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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

party etiquette

26 replies

peacypops · 23/02/2015 18:36

Ok, So I am probably being unreasonable here but thought I would put it to the Mumsnet masses! Recently got an email from a lady (whom I have never met before) inviting me to a surprise party for a close mutual friend. I immediately accepted - all sounded lovely. The original plan was to have gathering in a bar but it ended up too tricky to find somewhere suitable so the lady organising offered to have it in her home. All fine and dandy. A second email follows not long after asking people to transfer x amount £ into her bank account to cover food and drinks cost. Another friend of mine (also invited ) suggested instead that everyone could take something with them but this suggestion was ignored and a further message followed asking for money to be transferred by such and such date. Now AIBU to think that asking people who you don't know for money is a bit impolite? I am all for sharing costs but would it not have been better to just ask people to bring something as a gesture?

OP posts:
BuildYourOwnSnowman · 23/02/2015 18:38

Sounds like a con! No way would I pay. How much does she want?

Koalafications · 23/02/2015 18:40

YANBU

I wouldn't pay to attend a party!

justkeeponsmiling · 23/02/2015 18:40

YANBU. I would find that very odd and it would never occur to me to ask anyone for cash for a party I was organising. Asking to bring food or a bottle is fine but money - just no!

justkeeponsmiling · 23/02/2015 18:41

Just out of interest, how much is she asking for?

AlmaMartyr · 23/02/2015 18:41

YANBU, that's a bit odd. I'm used to (and quite happy to) taking along food for a party but would expect this kind of arrangement to be agreed upon by everyone not just sprung on me.

Original poster
peacypops · 23/02/2015 18:42

It's definitely not a con in that the party is happening at her house etc. And she isn't asking for a huge amount. I just think it's not really the done thing to ask directly for money

OP posts:
SweetValentine · 23/02/2015 18:43

Hmm i say yabu if it is a small amount

Nolim · 23/02/2015 18:44

I would let her know that i will be bringing food and wine or whatever.

Jackieharris · 23/02/2015 18:46

You host you pay.

It's polite for guests to bring drinks/desserts/extras.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 23/02/2015 18:49

I've been invited to parties where one person has offered to host but its a group thing as it was kind of her. So we all put some money in as she wanted to order on stuff which was fine as I spent less than I would have done if I'd made something myself.

Difference being she didn't push for money - most paid on the night - and I know her well

Bowlersarm · 23/02/2015 18:50

I don't agree that that host should pay. She's accommodating everyone as a suitable venue can't be found. Very good of her.

I wouldn't mind paying her, unless it's an unreasonably large amount.

Unmissable · 23/02/2015 18:52

I don't necessarily agree with you host, you pay. If the original plan to have this party in a pub had gone ahead, presumably the costs would have been split.

I agree it's unusual and it's not nice if she's being pushy, but if the amount asked is reasonable, I'd probably be glad she's doing all the work and happy that I don't have to bring something TBH.

I don't blame her for wanting the money upfront, if you don't there's always some who never pay, whatever the occasion/event.

Haggisfish · 23/02/2015 18:52

Personally I'd rather give a fiver or tenner and not take anything along.

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 18:57

I think what she's doing is fine. There's no reason for her to pay for catering in these circumstances. If she was giving the party rather than allowing it to take place in her home it might be different, but she's going to incur plenty of extra work (and probably expense, regardless of what she charges) and she shouldn't be out of pocket as well.

Bowlersarm · 23/02/2015 18:58

Me too Haggis.

I think what she's doing is fine.

Dancingwitch · 23/02/2015 19:03

YABU
I don't necessarily agree with "you host, you pay" as it may be that one person has the biggest or most central house or doesn't have children or has children that means that person always hosts and is then out of pocket. One of my friends is a single mum so, if we just have a girls night, we tend to go to hers as we can leave our DP/DH at home with our DC and she can't. We quickly realise it was unfair on her to pay to feed six of us all of the time. I also don't mind paying in advance as, if you're relying on people to bring different things, you have a problem if someone doesn't turn up or is delayed or simply forgets.
Years ago, a part of a friends' hen do was at my house (a couple of hours between the end of the afternoon activity and drinks/dinner in the evening) and everyone contributed £5. I had previously been to hen dos where we had paid in advance for a series of things and known that part of the cost had been brunch the following morning at someone's house or pre-dinner drinks at someone else's. Usually, it is an attempt to keep costs down so I have never minded.

Original poster
peacypops · 23/02/2015 19:06

Ahh fair enough - seems like it is quite acceptable. I think it's the asking people you don't know to pay money into your bank that I found a bit odd. Like I said I (and other friends) would happily take nibbles with us so it's not that I object to contributing!

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 19:09

It may be more convenient or suitable for her to get a catering company in though, they will supply tables and linens and take things away afterwards. That may suit her better than trying to reunite people with their dishes next week...

Original poster
peacypops · 23/02/2015 19:14

No it's not a big party - just an afternoon gathering - nibbles, cakes etc for a handful of people. Most of us will drive there I imagine, so won't be boozing

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 23/02/2015 19:17

But would your mutual friend know you'd all contributed or would he think the host had paid for everything?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2015 19:23

Yanbu that is rude. Yes if you host, you do pay or don't host.

gobbynorthernbird · 23/02/2015 19:25

peacy, the problem with taking your own is that the host doesn't know that there will be enough X, Y, or Z, or you end up with 74 packets of A and no B.

OnlyLovers · 23/02/2015 19:28

Asking for a contribution is not U per se (I think Dancing makes a good point about the most convenient house not necessarily being one that can afford to host the easiest, and not taking someone's hospitality for granted all the time), but I do think that when she originally offered to have the party at home THAT was the time to bring up costs.

I don't know how the conversation went, but IMO it should have gone along the lines of 'I'm happy to offer my place as a venue as the bar didn't work out; I'll make some food/organise caterers and work out approx how much it'll cost –should be manageable between us all.'

Asking out of the blue, and after the arrangement was made, which is how it sounds in this case, seems weird to me.

GingerLDN · 23/02/2015 19:30

I think it's fine, probably more convenient than taking something. Keeps it fair and you're not having to make the effort. It's easier if she doesn't know you all to do something like this than try to organise what everyone is to bring etc. it also seems she's hosting this for everyone's convenience than she just wants to play hostess. I think it's only fair. It'd mount up to a lot on her own.

honeyroar · 23/02/2015 19:45

It's a bit tacky IMO. How was it worded? If she had said "if everyone chips in I will hold it at home" then yes. IMO everyone should have offered to chip in so it would never have come to this.

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