to ask for your input/experiences re: 'intense' people?

[latenightworker]

Hello, my name is latenightworker and I am intense.

I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop.

I overshare. I make myself look silly, I talk myself up and sometimes lie. I act like I'm 'cooler' than I am.

I have the feeling that I wear people out sometimes. I certainly make some people uncomfortable.

Do you know anyone like this? What would you suggest to them?

What are some of the things people have overshared with you or ways that they've been intense?

(I've just read this over and I realise that I sound like a journalist, ha! I am not. I recently realised via reading some other MN threads that I am quite intense. Not honest, not 'real', not 'just my personality'. I am really putting people off by my behaviour, but I don't really know how it looks from the outside. Just that a lot of people start off liking me and then drop me like a hot potato. And needless to say, I don't really like that much.)

I think I am intense. When I'm not being socially awkward that is. I can't seem to find the middle ground between small talk, that light chit-chat that other women seem to do so well, and conversations that are to me at least "important" and those would include world events, ethical stuff, relationships.. I would say that other people find it either exhausting and odd, or just plain boring - I do know that I bore people and have trained myself to recognise the signs! Things have been better for me in this regard since I self diagnosed with AS, and although I have become more reclusive the social contact I do have is easier.

Not saying you are AS though, just my experience.

I think I would probably prefer to keep thinking of myself as being an introvert and a bit of a homebody .

I have a lot invested in my own self-image as NT for some reason.

The part about AS I still don't get, though, is: why does it make other people uncomfortable? An acquaintance of mine was diagnosed with it and he had all the stereotypical signs, eg finding it hard to make eye contact, not looking in the right places during a conversation (eg staring at a light switch while someone was talking and being clueless as to how that made them feel). He had training to help him see the world in the same way as NT people and learn to 'act' in a way that made his colleagues more comfortable.

If one was interacting with an adult female with ASD who did not exhibit my friend's stereotypical traits, what might one notice and/or feel uncomfortable about?

No clue if this is relevant or not:

I don't think I'm socially awkward, just (over)sensitive. I do find some other people socially awkward though judgemental. For example a few months back I was helping out at a school event and ran into a man I'd spoken to briefly before. Someone went to introduce us and I said something like, "Oh, we already know each other." He was at pains to point out, "Now, well, not really." I just smiled but I thought to myself oh for heaven's sake, is it that important to be so precise?

FWIW I'm reasonably well presented and attractive so I don't think it was that he wanted to disassociate himself from the crazy woman with twigs in her hair or whatever!

The part about AS I still don't get, though, is: why does it make other people uncomfortable? exactly - you don't get it. You don't know the subtle clues/social cues you may be missing.

Have a google for females and late-diagnosis for ASD.

e.g. this is quite accessible as a starter: taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

And avoid the people who say 'well everyone is on the spectrum, aren't they?"!

I Kind of want to know more about the sexual passes bit..?!
I find this interesting as someone asked me the other day if I had always been intense. I hadn't thought about it up to then.
I actually like people who just launch into conversations about real stuff though. I can do small talk but I find it very dull.
but then I probably am the mad woman with twigs in her hair!
Agree with others that the key is really getting comfy in your own skin. Work on being a good person, being honest, true to your self, and try not to worry about how others see you. Probably everyone who is anything more than totally bland has alienated someone with their personality at some time.
One of my best friends will sometimes describe, ruefully how she met someone and " beat them over the head with her personality" which always makes me laugh.

I don't have anything to add to the main discussion, but the example you post above of the man apparently trying to distance himself from you by saying he didn't know you well could be read another way. You describe the third person as making something of an effort to introduce him to you, it could well have been that the third person was feeling a bit stupid for having bothered to introduce two people who already knew one another (I woukd in those circumstances) and the man picked up on this and tried to soften it with his "not that well" comment.

The problem with being socially over sensitive is that you genreally assume that you're somehow being slighted (I have this problem so i know what it's like), but often that's not the case. We only have our own perspective to go on, so we see ourselves at the centre of everything, but a lot of the time other people's motives for doing things which seem somehow rude or insensitive to us actually have nothing to do with us at all.

Yes yes to learning to love yourself the way you are.
I love people like me as well! People who enjoy heavy detailed conversations about what might appear to be random topics.
I won't be everyone's cup of tea, but there are plenty of people who like me (I think!) the way I am.
Co-ordination things are also linked to ASD, which is why I mentioned it, not necessarily something a psychologist would pick up on.

Twinkle I'm reading your link and grinning and agreeing with everything.

IfNot I will be standing beside you as another with twigs in her hair

I was horrified to come to the conclusion that I probably have Asperger's. It hasn't changed anything. I always thought I was too sociable and interested in people and humorous to be 'on the spectrum'. Just saying - it covers so many 'symptoms' that it's not always going to be a useful 'diagnosis'. It will depend on the individual.

The phrase 'neuro typical' is perhaps a bit unfortunate - I try to think of the NT/AS as a majority/minority thing - AS does have some advantages IMO - I'm sure I would not/could not behave very badly out of a need to conform for example.

However - the AS thing doesn't make it impossible to learn all the subtle social cues or at least the main social cues - it just takes a lot longer - but that's encouraging - even in your middle age/old age you will get to be more socially skilled.

For me the realisation that I sometimes (often?) 'present' unwell/inappropriately was painful - and looking back there were times when my lovely mum tried to advise but the thought that I was getting it wrong was too painful for me to listen to her and benefit from it. I'm embarrassed to think that some people run a mile when they see me coming but that's an unhelpful attitude...

FWIW I think 'modern day society' is less tolerant of individual differences than the people who lived before us. I blame telly and the internet - we can see everyone now so increasingly only people who present well and look good get jobs that involve working with people. Embrace your quirkiness latenight - be kind to yourself, remember that nobody is perfect and you might find that you have less need to 'make an impression' on the people you meet/know. This is my home-spun advice that I give to myself and try but usually fail to take.

Just a thought OP, but do you give other people enough chance to talk or do you tend to monopolise the conversation. I have a friend who I find quite wearing and it's mainly down to the fact that she talks relentlessly and spends so long getting to the point.

Twinkle maybe I'm being thick but I really still don't get it.

I can understand why things like my acquaintance's behaviour might bother people (for eg I would assume if someone kept looking at the light switch that they were not interested in what I was saying).

Is the idea that I am potentially missing all sorts of non-verbal cues that I'm not aware of? I realise that this is a massive oversimplification, but it's not like I don't see it when someone subtly checks her watch or sneaks a glimpse at my breasts or something like that.

What I mean is, in what way would I potentially be making people uncomfortable without realising it? I understand all the ways I've done this verbally (oh heavens, do I ever, am turning cold just remembering some of them!), and occasionally non-verbally. But I think I'm reasonably aware of gestures/body language etc. What else is there?

I mean in very general terms, as in the way my acquaintance described his coaching to me; it was obviously much more complex than "remember to look at people when you're in discussion" but that was one of the things he told me he had never picked up on.

I think I'm just bloody awkward! Although I do tick almost every box in all the lists I've seen today

If it means anything much, although I've burned bridges with just about every job I've ever had (dead giveaway there), I've done a LOT of waitressing/hospitality work and always done well at it. I have had trouble with customers occasionally, but most people have. The general public are notoriously hard to deal with!

Thumbcat I have my moments of completely monopolising the conversation. I am always reminding myself to listen, listen and let others talk. I come from a family who all like the sound of their own voices!

I wouldn't worry too much about making others uncomfortable. Except for obvious things - I had a terrible habit of giggling if something dreadful happened to someone, not like a death obviously, but if someone made a badish mistake in work. It was a stress response on my behalf, but used to piss off my boyfriend no end (we worked together, in a field I now realise is riddled with people with 'social difficulties'). I really try not to do that anymore .
I don't think I really make people uncomfortable, I'd say sometimes they might need a rest after spending time with me though.
My child attends SLT for 'pragmatic use of language' which is all about taking turns in conversation, showing a interest in what others are talking about, making eye contact while conversing etc.

Being around someone who tells lies is grim. The liar can kind of obtain complicity because most folk are too polite to call them on a lie. Makes my skin crawl sorry.

No idea why the liar I know does it. They have a lovely husband, sweet kid, interesting job, pretty house, are well travelled, clever etc.

I avoid if at all possible.

What kind of lies DandyHighwayman?

Mine have been about silly things like my ethnic background

Stuff like making a fuss about wanting a "do" for a special birthday then cancelling on the day as they were "summoned" by their family but photos of a big night out with a different gang appeared. Or lying about a relative being seriously ill with an obscure condition when a mutual friend had developed and then died from it.

That kind of thing.

Shudder.

Yes, that sounds pretty awful. I don't think I would want to be friends with someone like that.

Mine just make me look stupid.

I just looked at the aspergers traits for adult women and I had most of the traits apart from the communication lists. I had no idea just thought I was a highly sensitive introvert. What should I do? Get a formal diagnosis, would it make any difference to my life?

I said something like, "Oh, we already know each other." He was at pains to point out, "Now, well, not really." I just smiled but I thought to myself oh for heaven's sake, is it that important to be so precise?

He had probably forgotten meeting you before or forgotten your name and so wanted the introduction, rather than insisting on precision or trying to get away from you. You thought he was socially awkward, but perhaps he thought the same of you as in his mind the fact that he allowed the introduction to continue was a sign that he needed a reminder of who you were.

Well, obviously, DoJo. There are as many possible interpretations as there were people present (and a few more besides). I was just saying that I don't find myself particularly socially awkward but I don't think other people are all socially adept either.

It's worth mentioning that the man in question and I are of different nationalities and have different native languages, so there are also cultural issues at play. I've no idea why that example came to mind really

By the way I do find all these answers really helpful and have a mountain of stuff to think about now.

Unsurprisingly, I've been going over and over these ideas in my mind and trying to get a handle on them.

To a great extent it doesn't really 'matter' whether or not I have Aspergers or not, because by my age (40s) I pretty much am what I am and have figured out a reasonably workable way of living by now. Lovely partner and young children all chugging along nicely. But I am always trying to figure out what makes me unhappy and work on it. Hence my experiences with CBT for social anxiety, finding the right medication for depression, etc etc.

The only thing that really makes me wonder about Aspergers is the hyperlexia. AFAIK it's not common and it's very uncommon in NT people. I thought I was just very unusual, we all are in our own ways after all! And the real question would be: if I DO have mild Aspergers, how would that knowledge help me and what exactly could I do to learn skills that would prevent those traits making me unhappy? That's the part I really can't find any info about online, because of the limited info on diagnosis of adult women.

Any thoughts? I would really, really like an answer for the question of why I have a string of jobs I've quit, friendships that have ended badly, etc etc, behind me. I've always thought that I was somehow 'too emotional', 'too [enter any negative adjective you like here], and not known how to deal with it. But finding the tools to make some positive changes would be a Godsend.

I haven't looked for a formal diagnosis.
Where I live, it wouldn't be easy to get nor particularly useful. My dh totally gets me, and knows/understands my little quirks (he has a few of his own!) which helps.
I'm well clued up on Asd (or ASC) now due to having a child with a formal diagnosis.
What I have learnt that has helped me- to go easy on myself first and foremost.
I used to think I was an extrovert that had no problems socialising, I can talk to anyone about anything, but I now know that actually it takes a lot out of me and I need time on my own to relax, potter, clear my mind, otherwise I end up very stressed. Even having to spend prolonged time with my own children can wear me out, I now tell dh that I need a break and then go off and read a book, have a rest for a while.
For me it's less about learning skills and more about looking after my own needs.
You are who you are, you can't change it. I have a few good friends who enjoy my company, I do things I enjoy, there is no need for me to change.

I was depressed/anxious for a huge chunk of my life, it screwed up my career and I really regret it. However I'm doing much better now, I no longer look for all the reasons for why I was unhappy because I think it was more to do with the struggle to fit in the way I thought I should.
Depression and anxiety really do disproportionately affect people with asd, the best way to keep it at bay, for me, is to be kind to myself (I've had lots of therapy too).
If I start to feel anxious, I now talk about it to my dh, just saying it out loud shrinks the anxiety for me, likewise if I feel depression closing in, talking about it helps.
I'm currently retraining and loving it and generally feeling much more positive about the future now I understand myself more.
I should also add that my take on asd/ASC is pretty positive, I have to be like that to a certain extent because I don't want my child to feel everything about asd is negative or a burden. I regularly talk to dc about the positive things with autism (hyperlexia is a feature for us too), all the famous/creative/inventive/focused people with aspergers that have made huge contributions to our lives. We discuss it in terms of 'some things are better/easier and some things are more difficult'.

Very good advice from Galvanised IMO. I would say that as it's very similar to mine

Seriously though latenight being kind to yourself and accepting that you are the way you are is probably the way to go - I know that's probably not what you want to hear..... FWIW I recently clicked on an article about coping with being 'highly sensitive' with baited breath, hoping for some life-changing advice - well the advice was just what Galvanised posts - give yourself time and space when you need it and avoid needlessly difficult situations. Most importantly (for me) - remember that being highly sensitive isn't a bad trait in itself - as most of the world might have you believe - 'over' sensitive?

To offer you some encouragement, it's my recent belief that AS adults continue their social and emotional development to a greater extent than the NT majority - so you can feel hopeful that things will get easier for you. The fact of your self-awareness makes me feel hopeful for you. (I can think of some Asperger people I know who apparently have little awareness and others who reject the idea that they aren't NT, which is a pity IMO as their thinking is very black and white).

I wonder if meditation/mindfulness would help you? (I've just signed up for a six week course - if nothing else I'll be in the company of kindly people for a couple of hours a week)! Hopefully