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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is it hormones?

26 replies

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 17:19

I'm in early pregnancy and had my booking appointment a couple of days ago. I have been feeling a bit gross anyway, only wanting sugary things, but I had put much more weight on than I had realised (not massively noticeable physically but heading in a bad direction and of course shall be addressing the issue.) Does not help I both quit smoking and was made redundant recently, overall not feeling great about myself (I'm not depressed, just feeling a bit sorry for myself!).

On a side note, my partner said he would sleep in another room that evening, as he had blocked sinuses and the snoring was horrific. I really appreciated it, pregnancy dreams means I don't sleep as well anyway. The following night he offered again, I said 'yes please, just one more night', to which he replied 'oh good, another wank on the couch for me!'. I laughed and said 'you didn't?' and he admitted he did, watching porn.

Suffice to say, I was angry. I had spent the last couple of days feeling rubbish about myself and he thought it would be 'funny' to admit that. He then said 'oh, I'm sorry I told you'. I gave myself the whole of yesterday to calm down (I'm stupidly emotional at the moment, didn't want to start yelling and/or crying), but today it all blew up. He's just yelled at me that its not fair I'm still angry. Fair enough, however I was hoping for an actual apology e.g 'I'm sorry I did it, it was really inconsiderate to how you were feeling'. Instead he sarcastically said he was sorry for knocking one out.

Now I know that reads like I'm a bit crazy, I don't usually care about these things. However, to tell me he did it, watching porn, like it was funny, when I was feeling so crummy was hurtful. He has actually said 'sorry I did it', but only after shouting at me for being still angry about it. Just feels like an empty apology. AIBU? We'll get over it, but at the moment, I just can't stop feeling hurt.

OP posts:

OhMjh · 23/02/2015 17:30

AYBU for feeling like crap? No, of course not. Men will never understand how draining pregnancy is or how much it takes it's toll on us both physically and emotionally. Him throwing he watched porn ( not the porn itself being an issue) at you is ridiculous, and if he offered to sleep on the sofa, then he shouldn't be making it an issue. Yes, it's probably all feeling 10 times worse because of your pregnancy, but I'd be annoyed too at it being used as a guilt trip.

Lots of hugs your way

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 17:36

No it doesn't bother me usually, in fact when I'm feeling physically rotten (period for example), I know that he goes off and does his 'own thing'. But physically I feel OK, of course emotionally I now feel like shit. It was like a confirmation that my body is starting to look like crap and he can have a better time by himself. Of course, he denied it, but why tell me in the first place? He was right in saying he shouldn't have opened his mouth, but talk about shit damage control....

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captainfarrell · 23/02/2015 18:32

Men! I'm sorry to admit i did laugh when i read what he said and i think you might too when your'e feeling better. It's horrible when you're feeling rubbish to think he's been getting turned on by porn! However, the fact that he told you so openly shows his honesty. He will never know how you feel right now and thinks he is a hero fro offering to sleep on the sofa!
Try not to take it to heart. Hope you feel ' glowing' soon.

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 19:05

I've laughed already (not with him, obviously). I think the whole thing is silly really, however he has form for doing/saying inconsiderate things. Really wish he could attatch his bloody mouth to his brain, it would save a lot of arguments! He doesn't mean to be...well mean, but he often says something personal in a jokey way that turns out to be really hurtful or offensive. He actually made a friend of mine cry a few months back by inappropriately joking about their depression. It's hard work dealing with it, and then he doesn't understand why I gets so angry. Bloody men, grumble grumble.

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captainfarrell · 23/02/2015 19:52

Oh dear, hope his more lovely personality traits outweigh the less endearing ones!! No one's perfect i guess (apart from pregnant wives of course.) Good luck with it all.

Purplepoodle · 23/02/2015 20:05

In early pregnacy I'd been more than happy for oh to bugger off and sort himself out instead of pestering me. He made a joke, you asked, he answered the question. If you didn't want to know the answer, don't ask the question.

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 20:06

They do, mostly. He's funny, hard working and 99% generally lovely. But then he will do something seriously inconsiderate and makes me or someone close to use feel a bit shit without any awareness, it gets very frustrating.

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Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 20:15

Poodle, he wasn't joking in the first place, I just thought he was. And I'm not off sex, in fact it would be nice to feel wanted. If he wanted it, he should have said so. It's not even sorting himself out that is the worst part, using porn then making the lame excuse of 'no man can get off without some porn anyway'.

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CalicoBlue · 23/02/2015 20:22

I would not worry about it, your are not being unreasonable, but a bit of an overreaction.

I am sure DH watches porn in his study, fine with me.

Cutleryhands · 23/02/2015 20:27

I never understand this sort of thing. He did not think before he spoke but is this really worth an argument ?

The fact he said it at all makes me think that pregnancy aside this would not normally matter. So, slightly insensitive maybe but he is like me - a man. Forgive him please.

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 20:30

Possibly, I know my partner watches porn and don't have an issue with it. Like I said in my OP, I'm feeling crap about my appearance, my self esteem is pretty low. Its his inability to keep things like that to himself that gets to me. He would have announced it to our group of friends if we had been out and not thought about it. It's what I mean by brain not connected to mouth.

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Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 20:33

Cutleryhands, so what I'm meant to take from that is, he's a man so being an inconsiderate arse is ok, whatever the situation? I can accept over reacting but don't tell me that constant ignorance and rudeness can be excused by the presence of a penis

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NeedABumChange · 23/02/2015 20:34

Sorry but YABU. People in relationships are allowed to masturbate. It's different to sex and separate from you.

NeedABumChange · 23/02/2015 20:35

I don't even get with what's wrong with him telling you he wanked?? Do you think it's shameful or something not to be mentioned?

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 20:40

Ok, obviously not making myself clear. I have no issue with it or porn. I have an issue with supposidly supportive partner not wanting to be intimate with me, and announcing he's had a wank when I feel unattractive. Obviously I'm unreasonable for feeling this way and should not have expected an apology for his insensitivity. He's a man, obviously his needs come first.

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Cutleryhands · 23/02/2015 20:51

Slghtly insensitive , inconsiderate arse, mountain out of a molehill. Forget it......

Cutleryhands · 23/02/2015 20:54

And not wanting to be intimate is very different from sleeping in another room to let you have a nights sleep because of his snoring.

Even if it did mean he got one in the bank.....

Babiecakes11 · 23/02/2015 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 21:57

I appreciate that Babiecakes, and I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. But having 'him time' isn't the issue. In very basic terms I was feeling bad about myself, was looking for reassurance, got a very juvenile and insensitive response. I'm upset that he thought it was appropriate to tell me about it, then not understand why it was not the best time to tell me about what porn he had been enjoying, hence further lowering my esteem about how I feel about my physical appearance at the moment. He made me feel like he would rather porn than me, and hasn't done anything to make me feel better since. Anyway, I get that I've rambled in this thread and my actual point isn't clear.

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WONAR · 23/02/2015 23:15

You are and you aren't.

As PPs have said he is entitled to masturbate, but the way he told you was a bit thoughtless and hurtful, which I think has been made a lot worse by your pregnancy hormones.

As for yelling at you for being angry... WTF?!

PiranhaBrothers · 23/02/2015 23:28

Have you actually told him that you feel unattractive? I mean really sat down and had that conversation because, if not, then he will probably be totally oblivious to how you are feeling about yourself.

A few muttered 'god I'm getting fat' probably won't have figured on his radar. Not meaning to be sexist but a lot of men don't 'do subtle'.

Take the initiative and seduce him, honking sinuses and everything - I bet he'll fecking love it

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 23:29

WONAR, thanks, I do get the feeling I overreacted as I'm feeling tetchy at the moment, hence why I took yesterday not to say much, I'm liable to cry at anything .

It's the second time he snapped at me this weekend. Before wank-gate, he got angry because I asked why he wasn't bothering with his mum on mother's day (there is no huge issue with her, and he does father's day). I did apologise that time, it's none of my business at the end of the day which parent he bothers more with. He didn't appreciate two 'arguments' within a couple of days I guess.

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Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 23:36

Pirahna, I have. He kept telling me I was being silly, I haven't put any weight on (apparently that 5 extra kilos was just the air around me!) and I'm beautiful. All lovely to hear, but kind of more hurtful when he did what he did. I'm sure we'll 'make up' soon enough, but a part of me wants to tell him, his sofa and laptop to get comfortable for the next few months (I won't, I'm not that hormonal....yet )

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PiranhaBrothers · 23/02/2015 23:40

Tell him to get his arse back in your bed, jump his bones and then put your earplugs in so you can't hear the snoring!

Seriously, no good will come (pardon the pun) of him kipping on the sofa. That's no way to maintain a relationship.

Original poster

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 23/02/2015 23:50

Oh sorry, I'm not making him stay on the sofa! He's just sulking on it at the moment. As for jumping him tonight, it may have to wait. I've come out the bath and having some strange cramps. I'm going to try and sleep it off, but thanks guys. Tomorrow is another day, I'm going for a walk to clear my head and then may Mr Accidentally Rude may be in better books.

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