to feel like I don't have a bloody clue what I'm doing as a new mum?!

[Absofrigginlootly]

Pfb/DD is 4 months old.... Has silent reflux is on omeprazole which seems to have made a big difference. I'm also dairy and soya free as EBF.

She is a complete pickle when it comes to sleep. During the day she is either fed to sleep and then sleeps on my lap or is rocked to sleep in the sling. Night times she is fed to sleep and then sleeps on my chest in the safest co sleeping environment I can create. She literally will not sleep ANY other way!!!! I've given up trying to fight it and just go with what she wants.... Someone on here mentioned Dr Sears and she is DEFINITELY a high needs baby, she ticks every box.

I'm not one for the books (I haven't read them, although I am aware of the various parenting philosophies Gina Ford etc as years ago I worked in HV... So am aware of the advice not to feed to sleep blah blah blah) and my approach is generally to wing it and hope it all works out for the best. We seem to have naturally fallen into an attachment style of parenting.

Lots of the time I feel ok with that approach.... DD is gaining weight well, seems to be hitting her developmental milestones (when I do a quick google search eg 4 month old baby development) and I feel that I do everything I can to get her as much sleep as I can and the rest is sort of 'down to her' in so much as some days /nights she fights sleep and I don't think there's anything else I could do to 'make' her sleep.....

But then I have these massive moments of doubt that I should be doing more, or doing things differently and that a more experienced mum would have her sleeping through in her cot by now (she currently wakes between 2-4 times a night...bloody 4 month sleep regression!!).

This is not helped by my DM and MIL who clearly disapprove of my approach (MIL thinks we should put her in her cot, shut the door and just leave her to cry herself to sleep) Yes, really. Not to even go into her once!!!!!!!! DD would become HYSTERICAL after about 30 seconds so obviously I'm not going to do that!!!!!!

But I just wondered whether other people felt like they didn't really know what they were doing as a new mum? Did things just sort of work out eventually? Especially if you coslept and fed to sleep? Do you think it's worth reading any books on baby development? For example, I'm just winging it when it comes to playing with her... I just sing and talk to her, wave toys above her head, take her for walks in the Bjorn.... Currently only make it to one baby group. Or should I be doing something more structured? Sometimes I swear she looks bored!!! Thanks!!

Winging it seems to work for most of us!

I cried when DH went back to work after paternity leave - DS almost 4 weeks old. I was so scared of looking after him alone...lol.

If you want to take her to more groups, then do.

:D

4 months is really young still, and you sound really anxious about everything, which is understandable with your DD having reflux and not sleeping well. Mine was the same, and I also used to stress LOADS and loads about the sleep issue, because I fed him to sleep and he would only sleep on me, for the whole first year. I also fell into an attachment parenting style for DS's first 12 months, and fed him to sleep and throughout the night, (he used to wake 5-6 times a night) and it worked okay although I became massively sleep deprived and did start suffering mentally because of this.
Anyway, after DS was 1 we slowly made some changes, putting him in to his own cot in own room, stopping feeding to sleep and night weaning him, and then some sleep training- nothing barbaric- just leaving him to settle himself for a few minutes, which did involve him crying on his own for a bit- never for more than 2 minutes. Teaching him to self settle didn't come until he was about 15-16 months, when I felt he was ready for it.
Anyway, sorry for the epistle, I just wanted to say really that 4 months is so young, so do what works and try not to worry- YES it will all be work out okay and your DD will be absolutely fine whatever you choose to do!

Thanks for the replies. I'm not feeling overly anxious, just maybe in danger of overthinking it?! ;)

I guess its partly like I say my DM and MIL would consider themselves 'experts' (they aren't, I have a strained relationship with DM and DH does with his too) and seem to question everything I do.... It makes me doubt myself in my more sleep deprived moments...

scrumpy how did you decide when and what sleep training method to use? Thanks

I thought we all winged it, regardless of baby number 1 or 9

If you naturally fall into something and it works for you,.why on.earth would you want to change it.

Babies don't sleep when you want them too. You can sleep train (from 6 months is it?) If you want to, but you don't have to.

I believe I am an attachment parent, although I think the phrase is ball-achingly crass and pretentious, labels to sell books.

I'm a single parent, co-sleep and until last week breastfed DS (23 months). I did the same with DD 11 years ago.

Everyone had an opinion on creating a rod for my own back, but I got rest because it was easier to BF than make up bottles and easier to have them in bed than be up and down to settle them through the night.

The only time an opinion is relavant is when the person giving it is there at 3am with the screaming baby.

You do what suits you and your baby, what helps family life plod along, what keeps you (relatively) sane .

Nobody has a clue about this baby lark. Anybody who does, or says they do, are either lying or so confident in their own abilities that they are probably doing it all wrong and not realising.

Thanks celebacy I think it also stems from posters online who just seem so informed about all things baby related... eg how much sleep they need, how to schedule naps, how to sleep train and which method etc etc .... And I don't feel like I know any of that stuff that I feel like the only one who doesn't really know what they're doing!

My favourite are the threads where people have set nap and bedtimes, a good bedtime routine and a baby who sleeps through from 8 weeks.... Nothing like a thread like that to make me start questioning myself!!!! ;)

Another one from the parenting school of winging it here

I do remember telling my lovely midwife that I couldn't possibly look after ds1 because I wasn't qualified, though! The hearless woman left him with me regardless, and he survived my lack of qualification.

I went from reading every book and discovering they all tell you something different, and sometimes the exact opposite, to choosing one that I found sensible and stuck with that. What you are doing sounds great

Remember that mums like nothing better than to brag and lie about how their babies have been sleeping through from day 3, walked at 2 months and have been fluent in Mandarin since 4 months...

Sounds like your doing a grand job to me! Babies don't have a one size fits all magic formula and I am on baby #5 and still learning. So long as your baby is gaining weight and happy then I wouldn't over think it tbh .

My top tips (3dc with silent reflux):

• try using a dummy - the pleasure of sucking also keeps the acid down (dc2 had the worst reflux and thankfully found his thumb, but in essence, sucking helps)
• put your dd to sleep in her tummy. I know it goes against SIDS guidelines (but then so does your current co sleeping). At night the stomach is digesting food and the pressure of the mattress on the tummy alleviates discomfort that usually wakes them. Also it stops the startle reflex which causes a lot of waking. I had an IW who used to work at a large London special care unit and all babies were settled on their tummies (it makes patting to soothe easier too). *i have read amazing things about the Sleepyhead and have just ordered one for dc4 (due in a few weeks).

Parenting, especially first time round, is extremely hard work. It will get easier. I am SO excited about dc4 as there is no fear...you know it all works out in the end so you just savour and enjoy it all more!

Good luck

I've been winging it for the past 15 years with DD, she's still alive and mostly intact and appears to be turning into a passable human being.

I'm following much the same method with DS who's nearly 2. I think their instruction manuals got lost in the post somewhere.

Don't over think it. Get as much rest as you can. I'm sure you're doing a fine job.

chocolate THREE dc with silent reflux?!

I bet your DM and MIL have forgotten how hard it is at the beginning! We all wing it and just when you think you've got the hang of one stage, the baby moves on to another stage or you have DC2 and they respond completely differently to what you did with the first one. You sound like you just need the reassurance to carry on working it out as you are. Good luck.

I had no idea what I was doing. Expecting number 2 and have this romantic idea in my head that I'll know what I'm doing this time, baby will sleep blah blah blah. In reality I know I'm going to be winging it again.

oh bless you. Silent reflux is awful, awful, awful.

I felt like I was going mad, even when it was properly controlled with omeprazole. The babies have a helluva time with it. It really, really isn't you - you've been dealt a duff hand and so has baby.

Second ChocolateBiscuitCake's advice with all those things.

A heartening story for you - my pfb was very refluxy, woke every 45 minutes til 9 months, would only sleep on me, upright, as had to be held for half hour after feed. Reflux gradually went when weaned, and hey presto the sleep totally sorted itself out and now we have luxurious 12 hour nights. Hang in there. xxx

Living with reflux groups on fb helped me too.

Thankyou eggface that has indeed warmed the cockles of my heart!!!! :)

When my dc1 was tiny I was obsessed by the idea that there was "the right way" to parent and if only I could work out what this way was, my dc would sleep like everyone elses. By the time I was on dc3, I had realised that frankly everyone just struggles through and does whatever works. There is no "right way". What works for some babies and parents would be a disaster for others. If you're lucky, you get a dc that sleeps. If you don't, there's often bugger all you can do about when they are tiny. You might be able to influence things if you are prepared to let your tiny baby becoming totally hysterical. but I don't think many people would recommend this.

If it makes you feel any better (actually I'm not sure if it will!), I have 3 dcs, so "experienced" and none of them slept through til they were 12 months. One of them I suspect had reflux and another probably had a dairy intolerance so used to vomit constantly. By dc3, my expectations were very, very low. She just came into bed with me and we struggled along.

Don't beat yourself up about your baby not sleeping. It almost certainly has got nothing to do with you and everything to do with your baby doing exactly what babies are meant to do. At some point it will sort itself out.

I was completely clueless, I think most of are so you aren't alone.

Your DM and MIL need to butt out. What they think about how you should be doing things is irrelevant.

It does get easier xxxx

Also winging it here in a loosely attachment parenting way. Cosleeping with 9 month old twins as they would not go back to sleep in cot from 5 months. Am lucky that my mil thinks a gap of 30+ years means she's no longer an expert and my mum thinks it is up to us.

I don't think anyone knows what they are doing. I was told at the hospital to ring the midwife bleep if no one came to see us within 24 hours of discharge. I asked if she was sure as the number was for emergency calls only. She replied new parents being left without support was an emergency!

At 4 months my dd woke between 2-4 times too. She is now 3.5 and has no sleep issues at all. I did sleep train her at 10 months to learn to self soothe when we put her to bed, but always attended every night waking. She was still having 3 oz of milk at 20 months. 12 hours is too long for a little baby to go without imo. J know some babies can and do, but mist 4 month old's still wake. Go with your instincts. Don't force yourself to do something that doesn't feel right. My dd slept on me until she was about 6 months old in the day. Everyone told me that I was making a rod for my own back and that id really regret it in the future. I'm still no closer to understanding what the consequences were supposed to be!

You sound lovely OP.

I suppose the main thing is to be sensitive to the baby and what your own needs are.

I stopped feeding to sleep my dd at 7 months old because she wouldn't let me get up again. But we did it by holding her and singing to her until she fell asleep. My dgd is 19 months old is still fed to get her to sleep.

I'm a student SW and have just done an exam on attachment theory, not saying I'm an expert but there is a lot of evidence to suggest that developing a secure attachment in the infancy (0-2 years) stage makes for much more emotionally secure older children and adults. This involves responding sensitively to the baby's needs, just like you're doing.

Preferred methods of attachment vary over time and in different cultures - your mum's generation and in countries such as Germany today, insecure attachment is still seen as the preferred method of attachment (mostly, before I get flamed by any German attachment parents).

Watch a few YouTube videos on John Bowlby attachment theory to put your mind at ease.

And yanbu, all babies are different and you just have to muggle through however works for you as a family.

You do what you want and what works for you. You sound like you're doing just fine.

I'm still winging it and mine are 20.

My baby didn't sleep through until we started weaning; in fact she began waking up more and more from four months because – I now know – she was constantly hungry. (She was EBF and we co-slept too to get through it.)

As soon as we started on solids she naturally started sleeping more, which made total sense to me; hopefully something similar will happen for you if you miss your sleep as much as I did - but you sound like you're coping brilliantly and your baby sounds blissfully happy.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful re: routine. We used a basic Baby Whisperer EASY routine and I tried to encourage her into her Moses basket – but mostly she slept on me. I'm sure these things will fall into place, and there are lots of gentle ways to persuade her to sleep anywhere other than you when you're ready, as PP have said. But basically I think if you're happy, you needn't feel any pressure to change anything. I only did because I am a much nicer person when I have slept more than two hours in a row.

Remember this feeling. Over the next fourteen or so years it will gradually go as your child grows and thrives. Then the teenage years hit and that feeling of not having a bloody clue comes back to roost!