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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

special treatment for difficult people?

44 replies

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 10:28

So I have a very difficult friend (/ex-friend?) who is causing grief. She has always been difficult - very demanding, gets very angry over minor things etc. - but she's a lot of fun, is often very kind and we've been friends for a long time. She never really liked my OH from the moment they met, used to be very rude to him, sometimes refused to be in the same room as him, but had very non-specific complaints, like "I don't like his attitude'. Given that all of my other friends really like him, this seems to just be her problem. When we announced that we were getting engaged she was furious and now hasn't spoken to me for months. I sent her flowers and a card on her birthday, asking if we could meet up, and she ignored the message and didn't reciprocate when my birthday came around. Total radio silence.

What's pissing me off is the attitude of our friends. They're basically keeping their heads below the parapet and hoping it will all blow over (as, to my shame, I have done in the past when she's blown up at other friends). I feel really miserable and wish they'd stand up for me... it's got to the point where I feel like I'm expected to make nice and grovel to stop things being awkward for them.

My OH is doing a temporary job on the other side of the country in a few months so he'll be away for a little while, and I'm worried about getting lonely... should I make nice with Ms. Difficult so I have a few more friends around, or should I stand my ground? We've been friends for such a long time, I'm struggling to adjust to this gap in my life.

OP posts:

whothehellknows · 23/02/2015 13:08

Well, there you go, OP. If she's never liked any of your boyfriends and has thrown a strop because you got engaged, then it's not unreasonable to guess that she might have feelings for you herself.

If you think that might be the case, then I'd just leave her to it as any efforts to resolve the situation may make it worse.

DoJo · 23/02/2015 17:35

Unfortunately, if you have done the same in their position in the past, it's unreasonable to expect them to all change their attitude towards this friend just because it's you now in the firing line. How did previous situations get resolved and why is that not likely this time?

toomuchtooold · 23/02/2015 17:51

I had a "friend" a bit like that - not so much into the drama side of things but she cut me out of her life when I met my DH. Years later met up with a mutual friend we compared notes and realised she'd done the same to a few of us. To my shame I had never called her on it when she did it to others, partly because she did it very quietly (certain friends would just not be invited when she organised stuff) and partly because she was known in our social group as being a bit awkward, had depression, social phobia etc. Hrm... have any of your other friends been similarly treated? Form a splinter group!

mommy2ash · 23/02/2015 17:57

you are being unreasonable purely for the fact you want them to stand up for you when you admit you didn't stand up for them in the past. why should they? they have no part in this argument i wouldn't get involved either.

you further complicate things by saying you miss her. i don't understand how she can be so horrible but fun it all sounds very wishy washy and like you can't pick a side yourself so easy to see why your friends cant.

i would be glad to have someone like that out of my life and move on.

theendoftheendoftheend · 23/02/2015 18:00

Totally are with PP who have point out you can't have a problem with mutual friend dealing with the situation the same way you did when the boot was on the other foot!

laughingmyarseoff · 23/02/2015 20:42

I'd go NC with her to be honest, she sounds too much hard work and not at all worth it. Make plans with your other friends and have fun, don't bother inviting her at all- why do you have to pander and beg for her approval?

YANBU to think it's difficult and need to take a stand, YABU to think friends should stand up for you if you've not done for them or others in the past. You can't expect them to take sides or stick up for you when they know you'd not do the same for them.

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 20:52

Yeah it's a fair point. So she's behaved similarly to people I don't know (so taking their side wasn't really an option for me) and with one of my friends (who is not involved with our current dispute, since he's living overseas at the moment). It was a little bit different in that it only lasted a few weeks and he didn't ask any of us to stand up to her. I do feel bad in retrospect... I apologised to him recently and he said he wasn't really bothered, he didn't care that much about his friendship with her anyway. They're just friendly but not very close now.

In the past she's just ended up simmering down and things go back to normal, so I was expecting that to happen now but no signs of her fury abating. I know it sounds weird that I miss her since she must sound like such a psycho! We've just been friends for a very long time so it's hard to adjust.

I think we might be able to deal with her bad behaviour if all her friends joined forces and said "cut this out now", but unfortunately no one else wants to do that because they're not in the firing line at the moment. I'm feeling like I might just have to put up with being excluded from social events because of her... sigh. Oh well, worse things happen at sea!

OP posts:

laughingmyarseoff · 23/02/2015 21:10

Maybe you are a bit of a masochist when it comes to her op? If your other friends chose to exclude you then they've already taken her side.

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 21:17

Well they exclude me half the time, and exclude her the other half. I feel like this is unfair because she's the one who created all this drama (and maybe I'm being unreasonable there and should just let my friends get on with it), but also they're being very silly because she will almost certainly do the same to them at some point!

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 23/02/2015 21:19

Hm does sound as if she has feelings for you.

I had a (male) friend who came to my wedding then never spoke to me again because I hadn't jilted DH at the alter (WTAF??). I still don't really understand what that was all about.

I would just ignore her. See your other friends when you can (no need for deep & meaningfuls) & find some new friends as well. Life is too short to pander to that sort of crap

PiranhaBrothers · 23/02/2015 21:20

but they're just not prepared to stand up to the difficult one and think it's unfair of me to even ask.

But you've also failed to stand up to her when it comes to yourself let alone other people? Sending her flowers when she's the one in the wrong for example.

If someone was that rude to my partner I wouldn't give them the time of day however witty and amusing they are.

MaxPepsi · 23/02/2015 21:25

Cut her out. I had a friend like this, who on occasion I still miss.
She was hard work but it was just swept under the carpet/ignored as just being her way. She was out of order to all of us in the friendship group but it was never witnessed by all of us at the same time.
It all came to a head last year when, after finally having enough of her shit I confronted her. Her response was to physically attack me.
None of us have spoken since and it has been a blessed relief not having to deal with her.

JenniferGovernment · 23/02/2015 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wobblebobblehat · 23/02/2015 21:37

Real friends support you and accept your choices even if they don't agree with them.

I would not allow 'a friend' to be rude to my DH. He should come first in my opinion...

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 21:40

Thank you all so much for your advice. I've accepted that Ms Difficult is a lost cause (and good riddance, on the whole), but the other friends are still tricky. I guess I just have to leave it up to them... if they choose to invite her and not me & OH to weddings etc., well then... it hurts, but it's up to them, not much I can do.

I struggle being assertive and always have. That's why I posted here - it's helpful to have other people telling me I'm justified in being cross! Otherwise I start to doubt myself.

OP posts:

JenniferGovernment · 23/02/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2015 22:35

If I were you I'd continue with the friends who wanted to be my friend and let her go as well as try to find new friends who also get along with the old group. Maybe squeeze Ms Difficult out a bit. Do you really want to spend the next 50 years around someone who doesn't like your OH and probably makes no bones about it? It wouldn't be fun for me to be around someone who criticizes my DH (that's MY job!) or around whom I felt I couldn't talk about him. What will happen when or if you fall pregnant? Ms Difficult will probably bust a gut!

Flissypix · 23/02/2015 22:50

I had a friend exactly like this. She decided to stop speaking to after an argument over something minor. I was really hurt at the time apologised grovelled. We have a group of friends who also didn't pick sides I was upset at first but realised that was unreasonale of me to expect them to. They continued to invite us both to all gatherings like birthdays/weddings and at the 1st few she never went,in order to avoid me. I made it clear I would be there and would be polite and I went as I wasn't missing out due to her. My friends however have met up with ex friend without and sometimes I feel left out but in all honesty I wouldnt enjoy myself. However she recently made contact asking how my dds were etc I replied but I am pretty sure it is because there is an upcoming wedding and she wants to go.
Ignore her, spend time with your other friends (maybe tell them you feel a bit lonely and left out) and enjoy some time alone.

Original poster

rivetingrosie · 23/02/2015 23:16

thanks everyone

OP posts:

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