to not cope with my 2year old girl!

[Mummywithlove]

right my daughter was born at 28weeks and i have NO bond what so ever, i dont see her as my daughter i feel as if im just babysitting her, thats the truth! so after 2 years ive finally got the balls to say enoughs enough! ive just told my husband for the first time that i can NOT cope with her! all she does is fucking scream for NO reason, i husband is a complete mard with her, if she bite anyone he wont tell her off (becasue he think shes to fragile and wouldnt understand) but if my 3year old son was to bite someone well he goes mad!!! ive told my so called husband(the person thats support to support me thought thick and thin) about how i feel and he basically said well i think its time u fuck off then and. in not is so many words called me a horrible mother to her! i have 3 children and im 20years old, i have no family or friends, weve just moved into the middle of no where (i thought it would get better when we moved but it hasnt its got harder ), because she was prem my so call husband he thinks its right NOT to tell her off and only play with her not her brother's, ,,,,when i walk into the same room as her she screams, even if i leave the room to go to the loo she screams, and when she does this my dh says to ME "what have you done to her, she wouldnt scream like that if i haven't done anything "my husband says i should play with her more, when i do my dh will sit on the floor watching me TRY to play with her and she will just run off to DADDY, so i will get up and walk off and play with my son! and then i say why do i even fucking bother,! BEFORE anyone says stop having kids, i am NOT having anymore thats sorted that !!! whats really upsets me the most is when my son hurts himself he doesnt want his dad (but normally when a boy hurts himself they want there dad) if my son did hurt himself and his dad went to him to see whats up he will push his dad away till i go and see him?! and i put that down to his dads fault becasue he gets pushed away! !! ive told him now and now he isn't speaking to me! i cant do it any more! its getting that bad i dont want to talk to my daughter i dont want to see her i cant stand the sight of her i hate the sound of the petty cry i just cant stand her anymore! theres just NOTHING THERE i feel really bad and evil ! judge me dont judge me do what u care but i cant do it anymore! just so u no im crying whilst i am righting this! i thought my husband would understand but yeah does he fuck! why did i marry him? why did i move with him! what have i done to deserve all this shit! i have no FAMILY because they didnt like him so i chosen him over them! but all i get is you hate our beautiful baby girl! she had a hard start in life and this is how u repay her! !!! i would understand he saying this if ive hit her or hurt her but i haven't i would never ever hurt a child! sorry for the long moan but i just feel like im the only one thats hasnt got the bottle to tell people how i feel or even ask for help!! many thanks and sorry x

It's a tricky one as it sounds as if your husband is the problem not the children.

Many of us don't feel an instant bond and screaming toddlers try anybody's patience. I haven't properly bonded with my DD yet; I am only, ten months in, starting to feel like I love her. They don't do much when they're small :)

She is crying now so I'll type more later but keep your chin up. X

it sounds like you have a nasty combination of post natal depression and a dickhead OH. your first step is to ring your GP, health visitor, local children's centre, mum, somebody you can trust and tell them exactly what you've written here - show them the thread if you can't say it out loud.

I think you need to go to your GP and try and get some help. You haven't bonded with your daughter and you sound like you are really struggling. Do you get much break away? Can you get some childcare?

Have you had any treatment for post-natal depression? You obviously had a traumatic experience with her being so early and it's completely understandable that you would have PND and trouble bonding.

FWIW I had my DD at 29, only one, born full term and I didn't fully bond with her until she was 6 or 7 months and that was after HV/GP referral for anti depressants and counselling. She is 10 now and we're incredibly close.

You can turn this around but you really need some support. Do you have a sympathetic health visitor you could chat to, or ask to speak to a family outreach worker at your local Surestart Centre. They can offer all sorts of help, including parenting classes which might also benefit your DH as he has such a distant relationship with your sons.

I know the thought of going somewhere like that might seem a bit intimidating but if you have a centre like the one I work at near you you will get lots of non-judgmental help and support with how you are feeling and practical ways to deal with things - you may also find they have someone who specialises in working with younger parents.

How old is your other DS?

Childcare is a good point - you may well qualify for a funded place for your DD at a local Surestart nursery which would give you a break and a chance to get some help.

Agree with other posters. You are overwelmed. Please talk to a gp or hv. And your dhs comments sound insensitive, does he appreciate how hard it is to parent 2 dc?

Quite a bit to unpick there. Your husband is being a dick by suggesting that as your daughter was prem she should get special treatment. If she is in good health now then she should be treated the same as other children. I agree with others though, the first thing you should do is speak to a health visitor or your GP about how you are feeling towards your daughter. You do need help sorting out why you feel like you do and how you can move to a closer bond with her. It is very important that you deal with this now so that you can both have the best life together possible.

I really, really feel for you. It sounds as if you're under so pressure and it's been going on a while. It's positive that you've been able to talk about it here and starting asking for help. I would just encourage you to take the advice that's given because you are not the first person to feel this way and others will help. Focus on taking little steps to improve the situation and believing that things can get better. If your DP is saying things that make you feel worse, try to calmly tell him how it makes you feel and why you're not going to engage with his comments, and then just leave it. You haven't got the energy to be sucked into that. If there are any opportunities for having half an hour or an afternoon to yourself, grab them with both hands. Don't be slow to phone Crysis. If you have the chance to take your daughter out on her own, take that too.

my dh says to ME "what have you done to her, she wouldnt scream like that if i haven't done anything"

Riiiiiiight. Because that is how toddlers behave, correct?

i have told one friend about how i feel as she when thought it with her child . she completely understands me but we have now moved 30 odd miles away from her so now i have no 1! and i mean NO1! i dont get out much! i used to but i havent got the confidence to talk face to face with people and i DONT have the confidence to ask for help! another thing is that my son is 3 really soon and i want him to go to school and meet people and have friends (so hes not like me) but DH says he doesnt need to go to school till hes 5 and plus i dont want him to go cuz of his sister because if he gets ill she'll get it and be really poorly (even if someone gets a cold and she gets its she get really bad and it all goes to her chest!!!! but she needs to get ill so her immune system gets stronger) so all becasue of her and her dad my son has to do with out! even with toys and book and whateven his SO CALLED DAD will take them away so she doesnt trip over or she doesnt HIT HERSELF with them! i and starting to feel like im going to pack mine and my 2 boys cloths and run and dont look back!

If i was you i would be tempted to show your Dh how you are actually feeling. As i know sometimes its so hard to actually put it into words.

make an appointment with your doctor. when you get in, show them this - either printed out or on your phone. or email/text/whatsapp your mum, sister, friend a link to here. you don't have to say anything yet, you've done brilliantly to reach out to us, let us help you take the next step

just for the record my 1st child is 3 soon my daughert is 2 and my other son is 10 weeks told? !! 10WEEKS OLD. and i havent had time to myself in 3 whole years! i couldnt wish for better sons there incredible! ! there my world!

Can you drag him to the hv so that the hv can comment on his concerns regarding germs at school, the hazards of books on the floor and all those dangerous things that are only dangerous in his mind?

It is one thing to be a concerned parent but this is another level. Of he doesnt listen to you he may listen to a profesional third party (hv).

the reason i wont ask for help is because im SCARED im scared that they will tell social services and they would take my babies away! i love my kids to much and it would KILL me if they got taken! i had social service all thought my childhood and i no there there to help but when people say (husband! my dad my mum say)dont ever tell them nothing they will take your children away! i dont want social service involved beause then my dh will think even worse of me! ive always been the quite one and ignorant one but ..! i dont no. x

Can some one in this forum recomend some charity or organization or something that op can call annonimously to get support?

Sorry i dont know

some of the things the op has said make me think women's aid, actually... do MIND deal with pnd?

nothing you've said suggests social services need to be involved at all op (I work in a field where I occasionally have to contact them).

I think you should go to the GP or to whatever parenting help there might be in your area and tell them what is going on.

I don't think it's fair to your 2 year old to discuss her in those terms - it sounds as if you don't have any sort of loving relationship with her and that is damaging to her.

You also sound at the end of your tether and need to sort yourself out for the sake of all your kids.

Forget your husband, that takes your attention away from your kids. Focus on yourself and how you can be the best mum possible.

Prioritise.

It'll look better if you go to SS for help than if someone calls them to report you.

SS will do the best for your kids. You should be working with whatever agencies are out there to ensure the best outcomes for them.

Social services won't get involved just because you ask the GP for help!

That's doing the right thing! so you've struggled to bond, you recognize that and are working on it. I would advise you to research this on the internet, order some relevant books from the library, read them and take it slowly from there.

Some areas offer a family support worker to help those who are struggling. Would you consider this? It might be worth considering counselling/family therapy as well. While this is getting orgnanised, you can always call the Samaritans if you feel low.

I'm sure there must be groups out there for those whove had premature babies, or have a look on here, others may have experienced similar.

I know you've said you are estranged from family, but they may be willing to reconcile now that time has passed, although only do this if you feel they would be supportive to you.

Good luck.

I dont think that you will get refered to ss just for asking for well deserved help! You are not endangering your dc. On the contrary you are trying to be a happier and healthier person and mum.

Op you have 3 dc under 4 and one of them a tiny baby. Of course you are stressed up to your eyeballs! You definitely need some help. Please take to your health visitor or ring home start and get someone to give you a hand. A close family member of mine is a social worker and there is no way they would refer you to social services. You just need some proper help!!

With your baby being so young you may well have pnd. Please make an appointment with your gp and tell them how you feel. I know you don't want to seek help and I understand that but in this instance you owe it to yourself and your kids to get some help. I had horrendous pnd after the birth of my dd twelve years ago to the point I went back to work when she was 6 weeks old just to get away from her. I had no bond at all. I left her with my mum as often as I couldn't and ended up near suicidal. With hindsight I was with a terribly unsupportive partner and I needed help. I saw my gp and went on a very high dose of anti depressants and ended up leaving my dds dad when she was 6 months old. I made a full recovery and went on to remarry and have another child and have had no pnd this time at all (I am now 34, dd is 12 and ds is now 2.8).

You have coped with so much. It must have been truly awful coping with your dd being born so early and i'm wondering if you pushing her away emotionally is partly because it's easier to deal with what's happened to not feel so engaged?

With some support you can work through this but your dh needs to treat the kids the same. If he can't do that then you really are better off without him. Don't let him bully you about. I also picked up on several things in your post that seem to suggest both you and your dh view girls and boys as very different - at this age they aren't. They are just children and all young children need to be treated the same regardless of their sex.

Op you can come through this, you're still so young and ten years from now when you're 30 and your kids are so much older things will seem like a distant nightmare. That's how my time with dd seems now looking back. We have a great bond now. It's possible to grow a bond. It doesn't have to be there straight from birth.

thank u all for your post thanks for not judging me! im going to tell the gp! i cant put my kids through the life i had! thanks again x