Thinking having depression isn't child abuse

[soapybubbles123]

I write a blog about various parts of my life - my job as a neonatal nurse, being a mum and battling with depression.

I started writing partly because it was something I could do as a hobby that fitted in with having a small child and partly as therapy. I didn't start writing so that people would tell me how brave and amazing I was and I did expect so differing opinions.

In the last few weeks I've received a few comments about how I have no right to have a child with my history of depression; that I am cruel and irresponsible, my son will grow up to hate me and that I'm encouraging and validating child abuse.

I know the comments are ridiculous but I worry about the impact of my mental health on my son and these comments just make me feel sick.

Well my husband has bipolar and while his mania is well controlled he suffers with severe depression very regularly.

Thankfully he still manages to care for our children and meet their needs and show them love. They are in no way neglected by him or abused. He would not harm a hair on anyone's head. And yes, I have had the odd person comment to me that I shouldn't leave the kids alone with him because people with bipolar are all unstable and can turn at any time . He is a wonderful father. At times it takes every effort for him to get on with daily life but the children are well loved and cared for. He takes his meds likes clockwork and is great at getting more help when his mood is getting lower.

I also have OCD and health anxiety. My OCD is well under control now but the ha isn't always and I too manage to be a good mother.

OP

"Asshats asshats asshats asshats..." (to the tune of Ode to Joy)

I suspect being an asshat is more likely to lead to child abuse than depression is. If you asked people who are estranged from their parents why they are estranged, I suspect a good fraction of them would cite something the parent said as the reason. Who's more likely to say awful things to their child- someone who is depressed, or someone who goes around telling people that they have no right to have children?

Well on that basis people with depression wouldn't be allowed to adopt and that's just not the case!

People are entitled to have an opinion but not all opinions are created equal and them saying it doesn't actually make it true.

Depression is one of the broad spectrum of human experiences, felt at some level by absolutely everyone at some time or other. Clinical depression is just that emotional smog hanging around longer, so clearly plenty of mothers of sons are not raising their sons well a bit stuck in the emotion but it's not really a particularly unique experience.

You might as well say no one who has the potential to be bereaved should consider parenting, as in many respects people who are bereaved will 'look' and behave like someone with depression.

I understand why clinical depression has been medicalised, but I don't think it removes the potential for stigmatising hating behaviour from, well, the asshats. It hasn't really made everyone suddenly accept depression or any other form of mental distress. It's just another way of describing a set of behaviours and people who are afraid of people being distressed in this way or are mean and callous about it will be, whether someone says they have clinical depression, is depressive, has a brain based mood disorder, suffers from their nerves, is under control of the black dog or whatever. Some people just aren't very kind or friendly.

On the other hand, I would ask you if this blogging is bringing value to your life. Is it bringing you joy or vitality? If not, consider ditching it.

Living with a depressed parent is not abuse but also not that ideal, let's face it... I was one, I had one, I tend towards it, had a psych team and the whole nine yards... But a sure fire way to find yourself back in the darkness is to find yourself mulling and stewing over thoughts of the harm you're doing or over identifying with the depression instead of being open, present and pursuing the things that matter in the moment.

Sorry there's a weird overhang there in the second line from a copied bit from anothe post about mothers of sons [oops]