to not cope with my 2year old girl!

[Mummywithlove]

right my daughter was born at 28weeks and i have NO bond what so ever, i dont see her as my daughter i feel as if im just babysitting her, thats the truth! so after 2 years ive finally got the balls to say enoughs enough! ive just told my husband for the first time that i can NOT cope with her! all she does is fucking scream for NO reason, i husband is a complete mard with her, if she bite anyone he wont tell her off (becasue he think shes to fragile and wouldnt understand) but if my 3year old son was to bite someone well he goes mad!!! ive told my so called husband(the person thats support to support me thought thick and thin) about how i feel and he basically said well i think its time u fuck off then and. in not is so many words called me a horrible mother to her! i have 3 children and im 20years old, i have no family or friends, weve just moved into the middle of no where (i thought it would get better when we moved but it hasnt its got harder ), because she was prem my so call husband he thinks its right NOT to tell her off and only play with her not her brother's, ,,,,when i walk into the same room as her she screams, even if i leave the room to go to the loo she screams, and when she does this my dh says to ME "what have you done to her, she wouldnt scream like that if i haven't done anything "my husband says i should play with her more, when i do my dh will sit on the floor watching me TRY to play with her and she will just run off to DADDY, so i will get up and walk off and play with my son! and then i say why do i even fucking bother,! BEFORE anyone says stop having kids, i am NOT having anymore thats sorted that !!! whats really upsets me the most is when my son hurts himself he doesnt want his dad (but normally when a boy hurts himself they want there dad) if my son did hurt himself and his dad went to him to see whats up he will push his dad away till i go and see him?! and i put that down to his dads fault becasue he gets pushed away! !! ive told him now and now he isn't speaking to me! i cant do it any more! its getting that bad i dont want to talk to my daughter i dont want to see her i cant stand the sight of her i hate the sound of the petty cry i just cant stand her anymore! theres just NOTHING THERE i feel really bad and evil ! judge me dont judge me do what u care but i cant do it anymore! just so u no im crying whilst i am righting this! i thought my husband would understand but yeah does he fuck! why did i marry him? why did i move with him! what have i done to deserve all this shit! i have no FAMILY because they didnt like him so i chosen him over them! but all i get is you hate our beautiful baby girl! she had a hard start in life and this is how u repay her! !!! i would understand he saying this if ive hit her or hurt her but i haven't i would never ever hurt a child! sorry for the long moan but i just feel like im the only one thats hasnt got the bottle to tell people how i feel or even ask for help!! many thanks and sorry x

You have an awful lot on your plate. You are going to have to speak to your HV, you can't go on like this. They will not take your children away, you are not harming them, you are trying to get help. You can get it off your chest on here but I really think you need some help to calm you down. See your GP or HV.
Your DD is acting up because she is in a very tense atmosphere, you need to get yourself help so that you can be calm. You 3 yr old should be getting a few hours child care to help you have more time for the others, it will do him good and you good. Hopefully he won't bring too many illnesses back home.

You must ask for help. You must get an occassional break.

OP two year olds are the hardest age IME to cope with. Add onto this the fact that you have a new baby, a difficult dh, and you haven't bonded with your dd then it is totally understandable that you are struggling.

Your health visitor and GP are there to help you. They don't want to take healthy babies off loving parents who are finding things difficult. They want to help families to cope. But they can only help if you ask for help.

You have a very specific problem - one child out of three, with whom you are struggling. That proves that you are not a bad mum - there was something difficult about your dd's birth - that she was so prem - that has made your relationship difficult. But it can be fixed, if you ask for help.

FWIW a close friend had a similar problem with her dd, but just tried to muddle through. That dd was much more challenging as a teenager, though now is a lovely adult - they all survived and got there in the end. However, I am sure those teenage years would have been much easier if they had sorted it all out when her dd was little.

Kids are very resilient. If you can get the help you need, from those who are there to help you, then she won't know a thing about it, and you will look back on all of this as a distant memory one day.

Best of luck

x-post. So glad that you are going to speak with your gp

www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/

contact them. They will help. They made so much difference to my friend with pnd.

Some reasons why toddlers might be freaking out.

If you are in Scotland you could call Parentline.

It sounds like you are under a huge amount of pressure and probably have pnd. Your husband isn't helping, but he may be genuinely concerned about your dd and overcompensating.

Your post is very worrying - for you and her. I think it's great that you will go to the gp for support, but in the meantime please just go through the motions for your dd sake. She needs you and she will not be able to tell that you are resenting her if you go through the motions of meeting her needs in terms of affection and attention.

Kids are resilient but neglect can have a devastating affect in terms of children's ability to create attachments later in life.

I don't say this to guilt trip you - you are obviously hugely struggling and you have come on here for help, which is commendable, but you must get some support for her sake. I hope your gp is empathetic, good luck.

Not much to add but so pleased you have decided to see your GP. Please do this as you have so much to gain by seeking help. All 3 of your kids need you to do it. You can get through this.

I can't imaging have 3 kids so little all at once and if everything was fine and dandy you would probably still be stressed to hell! In the circumstances with you feeling so isolated and with your DH being a dick there is no wonder you are struggling.

Your daughter is being a toddler. If you haven't bonded it will be hard on both of you. You have got into a cycle that is hard to break but it can be done. If any behaviours really irk you, think of it as a phase which will pass. They always do. Your DH is really not helping but as others have said, seek help for you and hopefully this will make you feel stronger and more able to cope. You can deal with him later.

You could really do with a break. You may need to get your HV on board with this to get your DH to see the benefits for your son starting nursery. Discuss the concerns about your DD picking up bugs or falling over things with your GP/HV so you have the professionals opinion on some of these points.

Big hugs .

It's great you've decided to see your gp. Well done

Honestly keep pushing for help. You deserve it. You've had a really rough time of things and need some support.

You are hurting your DD though, not intentionally and not your fault really, but you are.
She is picking up on the way you feel about her compared to her brothers.Toddlers are immensely sensitive to the emotions of those around them.Your DH is acting like this because he can see this and doesn't know a better way to make things right for her.
I am glad to hear you have taken the first steps towards getting counselling.I hope you get it all sorted.

Glad you are going to get some help OP. Don't be scared. You need to do it for yourself and your little girl.

You are stuck in a vicious circle which needs to be broken - you feel no bond with your daughter, she senses this, she cries, she goes to her dad where she feels comfortable. This can change and needs to for your mental health Bx the mental health of your little girl but it will need help from HV and GP.

You have essentially spent the last 4 years, since you were 16, pregnant or dealing with a tiny baby.

That would break most of us, let alone a teenager.

Very pleased you have decided to talk to the GP. He or she won't be judgemental, you will be far from the first person they have seen with such issues, and they will help.

You also need to have a conversation with your husband and tell him everything you have told us. He needs to understand that whilst your DD was prem, she doesn't need to rule the roost, and your boys are just as important. Nursery for your eldest could be a real boon to you all.

I would give your Health Visitor a ring and arrange to see her. She can help with sorting out nursery places and can have a chat to your DP to reassure him about germs etc. She could also refer you to the Child and Adult Psychology Service if your local area has one - they will be able to help with bonding and working through the issues that stem from when your DD was in SCBU. And she can let you know what activities are on in the area so you can get out of the house and start meeting people locally. You've been through so much - asking for help is a positive thing!

Go to your gp and contact Hv. Print off what you have wrote - reword it if you like and give it to your gp or HV if you feel you can't just say in out loud. The sooner you get help the happier everyone will be.

All the posts above I totally agree with and support but I can't help thinking that your husband's responses to your little girl is excessive, maybe he has massive anxiety or trauma about the prem birth?? Just a thought