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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I easily offended?

41 replies

MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 08:53

My friend invited my two DDs and I to hers for the evening. We'd planned to spend the night there and I was taking wine, sweets for my DDs and hers to share, crisps and a cake for pudding. She was cooking chilli for us and the DC had already had their tea.

She called me the day before and I told her I was popping to get wine on the way (she lives about 5 miles away) and she said great etc...we went on to discuss the dc arrangements with the idea they'd all eat before the meeting and then they could go to bed together with snacks and DVDs and my friend and I would eat late.

Then she said "Do yours eat croissants from X bakery?" I said yes and she said "Oh good then can you get a box of 12 and bring those too as mine love croissants and they can all have them for breakfast?"

I thought this quite rude! I'm on a tight budget which she knows...and why couldn't she just offer toast? The bakery she was expecting me to visit is expensive....I thought her wording odd....why would she make it sound as though she has already bought them in??

Thinking back she's often doing similar things....telling me to pick this or that up. And I'm always out of pocket. I don't like to seem rude so tend to just do it but this time I said "Oh no I don't think I'll have time or money for that. I could bring an extra loaf for toast if you need one."

She was miffed. Do people plan this type of thing out or is it just thoughtlessness?

OP posts:
wowfudge · 24/02/2015 08:57

If you are on such a tight budget, how come your DDs eat croissants from this expensive bakery?

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 08:59

Well what a silly and picky question. On rare occasions their Grandma has taken them there for a treat...they sit in with hot chocolate etc.

OP posts:
allypally999 · 24/02/2015 09:03

I think you were already taking more than enough stuff - she sounds like a user - I wonder if you will still be putting up with this in 5 years?

SweetsForMySweet · 24/02/2015 09:04

YANBU. You are bringing enough stuff to hers already, if she wants expensive treats for her dd, she should at least pay something towards it or pick them up herself. Toast will be fine, she's being a bit spoilt to be miffed.

PopTarts · 24/02/2015 09:04

Yes stupid question.

Op, I don't think you are easily offended - your friend sounds rather grabby!

How did this evening pan out in the end? Did you take croissants or bread?

InfinitySeven · 24/02/2015 09:05

If this has actually offended you, then yes, you are both easily offended and being unreasonable.

And I wouldn't have said that her wording made it sound like she'd already bought them - I'd probably have presumed that she was considering getting them and wondering if your children would eat them. It didn't in any way suggest who was paying.

Your reply was out of line, though. You don't have the time or money? That's just rude. You could have said that they are expensive and your kids will be fine with toast instead or that you've got a manic day and won't get chance to go to the bakery, or even that you'd grab croissants from M&S at lunch, but you made yourself sound horrid. Especially as your friend has found the time and money to cook for your and your kids. It's fine to say that you don't want to spend money on that, or you can't, but the way that you phrased it to her was unnecessarily mean and rude.

It's also not unusual for someone to host and "assign" part of the hosting to someone else, so that they don't pay for everything. It generally stops bad feeling, if one person tends to do more hosting or cooks more expensive meals, etc. On the fact of it, she'll supply spag bol and wine and you supply croissants isn't unfair.

InfinitySeven · 24/02/2015 09:06

Ignore me - I misread the top section. If you're already taking a lot, it changes things. I'll report my post Blush

ArcheryAnnie · 24/02/2015 09:07

I think there's a world if difference between "...do you think it would be possible for you to pick up some croissants?" and any wording which expects you to jump to it. The first is fine, the second not.

thecatfromjapan · 24/02/2015 09:07

I think you just have to say you would find it expensive to do that. If she can ask you to do X, you can say 'Sorry, that's beyond my current budget.'
She's not a mind-reader - telepathy doesn't exist - so you have to use words.
In the nicest possible way, you are being daft to be offended. She's suggested one possible option out of many; she thought it would be easy and acceptable. She has no way if knowing it isn't unless you tell her.
Suggest Lidl panettone, or home-made eggy-bread, or just toast.
And I hope you have a lovely time, it sounds like a grown-up sleep-over! Hope it's great.

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:07

Pop I took bread! Grin Seven she wouldn't be considering buying them as she lives 5 miles from town and has no transport easily available. She wasn't going to town.

How is it rude to speak the truth? I didn't have time or money.....I had to catch two buses to get there and the gap between getting the wine and catching the bus was too narrow. What should I have said? That would have been nicer?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 24/02/2015 09:08

Well perhaps she doesn't have money problems so can't really understand it. Maybe she's tight? My dsis would do this,she has no problems sending her dd to private school,shopping only in Waitrose,white company,boden etc but if we're going,we all have to provide everything for lunch etc. Then on her visits they are very greedy polishing off as much as possible. It has caused some bad feeling but because she's family,we just suck it up.
Take the bread,say there was no time & your dc are perfectly happy with toast :)

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:08

Seven I was supplying the wine! And the sweets and pudding! She was supplying chilli.

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 24/02/2015 09:09

Was she miffed though? It sounds to me as though you might be the sort of person who, solely through your own misaligned perception, judges people 'miffed' even when they're not.

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:09

And it's already happened. We've done it. I may be easily offended but I think it was rude to ask. She knows I'm on a tight budget. VERY tight. And I was already bringing wine, snacks and pudding. In addition to paying the fare to get there

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:11

Fart she was miffed. I know her well and she was miffed. She got over it though. She IS good company but this made me realise that when we meet I am ALWAYS out of pocket. Either I have to travel more...or buy more...or pay for more or she's not got something that we need and has to use mine....it's always the same and she earns more than I do.

OP posts:
PopTarts · 24/02/2015 09:12

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all.
You took cake, wine, crisps, sweets. And then bread as well. What did she want, a trolley full of shopping ?

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:14

Pop I think she'd just say thank you if I did turn up with a weeks worth of shpping! I feel bad talking badly of her as she's such fun...but she's one of these people who has NO issue asking all and sundry for favours. Lifts, stuff, their skills...she just asks. I'm maybe too far the other way and won't ask for help...but she just thinks of what she needs and asks people for it!

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 24/02/2015 09:19

If she has no problem asking, you have to learn to have no problem saying "no!", and she has to learn to accept the occasional "no", or you are going to end up very frustrated!
If she asks for stuff a lot, she probably is good at accepting "no" but perhaps not from you, not yet, at least.
She can learn. So can you. It'll be good for you.Smile

ColdCottage · 24/02/2015 09:26

Cheeky woman. 12?!? How many DC does she have.

I'd "forget" them Wink

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2015 09:29

That absolutely does sound like a classic sucker punch line! A bit like the old "fancy a cuppa? Great, there's the kettle, I'll have one too while you're at it"...
Some people use Not Being Offended at whatever nonsense life throws their way as a badge of honour.
Maybe it's less a positive character trait than the sign of being a bit of a pushover??

momb · 24/02/2015 09:34

Honestly, I just thing she didn't think: you were coming from town where the bakery is and had already said you were stopping off on the way to buy wine.
If she'd said 'do your Dcs like the croissants from X bakery' and you'd replied 'yes, but it's a rare treat as they are so expensive' she'd have remembered about your budget (though I presume you don't actually talk about your respective incomes that much) and wouldn't have asked you.
She was caught up in the 'lets have a lovely time' thing and didn't consider the ramifications.
Maybe this is an opportunity to raise the relative budget issue as part of another conversation, especially now this has highlighted the disparity to you. She sounds lovely, just a little oblivious to your situation.

Original poster
MrsTawdry · 24/02/2015 09:37

Flogging that's what it felt like to be honest. You know...when you're taken by surprise. Momb as if I'm going to follow general questions with provisos!

OP posts:
LatinForTelly · 24/02/2015 09:39

I think she was rude. You took plenty. And it's pretty rude of her too to specify the exact bakery you should get croissants from, even if that were all you were taking.

Floggingmolly · 24/02/2015 09:40

If I was in the friend's position; I'd have asked her to pick up the croissants and I'd pay her when she got here.

Relative disposable income wouldn't enter my head, I just think if you want something, you buy it yourself.
It's only acceptable to put something on someone else's tab if you're pre teen and your pocket money won't stretch...

linalool · 24/02/2015 09:42

YANBU. Some people do not seem to realise that when you say you don't have much money you really mean it and that buying extras means you have to go without something else.