to feel like I don't have a bloody clue what I'm doing as a new mum?!

[Absofrigginlootly]

Pfb/DD is 4 months old.... Has silent reflux is on omeprazole which seems to have made a big difference. I'm also dairy and soya free as EBF.

She is a complete pickle when it comes to sleep. During the day she is either fed to sleep and then sleeps on my lap or is rocked to sleep in the sling. Night times she is fed to sleep and then sleeps on my chest in the safest co sleeping environment I can create. She literally will not sleep ANY other way!!!! I've given up trying to fight it and just go with what she wants.... Someone on here mentioned Dr Sears and she is DEFINITELY a high needs baby, she ticks every box.

I'm not one for the books (I haven't read them, although I am aware of the various parenting philosophies Gina Ford etc as years ago I worked in HV... So am aware of the advice not to feed to sleep blah blah blah) and my approach is generally to wing it and hope it all works out for the best. We seem to have naturally fallen into an attachment style of parenting.

Lots of the time I feel ok with that approach.... DD is gaining weight well, seems to be hitting her developmental milestones (when I do a quick google search eg 4 month old baby development) and I feel that I do everything I can to get her as much sleep as I can and the rest is sort of 'down to her' in so much as some days /nights she fights sleep and I don't think there's anything else I could do to 'make' her sleep.....

But then I have these massive moments of doubt that I should be doing more, or doing things differently and that a more experienced mum would have her sleeping through in her cot by now (she currently wakes between 2-4 times a night...bloody 4 month sleep regression!!).

This is not helped by my DM and MIL who clearly disapprove of my approach (MIL thinks we should put her in her cot, shut the door and just leave her to cry herself to sleep) Yes, really. Not to even go into her once!!!!!!!! DD would become HYSTERICAL after about 30 seconds so obviously I'm not going to do that!!!!!!

But I just wondered whether other people felt like they didn't really know what they were doing as a new mum? Did things just sort of work out eventually? Especially if you coslept and fed to sleep? Do you think it's worth reading any books on baby development? For example, I'm just winging it when it comes to playing with her... I just sing and talk to her, wave toys above her head, take her for walks in the Bjorn.... Currently only make it to one baby group. Or should I be doing something more structured? Sometimes I swear she looks bored!!! Thanks!!

You sound like you're doing a fab job OP. Ignore relatives. They are not allowed to have an opinion if they're not dealing with DD all day/night long.

Go with whatever works for you and DD - I think babies are often reasonably forgiving of early 'habits' (I'm not saying bad habits as they're only bad if you think they are - if you're happy to feed to sleep/co-sleep etc there's no issue IMO).

DS1 had silent reflux and at 3-4 months I nearly decided to run away. I was worried about getting into bad habits and spent so much wasted time trying to get out of them. It was pointless - I just needed to wait till he was older then it was much easier to sort out. By the age of 9 months he was normally sleeping through the night in his own cot, and never slept on me or needed feeding to sleep again unless really poorly.

By 6-7 months DS2 was waking between 20-30 times a night, I endlessly fed him to try to resettle and we were co-sleeping. I thought DH would never be able to move back in but when we put DS2 in his own room he slept through within two nights.

My point, in a very waffly and roundabout way, being that at this age I wouldn't worry about creating habits - if you're unhappy with co-sleeping and feeding to sleep you can sort it out later, and it might just all resolve itself when she's older and more comfortable anyway. Just do what you need to and be reassured you're creating a really strong bond with DD.

PS And yes, no-one knows what they're doing as a new Mum, and no, you don't need to go to more baby groups unless you want to. [Smile]

..... OK final comment (sorry) - what you are doing in terms of stimulation sounds absolutely spot on. It is VERY easy to get hung up on that kind of stuff (I did too till the HV laughed at me) so just don't worry.

I honestly thought 'how hard can it be?' before I had dd

Having a baby is such a shock and then to suddenly have all these decisions and judgements to make over everything it is so overwhelming.

If your way of doing things i.e. cosleeping and no routine is working for you then go with it. I know I got to about 3 months and the sleep deprivation kicked in and I realised I needed some structure and routine to be able to function properly. I liked the baby whisperer book but actually found Gina Ford the most helpful in terms of giving me a rough idea of how often and how much sleep and feeding a baby might need (I seriously had no clue!)

It came as a huge revelation that dd needed to go back to bed an hour after waking up in the morning, as well as giving some helpful practical advise at getting her to sleep on her own. This worked for me as I couldn't handle the uncertainty of not knowing what a typical day would look like iyswim, plus dd was also high needs and without the routine would spend most of the day screaming she just used to get sensory overload I think and needed to sleep in a dark quiet room.

Cosleeping for me didn't work as although dd slept I spent every night wide awake too scared to move incase I woke her up!!

I get a lovely warm feeling reading your post; it sounds as if you are doing such a nice job. I totally fed (feed) both DDs to sleep and cosleep with both (huuuge bed with bedside cot). It is gorgeous! DD1 also fitted the criteria for a high needs baby down to a t so with her it was the path of least resistance. She's 4 now, self weaned at 30 months, and is a sparky, bright and independent girl who falls asleep by herself and sleeps through the night. DD2 (20 months) is very easy-going and would probably have been fine in a cot in a room by herself but feeding to sleep and cosleeping seems so much easier, especially in the first year when there are so many developmental milestones, teething and hungry nights, all of which can wreak havoc with sleep. No, better to just get comfy and enjoy. It must be difficult not to have the support of your mil and dm, but just imagine trying to do it their way when your heart isn't in it. At the end of the day, quite literally, it is you who will have to either a) go through the heartbreak which I imagine controlled crying to be and then have to tiptoe across the landing to feed or soothe in the night or b) both stay snuggled up together in bed and just feed back to sleep again. You take your pick as you'll be the one doing it, not them. I reckon that even during the weeks when the DDs needed feeding every hour or woke with teething, I never lost more than a couple of minutes sleep at either waking. The secret is, of course, to learn to feed lying down.
And if you ever need a book to validate what you are doing, there is the very encouraging What Every Parent Needs To Know : The Incredible Effects of Love, Nurture and Play On Your Child's Development by Margo Sutherland.

Sweetheart we are all winging it with our kids at 4 months, 4 years, 14 years and still worrying at 24 years and will do until we die.

And your mil and dm whinged it too they just don't remember.

You carry on doing what you are doing and tell dm/mil if they want to help you make a casserole.

You never realise how truly previous and beautiful 4 hours sleep is until you give birth.

And agree peaceful sleep where you all want. Our household was musical beds.

Our youngest is now 14 and used to love our bed. Strangely now she doesn't.