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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

special treatment for difficult people?

44 replies

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 10:28

So I have a very difficult friend (/ex-friend?) who is causing grief. She has always been difficult - very demanding, gets very angry over minor things etc. - but she's a lot of fun, is often very kind and we've been friends for a long time. She never really liked my OH from the moment they met, used to be very rude to him, sometimes refused to be in the same room as him, but had very non-specific complaints, like "I don't like his attitude'. Given that all of my other friends really like him, this seems to just be her problem. When we announced that we were getting engaged she was furious and now hasn't spoken to me for months. I sent her flowers and a card on her birthday, asking if we could meet up, and she ignored the message and didn't reciprocate when my birthday came around. Total radio silence.

What's pissing me off is the attitude of our friends. They're basically keeping their heads below the parapet and hoping it will all blow over (as, to my shame, I have done in the past when she's blown up at other friends). I feel really miserable and wish they'd stand up for me... it's got to the point where I feel like I'm expected to make nice and grovel to stop things being awkward for them.

My OH is doing a temporary job on the other side of the country in a few months so he'll be away for a little while, and I'm worried about getting lonely... should I make nice with Ms. Difficult so I have a few more friends around, or should I stand my ground? We've been friends for such a long time, I'm struggling to adjust to this gap in my life.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 23/02/2015 10:44

Is it possible to just carry on being friends with your friends, without expecting them to condemn the Difficult Friend?

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 10:49

Sure, though I also miss the difficult friend... and our mutual friends now have to split their time between us, so I end up seeing a lot less of them

OP posts:

GritStrength · 23/02/2015 10:56

Why do they have to split their time? Is she insisting you cannot be there when she is?

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 10:59

Grit I'm not sure - possibly, or they might just be doing it to avoid awkwardness. They're all very reluctant to talk about this with me because they don't want to "take sides"

OP posts:

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 11:00

Although she would definitely refuse to be in the same room as my OH!

OP posts:

Turquoiseblue · 23/02/2015 11:06

That's tough.
If she s a difficult and strong personality I can see why the others don't want to get involved but I think they re a little Lilly livered and poor friends for it. I would be disappointed in them tbh.
She can't dictate whom you go out with by her tantrums and bullying.
I d be inclined to find a new group of friends , join a club get a new hobby and expand my horizons a little bit. She sounds insecure and manipulative.
I would contact her and let her know she s not going to dictate your relationships and her behaviour is intolerable and you won't indulge it. Let her know you want to be pals but not on her terms alone, contact the others and let them know the same, to keep it above board send them a copy of what ever text or email you send to her.
Keep it brief magnanimous and let them all
Know their friendships matter but they can't dictate your life.
Then get on with it.

NynaevesSister · 23/02/2015 11:13

So your choice is to give up your other half because this friend doesn't like him and is throwing a tantrum because you got engaged. Or give up your difficult friend and not see your mutual friends as much.

Only you can decide but there is no middle ground here, she has made that clear. If you grovel and compromise then she will make you exclude your OH from the friendship circle forever. And that is the same as choosing her over your other half - your marriage won't survive that.

Concentrate on the friends who don't make your life hell because they don't like your partner.

minibmw2010 · 23/02/2015 11:14

I don't honestly think I'd want to be friends with someone who treats my DH with such little respect or is downright rude to him / about him without what seems like any good reason? I think you need to find new friends.

frumpet · 23/02/2015 11:18

What does your DH say ? does he realise or even care what your so called friend thinks of him ? Is his attitude ' he couldn't give a fuck' , because I can imagine that would drive your friend mad , when she is used to the world laying down at her feet with every little strop she throws .

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/02/2015 11:20

I think you need to do two things, and treat them seperately

(1) confront ex friend. Ask her wtf is her problem with your dh and why she feels so
strongly against him that she is willing to sacrifice the friendship
(2) speak to your other friends. Not about Ex Friend per se, more the situation. "I wont keep going on but its unfair you leaving me out of stuff bwcause of her. I cam be civil. Please dont exclude me"

SinisterBuggyMonth · 23/02/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 11:30

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Frumpet OH thinks difficult friend is crazy, but isn't especially bothered about her behaviour towards him, only worried about me.

Giving up OH is 100% not an option and I would never even consider that! Though you're right, NynaevesSister, she probably would end up pushing him out of social events etc., which wouldn't be fair on him at all.

And yeah I know what you mean Sinister... I think we've all just got into the habit of humouring her to keep the peace.

Since there doesn't seem to be much I can do about Ms. Difficult, I think my bigger conundrum is what to do about the other friends. I'm really reluctant to ditch them over this, but they're just not prepared to stand up to the difficult one and think it's unfair of me to even ask.

OP posts:

championnibbler · 23/02/2015 11:39

I know her sort and the best approach is to ignore her strops.
do not placate her and do not send her gifts.
you're wasting money and effort there.
don't pick a fight with her, but just let all her drama blithely go over your head.
her sort feed off attention - good or bad.
they always need to have an enemy and they always need drama.
they are always extremely jealous of others.
don't say anything to your friends as she will be pumping them for info on what you have said to date.
honestly, let it all go and stop running after her.
she's already poisoned and rotten to the core - there's nothing you can do to help her.
she is most definitely not your friend, and she does not wish for the best for you.

frumpet · 23/02/2015 11:40

Well as I said that's why difficult friend doesn't like him , because he couldn't give two hoots about her , must drive her absolutely batty

HoggleHoggle · 23/02/2015 11:43

A friend has cut you out totally because you're marrying someone she's decided she doesn't like? Why are ANY of you friends with her?!

Honestly, she sounds beyond hard work and unfortunately if your other friends are indulging her then I think you need to try really hard to make new friends. I know that's not always easy but can you think about hobbies etc?

Don't bother trying to contact former friend again. She is not your friend and will not bring anything good to any of your relationships.

however · 23/02/2015 11:43

I'd not bother with her.

Would you treat a friend like that? Of course not. She's no friend.

NynaevesSister · 23/02/2015 11:43

I think the only thing you can do is make it clear to the other friends that you are with your other half, end of. Difficult friends is being unreasonable to expect otherwise and you will not be leaving him just to stay friends with her. What they do is up to them. And then just leave it. Join a group or a club and just get on with life. You may have fewer friends for a while, you may have nights on your own but you have your own family now and a partner you love more than life itself.

ConfusedInBath · 23/02/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstmrsrochester · 23/02/2015 11:47

championnibbler that's it exactly.
Don't play into her hands any longer OP. She will find someone else to manipulate and bully. I called out a 'friend' like yours, and my god, life is so much better for it.
on your engagement.

cattypussclaw · 23/02/2015 11:47

Some of my friends have partners that I'm not over keen on, but that's my problem. I grit my teeth and get on with it because they're my friends and I care about them. Isn't that what friends do? Not sure you need a "friend" like this, who won't respect your choices.

frumpet · 23/02/2015 11:48

For what it's worth , I couldn't stand my friends Ex husband , but I remained her friend because that's what real friends do .

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 11:49

Confused She's gay actually (and single), so she definitely doesn't fancy OH!

OP posts:

ConfusedInBath · 23/02/2015 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nellagain · 23/02/2015 11:53

Reverse the situatiob for a minute

.If your dp told you he didn't like your friends and tried to exclude them from you what would you say?

What would Mn say?

There's your answer.

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 12:04

Confused the thought had crossed my mind... I'm worried it's a bit vain to assume though! She's never liked any of my boyfriends, not just OH.

OP posts:

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