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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thinking having depression isn't child abuse

30 replies

soapybubbles123 · 23/02/2015 09:22

I write a blog about various parts of my life - my job as a neonatal nurse, being a mum and battling with depression.

I started writing partly because it was something I could do as a hobby that fitted in with having a small child and partly as therapy. I didn't start writing so that people would tell me how brave and amazing I was and I did expect so differing opinions.

In the last few weeks I've received a few comments about how I have no right to have a child with my history of depression; that I am cruel and irresponsible, my son will grow up to hate me and that I'm encouraging and validating child abuse.

I know the comments are ridiculous but I worry about the impact of my mental health on my son and these comments just make me feel sick.

OP posts:

Thankyoumrspatterson · 23/02/2015 09:24

I have depression, I have had it for yrs and take the relevant medication. I have two children, one with a rare syndrome.

Are my children abused because of my mental health? NO they are well loved and the know it.

Ignore the haters and for you! Some people are total wankers on the Internet IMO

mommy2ash · 23/02/2015 09:25

merely having depression doesn't equate to child abuse. that is ridiculous. so many people struggle with depression in some form at some stage in their life should nobody have children?

of course if you were so badly depressed you weren't able to function or care for your children that would be neglect however unintentional. seeing as that isn't the situation you are in i would ignore those comments and carry on living your life as you were.

Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:27

Well I heard on a radio advert last night that 1 in 4 people will have mental health issues this year. Does that mean 25% of the population shouldn't be having children either?

Chertsey · 23/02/2015 09:34

Unmanaged depression in a parent is a terrible thing for children to have to live with and can often lead to neglect. IMO most neglectful parents suffer from some form of MH issue, diagnosed or not.

That's not the same as saying all children of parents with depression suffer neglect/abuse though.

EdSheeran · 23/02/2015 09:34

Of course it's not. there are some real twats online. :( Can you make your blog private? Or maybe join a mental health network?

Lariflete · 23/02/2015 09:35

Definitely not child abuse! I have had severe depression for a lot of years and have had children who are definitely not abused. Adored and well looked after,yes but managing depression doesn't make someone incapable of being a good mother.

MrsTedCrilly · 23/02/2015 09:41

I think if it's affecting how you are with your child, stopping you doing things with them, your low mood is obvious to them then I don't think that's fair, it will affect them.. But if you manage it well and they are oblivious to it then it's fine, which it sounds like you're doing

Original poster

soapybubbles123 · 23/02/2015 09:43

Apparently I'm encouraging people to have children who will then end up abusing them because that's what parents with depression do.

I'm really not sure how I'm encouraging anyone to do anything apart from be more open if they are having problems because they're not on their own.

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 23/02/2015 09:46

I work as a social worker dealing with child abuse and i can say quite definitively that having mental health issues does NOT make you a child abuser.

Certainly some people with serious MH issues may neglect their children leading to an abusive situation but many, many people are depressed and bring children up very successfully

People can be so stupid sometimes. Just ignore them

RandomNPC · 23/02/2015 09:53

I know it's easy to say ignore them; it's more difficult than that I know. I have depression, I worry about the potential genetic legacy I have left my kids, but it didn't start with me. I inherited it from my family, back into history. I personally feel that people who have experienced MH problems tend to be compassionate, caring people; ideal parents in fact.
The sort of fuckwits that send you abuse are not far removed from the eugenicists who would have had us all sterilised. We know from history where that ended.

Cobain · 23/02/2015 09:54

Knowing and accepting you have depression would mean you are much more capable to ensure your child's happiness and safety. I suffered some neglect as a child due to having a mother with depression but not admitting that, but once she sought treatment she and my father could provide the stable home that was there when she was not depressed.

Jackieharris · 23/02/2015 10:05

Ignore them.

There are bloody nasty people online.

Block them and forget about it.

ElmerRocks · 23/02/2015 10:28

My Mum suffered with depression, including postnatal with me (I was a very poorly baby, whisked off to a hospital miles away for a life saving op and she had to make her own way there while I was in theatre, this is what we all think contributed to PND)
I didn't even know she had depression until I was a lot older. She was still a WONDERFUL mother, depression or no! I never suffered a day in my life because of her illness, not once!
She was on anti depressants for a while, but again, it didn't affect my childhood.
I love my mother to pieces, and I'm sorry she was suffering when she should have been happy, but she never once made my childhood abusive/neglectful etc. I was safe, loved and happy.

Try and ignore the ignorant folk of the world! I don't think they even understand what depression is, or how it can affect you.

It's such an ignorant view point, because depression does not automatically make you an abuser or neglectful! Anyone could be... My friends abusive parents were certainly not depressed, psychiatric tests on the court documents prove this. They were just nasty nasty people.

MiaowTheCat · 23/02/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KellyElly · 23/02/2015 11:11

I think if it's affecting how you are with your child, stopping you doing things with them, your low mood is obvious to them then I don't think that's fair, it will affect them. You could say this about any illness though, it's not unique to depression.

MrsBojingles · 23/02/2015 12:59

There are some idiots out there - ignore them. Having depression doesn't mean you're a bad mum.

windchime · 23/02/2015 13:09

My DM was a manic depressive but it was not diagnosed until well after I left home at 18. I did suffer abuse and I never forgave her for not seeking help sooner. My childhood was utterly miserable and she died alone a few years ago. Getting out of her life was the first positive thing I was able to do.

vrtra · 23/02/2015 13:17

It's projection, ignore it.

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2015 13:22

I have depression and am weaning myself slowly off the meds. I love my children and am a good mum. (Not perfect. Who is?)
When I was severely depressed I struggled to meet their needs and needed support. I was unwell.
Should an adult with epilepsy, diabetes etc etc not have children?!
Rubbish.

Original poster

soapybubbles123 · 23/02/2015 13:27

I guess I'm just a bit upset because it's what I'm afraid of.

I'm having a low few weeks and as a result DS is doing a lot more playing on his own. He still gets plenty of kisses and cuddles and I talk to him and read him a bed time story but there's also lots of randomly bursting into tears and not being able to go out and do fun things.

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 23/02/2015 13:28

Hmn. When someone comments using that kind of vitriol, I think it is either simple trolling (in which case, pay it no mind, however hurtful it is. Just ignore) or someone with a very bad history with a depressed parent taking their issues out on you, complete with over-the-top generalisations (still right to ignore).

The very fact you have awareness and are concerned enough to worry about your child and minimising any effect on him is why you aren't, and won't become, an abusive parent.

What really damages children is when their parents fail to take responsibility for their own issues and fail to put the children's needs and care first. Those failures aren't limited to people with depression by any means.

geekymommy · 23/02/2015 13:51

Even Germany under the Nazis didn't say that people with depression should be sterilized (They did, of course, sterilize people with other mental disorders, but not depression). These comments are outdoing the Nazis, which is quite an achievement.

FatSwan · 23/02/2015 13:59

It's bullshit.

I'm a mum, I have depression. I'm not perfect, but I'm not an abusive parent. If anything, the fact that I take steps to keep my depression in check and ask for help makes me a better mother everyday.

People are ignorant when it comes to mental illness. It's unfair, but true.

It's very brave of you to be open about your life. The internet is scary

littlejohnnydory · 23/02/2015 14:01

How many other chronic illnesses make someone an unfit parent because there's a chance parenting may be less than optimal when a parent is unwell?

tinymeteor · 23/02/2015 14:03

Some people are asshats. Sorry they picked your blog to parade their asshattery on this occasion. Carry on about your business with your lovely son.

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