to ask for your input/experiences re: 'intense' people?

[latenightworker]

Hello, my name is latenightworker and I am intense.

I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop.

I overshare. I make myself look silly, I talk myself up and sometimes lie. I act like I'm 'cooler' than I am.

I have the feeling that I wear people out sometimes. I certainly make some people uncomfortable.

Do you know anyone like this? What would you suggest to them?

What are some of the things people have overshared with you or ways that they've been intense?

(I've just read this over and I realise that I sound like a journalist, ha! I am not. I recently realised via reading some other MN threads that I am quite intense. Not honest, not 'real', not 'just my personality'. I am really putting people off by my behaviour, but I don't really know how it looks from the outside. Just that a lot of people start off liking me and then drop me like a hot potato. And needless to say, I don't really like that much.)

'Over sharing' is relative and subjective surely? What makes you think you're making people feel uncomfortable?

I have a mate like this. She's insecure. I think counselling would help. It's all about trying to impress people....when you're an adult you need to move away from trying to impress people and work on feeling happy in your own skin as you are.

No advice - but I'm probably the same.

You may use my (hilarious) self-deprecating comment that I use sometimes if I remember to lighten the convo; 'Sorry, I seem to have got stuck on a rant cycle'.

Do you think you might have ADHD? or Aspergers? (I self-diagnosed in my forties as having slight aspergers and being 'highly sensitive'.

I think if you have some self-awareness - which you clearly do - than that's a good start.

I am certainly 'highly sensitive' but I definitely don't have Aspergers (long story but it came up with a counsellor once and she was adamant that it wasn't relevant). Ditto for ADHD, I definitely don't have it.

Oooh I get stuck on a rant cycle now and then.

I suffer from anxiety and depression which are successfully treated with medication so are not really an issue for me.

One of the ways that I've made people uncomfortable is through making sexual passes at them at inappropriate times

I really am blushing just writing that anonymously on the internet. I can't believe some of the things I've done sometimes.

Oversharing, tendency to lie or say outlandish things, making inappropriate passes...something is going on, isn't it?

Nobody can really say why you are like this. Anecdotally, the two friends I have with these tendencies have ADHD and bipolar disorder respectively.

Have you considered psychotherapy? It sounds like you are unhappy with the way things are and would benefit from some help to unpick your issues...

You don't sound 'intense' to me - I would reserve that to describe someone who didn't gradually work up, over the course of a conversation or over the course of a friendship, to talking about Big Issues, but jumped right in with Death/genocide/the nature of belief/FGM/the Middle East within two seconds, who didn't have a light-hearted mode, and with whom interaction involved intense concentration and a lot of work. I wouldn't view that as a negative, necessarily, but it's not what you're describing.

But clearly your behaviour is causing issues. What exactly is it that you are doing? If one of us met you socially, what would you be like, and what is it that subsequently involves people dropping you?

Well that's the thing ratmort, imagine we met for a coffee. It's quite likely that we would have a really nice chat. OK possibly we would touch on something in the news; the economy, politicians, Syria or something, but in general I tend to have fairly moderate views so it's not like I'm jumping in with a clear, fully-formed opinion on Palestine vs Israel or anything (< shudders >).

Once I met for coffee with someone and after about 20 minutes she suddenly said, really quickly, that she had to go. She hardly said goodbye. I wondered what on earth I'd said. Was I that boring? She didn't respond to my emails after that.

I have overshared about my health in the past or about previous relationships. I once said to someone I hardly knew that I was a radical feminist in the true sense and explained briefly what that entailed. She was clearly uncomfortable. < facepalm >

I suppose a large part of it is spending time with people who clearly don't like me very much and not really being able to pick up on that. I am quite oversensitive so I try not to take things too personally, but perhaps that means that I miss out on a lot of cues that people don't really like me.

It's like I always think that I am closer to people than I actually am. Or I treat them like friends when they are barely acquaintances. That's what I would like to be able to stop.

Why did your counsellor think aspergers was irrelevant?

It was definitely not relevant to my problems. I guess because being a psychologist (not 'just' a counsellor) and having spent many hours talking to me, she knew that I didn't exhibit any of the signs of ASD.

Hi, I am MrsPMT and I too am 'intense'

I do scare people off sometimes, I try to keep my most forward type behaviour to a minimum in mixed company (can't help it sometimes but thats life) and most people who are scared off I just think we are not suited.

Some people (a lot) like to be light in all social interaction and are sweetness and light no matter what the circumstances, I'm just not like that and don't have much in common with people who are.

I would say I have slight mood swings which I am aware off, quite hormonally linked imo (hence the username) but nothing strong enough to be bipolar.

But IMO, this is the real me, I'm not everyones cup of tea and not the most popular person at the school gates but I am in a long-term relationship and I have several very good friends. I can be very opinionated but am also very loyal and supportive.

I would try to def stop the lying and bigging yourself up, but perhaps there is something that makes you put on a false persona (worries about others not liking you enough as you are?).

I def have become happier with myself with age, and I have had a lot of counselling for various issues which has probably helped me accept the way I am and also to learn that its okay if someone doesn't like me.

Yes late night I have an aquaintance like this :( she was a client and in our first meeting we really clicked and had a great time, but then afterwards she wrote all over Facebook about being my new best friend and being so pleased she'd found me.
I thought that was a bit much but then quite quick ly she qas texting all the time with personal things and giving me her life story.
Tbh I started phasing her out because I didnt actually feel like a person to her, more like an audience. I dont think she ever really paid any attention to me

Also from your last message, cross-posted, I def have more in common with similar people, and gravitate towards others like me.

DP and I joke about groups at the school gate and my friends and I are def 'the eccentrics'

Perhaps you just haven't met the right people? What age group are you (if you don't mind answering), I am early 40's.

I strongly identify with your posts latenight. It's uncanny.

Sorry - that's no advice.

If there were lessons for acquiring social skills for adults I'd be at them in a flash. I can do chit chat but definitely miss out on social cues sometimes and frequently put my feet in it and I know I'm a marmite personality.

On the other hand, my best friends are fabulous wonderful people - kind and patient and I'm sure they genuinely value my friendship. Perhaps it's best to be happy with that and not give other people - who ultimately don't matter - a second thought.

I used to fret about my in-laws. Recently I reluctantly gave up on the idea of them 'accepting me' and although it's a bit sad and I feel a bit uncharitable to have made the decision to stop making an effort, I feel better for taking the pressure off myself to expect anything. It's quite liberating to step back and just let them wash over me IYSWIM. I'm not disappointed by their lack of interest now. A situation that's relevant to you perhaps? Apologies if not.

x-posted with MrsPMT - I agree with her advice.

Which is kind of 'stuff 'em'. I mean that seriously btw.

Do you think it would help to identify why you feel the need to lie? Is it just to impress people, or is it because you feel as though the truth about your life isn't very interesting?
Are you hoping that they will be amazed by your tales, or just not fall asleep while you're talking to them?
WRT to the making passes at people - what makes the moments inappropriate? Were you actually attracted to these people or was it another attempt to appear interesting?
Do you think it would help to tackle the symptoms or the cause?

Agree chocoluvva

I also have lovely best friends and sometimes we annoy each other, sometimes we get narked off but underneath we know we are good people and care about each other, we won't drop each other over minor issues (like putting your foot in mouth occasionally )

I've had friendship fails, when I've got to know someone new, has seemed we get on well but then I've said or done something and they've dropped me, I still find it hard, I can be a very loyal friend and after I've got over the dumping I think, their loss.

People make mistakes, they say the wrong things sometimes, everyone has ups and downs and good friends will accept that, IMO.

Was she a counsellor or psychologist? NHS/private? What conclusion did she come to..?

I definitely think asd/aspergers is relevant. I have an 'intense' child with aspergers and subsequently realised that the apple didn't fall far from the tree!
Asd/aspergers is also linked with depression, I'd suggest you do a bit of reading around the subject. Asd presents differently in girls/women, they are able to mask/copy/imitate being nt, but deep down it is stressful coping with the nt world and this often leads to anxiety and depression.

Having social difficulties/social impairments is a major feature of asd, look up 'triad of impairments' and adults.
How are your motor skills? Are you great at sports?

Oh. Gosh.

I read through these posts and smirked to myself, 'Oh, they're still on about the ASD thing'. When Galvanised mentioned that ADS presents differently in girls/women, though, I thought I'd better check it out.

Now, I am well aware of med students' disease, but I'll be darned if I didn't identify with a heap of items on the list.

www.willowhope.com/pages/aspergers-traits-in-girls

In particular, "may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc", and I was hyperlexic.

"May have one or many partial degrees" (3, if we're counting)

"Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting"

"Will not do well with verbal instruction – needs to write down or draw diagram" (I prefer to see things written down. Not so unusual on its own, but in combination with all the other things it could be relevant).

'Strong sensory issues – sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload' I wouldn't have thought these were TOO strong, nothing remarkable, but they are definitely there. Very much prone to overload.

'Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot-tapping' I just started a new thread because I am sick and tired of pulling my hair out and can't stop

"Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload" Less than before, but it's still there.

And many, many other things on the list.

Definitely something for me to think about, there.

I laughed at first, but now I'm like not another thing to potentially try to deal with!

Galvanised my motor skills are atrocious!