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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let DD have a morning off school to go to toddler group with her siblings?

51 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/02/2015 17:58

DD is 7 and her father and I are separated. He hates my partner (of 6 years) and does his best to make DD feel excluded from our family by saying DP loves her siblings but not her etc. She has returned from tea with him really glum because he's been saying similar nasty things about how her siblings are more important to me because they are DPs.

Her siblings go to toddler group tomorrow and her sister always tells her all about it, makes her pictures and so on. DD has said many times how she wishes she could go with her just once to play with her and see what it's like. She has never asked for a day off school and loves school but would absolutely love it if I said she could come just once and I think it'd really help her feel more included.

Aibu to let her have the morning off to come along?

OP posts:

coolaschmoola · 23/02/2015 18:46

I wouldn't for all of the reasons given above.

Instead I'd arrange a regular, special Mummy and Me outing, just you and her, to show her how special she is - and alternate it with your dp so she knows he thinks she is pretty awesome too.

Toddler group won't make her feel special, because her siblings get to go every week. Doing something that is just you and her / dp and her will show her how important she clearly is to you.

And yy to the contact centre for ex - he's abusing your dd. The absolute best solution would be to stop that.

BikeRunSki · 23/02/2015 18:49

I'd let her go - just once - to make her feel included, nurturing, mental health etc. But I'd also address her father's relationship with her.

ReginaBlitz · 23/02/2015 18:55

Seriously? She won't be allowed into playgroup anyway. Sort her dad out that's emotional abuse and should have been the issue in your question not whether or not she should go to a toddler group.

ConcreteElephant · 23/02/2015 18:56

I'm with others sounding a warning note that at 7 she may not be able to attend the toddler group for insurance reasons. We couldn't take children once they turned 5 at ours. And she needs to go to school really.

Her Dad sounds like a pig and that needs dealing with. Special time with you and also with your DP and her siblings are what she needs to feel secure and included, lots of reassurance that her Father is not telling the truth. Try to find another fun place where DD could play with her sibling, instead of toddler group.

ragged · 23/02/2015 19:00

the sort of toddler group that would ban well-behaved older children is the sort I quite loathed.

LittleBairn · 23/02/2015 19:09

YABU its not a good enough reason to miss school.
You need to sort out the issue with her father, one trip to the playgroup isn't going to sort it out.
I would be suprised if the playgroup would even allow her to attend most are usually 5 and under only. If you decide to do it I would call ahead to make sure your DD isn't left feeling disappointed and even more left out.

LittleBairn · 23/02/2015 19:11

ragged the problem is many people claim their kids are well behaved when they are not. Or they are but they are a lot more rambunctious than the 1-4 year olds that most attend the group.

ragged · 23/02/2015 19:14

Kids chucked out for rambunctiousness I totally get.

A few times I ended up bringing school age kids (usually recovering from tummy bugs, not contagious but still wiped out) to my fave group. My older ones were brill, helping out & loving the little kid stuff to do.

I shudder at those groups with "Your child is your responsibility" signs everywhere and strict rules how everything has to happen.

ApocalypseThen · 23/02/2015 19:29

I suppose whether it's reasonable hinges on what you expect the end result to be. She may enjoy the morning but you must believe it will have a more lasting effect? I can see that you want to make her father's nastiness up to her, but do you think that one morning with much younger children will achieve that?

ConcreteElephant · 23/02/2015 19:32

Ragged, it wasn't our choice to 'ban' older children, the terms of our liability insurance dictated the upper age limit.

It is annoying as several families have slightly older YR and Y1 children who might enjoy coming and would be welcome in school holiday time but they aren't allowed - that means the group doesn't run all year as we wouldn't have the numbers.

DeeWe · 23/02/2015 19:36

You'd have irritated any toddler groups I went to. Because the assumption would be that she was ill, so you've brought your ill dc into toddler group. And actually as a general rule, the 4yos are getting a bit big for the stuff often, so a 7yo would not be safe/safe doing it with smaller ones.

I would tell her, as I've told my dd1, that she got your individual attention for toddler groups, and you went to stuff just for her, whereas your younger ones have to come and pick her up from school/activities and trail round after her at times.

SweetValentine · 23/02/2015 19:45

whothehellknows has a great suggestion of combining the toftoddler group with a dentisy/doctors appointment

Fairenuff · 23/02/2015 20:10

It's not a great idea Sweet because the dd is likely to talk about it at school and staff will know that mum took her to the toddler group when she should have been in school.

I work with children of this age and they can't keep secrets like that, it just pops out. Sometimes they even say things like 'I'm not allowed to tell you that we went to toddler group, I've got to just say it was the dentist' (or whatever).

Parents might not be spoken to about it but it would go in the welfare book as the adult is taking child out of school and telling child to lie about it.

DavidTennantsBeard · 23/02/2015 20:26

No,it's not a good idea! Suggest you take her and the younger sibs to a joint activity on a weekend or school holiday instead. A pottery cafe would be a great idea where they could all make something together like a plate with all their handprints on, to show that all of them are your DC.

littlejohnnydory · 23/02/2015 20:28

I'd do it. So what if it goes down as unauthorised absence, you won't be fined for one morning (mind you, I live in Wales where term time holidays are still usually authorised)...much more beneficial to her overall wellbeing than a morning at school. She's old enough to understand it's a one off. The only place I've ever not been allowed to take my home educated children along to play with my toddler was the Children's Centres in England.

SavoyCabbage · 23/02/2015 20:31

I don't think it's a good idea as there is the possibility that she is going to feel worse next week when you all go to toddler group.

georgeousgeorge · 23/02/2015 20:34

there is a problem with taking her which is that she will feel even more excluded than she does already when you "exclude" her next week and the week after.....

on morning at toddler group isn't the issue here, its making her feel loved and wanted which a trip to the cinema with just you and her would do far more to solve...

SuburbanRhonda · 23/02/2015 20:43

This shouldn't be a "should I take my child out of school for a morning?" thread. They always, always go the same way.

This should be a "how do I stop my child's dad emotionally abusing her and build up her self-esteem?"

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 23/02/2015 20:45

Unless you really do set up a dentist appt immediately after toddler group...

But what are you going to do about her dad?

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 23/02/2015 20:47

Your daughter might say she wishes she could go to toddler group, but would she really enjoy it? There wouldn't be much there for her to do and would something centred entirely round her younger siblings and not her really make her feel more included and loved?

Your ex is behaving horribly. I really hope you find a way to deal with it and help your dd.

Tangerineandturquoise · 23/02/2015 21:06

One trip to toddlers wont make her feel more included in your family.
Her father is a div-and I agree about seeing a solicitor about her father's behaviour, and maybe chatting to a Home School Link Worker if your school has one, so that she can maybe get a boost in self esteem at school.

What do you all do together as a family-could you work with her on putting together a collage of family pictures of all of you that is clearly visible to her daily?
Is there something regular and special that you can all do as a family. Movie Night or a special family date night?
One off cheer her up things wont work- because the damage being done can't just be sorted by a trip to toddlers, and that isn't how contact should be managed, if you are having to rebuild her self esteem after each visit I would echo what others have said about looking at new contact arrangements.
Making her feel like she is special and very much a person with a family with siblings parents and parents partners is what she needs, not fire fighting after she has spent time with a parent.

oldcroneat39 · 23/02/2015 22:30

Please do what you can to get her horrid Dad to Stfu. Has he NO interest in her?

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/02/2015 22:35

No, that's ridiculous, and just a sticking plaster solution rather than dealing with the real issue (your ex's behaviour)

carbolicsoaprocked · 23/02/2015 22:41

I don't think an hour or so at toddler group will go anywhere near fixing this either. You need to tackle the problem with the father first so no more damage is done. Family mediation? whothehellknows's suggestions of sibling bonding activities is great, but can you also arrange special bonding time/activities for you and her? I'm the youngest in a stepfamily and I know this was important to my eldest sibling. Wishing you the best of luck.

Permanentlyexhausted · 23/02/2015 23:10

Your DD doesn't wish she could go to toddler group just once. She wishes she could be just like her younger siblings because she thinks she's missing out on something However, for obvious reasons, she can't be just like her younger siblings.

I'd suggest that you arrange for some family trips with all of you, some special trips with just you and her, and definitely some special trips with just her and her stepfather that only big girls can do - bowling, ice-skating, etc - something to show that she is so important to him that he'd leave the other children behind to spend time with just her.

And you need to tackle her father's behavior as that is out of order.

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