitamins and generally do my best to get up the duff on our return/whilst there (good plan babygiraffe86!)

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 24/02/2015 14:45

Meh your only 32. I would pause without a moments hesitation. How often do you get a fab trip to Las Vegas.

babygiraffe86 · 24/02/2015 14:54

i think you'd end up resenting it if you were to fall now - our holiday is the 2nd week in may so 10 weeks away from now.

the last thing id want is to have just found out i'm preggers, cant tell anyone while on holiday so having to try and avoid drinks/waterparks etc and making up some obscure reason.

i have agreed that we will just stop any protection from holiday time and then see what happens from there. 10 weeks is nothing - 70 days! surely he can wait that short length of time and let you both enjoy your trip (you might end up really bad with morning sickness and ruin his holiday too as he has to look after you - long haul flight and morning sickness, no thanks!)

Buglife · 24/02/2015 14:55

No way are you selfish, I felt utterly rotten from week 5 and no way could I have gone to Vegas, I'd have rather cancelled. I could just about have managed some kind of holiday, but not such a busy, nightlife orientated one. If you want to conceive then wait three months and start.

Allstoppedup · 24/02/2015 14:58

God no, absolutely no problem at all. It sounds like one of those "once in a lifetime" type holidays anyway!

I'm currently 8 weeks pg and feeling fucking horrible, I would have felt (possibly irrationally) cheated if I'd have fallen pregnant before a holiday such as that, you are right you really wouldn't be able to be as care free and enjoy it.

Hold off and suggest to your DP (providing that you are sure you want to actually do this) that you really try whilst you are on holiday! Lots of people find that being able to relax and have fun and spend quality time together on holiday has helped them conceive.

It's not a huge amount of time to put things on hold anyway!

Enjoy yourself and don't feel bad for a second.

Sorry to hear of your miscarriage.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/02/2015 15:00

Postpone the TTC and have a great trip!

Also, it's worth considering that if you had another MC, you could be in the USA with all the complications that might bring.

MrsTedCrilly · 24/02/2015 15:04

YANBU! Enjoy your holiday, Vegas was made for drinking, staying up late and eating lovely crap food! Resume the baby making on your return

BathtimeFunkster · 24/02/2015 15:09

YANBU

You shouldn't need your husband's permission to avoid pregnancy if you don't want to be pregnant.

It sounds like you are under unfair pressure here to do what he wants (make him a father before he turns 40) at your own expense.

Meechimoo · 24/02/2015 15:11

I've been pregnant and in Vegas! It's fine.
It's possible to have a fantastic holiday and let loose without getting pissed every day. I had an amazing time.

Dontunderstand01 · 24/02/2015 15:15

Absolutely postpone and enjoy your holidays.

I was never really a 'baby person' but like you, couldn't imagine life without older dc. I now have a baby son who is hilarious, cute, confusing, messy and loveable. Some days I would cheerfully walk back to my prebaby life, but on the whole I am very happy.

Enjoy the holiday, and when the time comes, enjoy your baby,

Allstoppedup · 24/02/2015 15:17

meech Of course it IS possible to enjoy a holiday whilst pregnant but if the trip does have excursions like the OP has said, it can be no fun not being able to join in, particularly if it's something she would normally enjoy. It's not about just "getting pissed".

Some people struggle with pregnancy symptoms. I've had HG in both of mine and I certainly couldn't have enjoyed a holiday anywhere in the first few months of my pregnancy regardless of where it was! It's not so easy to relax and enjoy a holiday if you feel awful and can't eat etc.

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