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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband is brewing for a fight, would I be unreasonable to not bite back?

37 replies

Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:10

I can feel it is in the air. I have obviously done something to piss him off and he is brewing for a fight, he clearly wants one, but instead he is slamming doors, silent treatment, kicking shoes around etc.

I hate it when he is like this, I am walking on egg shells. I know it is coming and it is just a question of when he feels he can no longer hold it in.

Normally it is because of something really small that his anger and resentment about it is out of proportion, which is why he simmers in his own juices. Eventually it comes out.

Actually I know what it is. We have 1 car and I took it for a day out to see my sister, leaving him alone with the children, which he did not enjoy. He knows I am not unreasonable to spend a day with my sister but he didn't want me to go and leave him. So instead he will seethe for a few hours before starting a conversation with "I just want to say...."

Ahhhhhhhhh any other husbands like this?

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 23/02/2015 09:12

God forbid he spends time alone with his kids Hmm I think thats the issue here rather than silent treatment etc.

whothehellknows · 23/02/2015 09:13

Umm, actually I think if you're walking on eggshells and your husband is pissy because you went to see your sister...

You have a problem. This doesn't happen in healthy marriages.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 23/02/2015 09:13

My 5 year old DD is, which probably tells you everything you need to know.

You shouldn't be in a position where you are tip toeing around your husband because you have done something perfectly reasonable that he didn't like.

Well tbh you should never have to tip toe around your DH full stop.

whothehellknows · 23/02/2015 09:14

It sounds like he's punishing you for doing something nice for yourself. Does he always behave like this?

StockingFullOfCoal · 23/02/2015 09:14

Rather, the biggest issue. He doesn't like time alone with his kids; he doesn't like you having free time; he's very passive aggressive.

I'd say thats not normal.

DorothyBastard · 23/02/2015 09:15

What would happen if you calmly called him out on it? "It seems there is something bothering you. Is it anything I can help you with?"

NickiFury · 23/02/2015 09:16

I DID have a H like this. I don't any longer and thank f*ck for that!

whattheholyfeck · 23/02/2015 09:17

He sounds quite abusive actually. He sounds a lot like my partner, who I am currently planning to leave. His emotional abuse over 15 years has been chipping away at me and was so subtle that I thought I was going mad.

I would recommend reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. My partner is a Water Torturer (with a bit of Mr Right and The Victim thrown in)

I may be wrong about your partner but it sounds all too familiar to me. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells. It's not right.

gamerchick · 23/02/2015 09:17

No, well mine isn't. He'll happily shoo me out of the door for a few hours break and look after his SN stepson. He might look a bit wide eyed and dishevelled after a million board games of sorry but doesn't resent me going out.

What you're describing makes me think your dude is a immature child.

I think I'd be tempted to front it out and pull him before he hits his peak of seething to take him off guard.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 09:20

I don't think it is passive aggressive, just aggressive.

If he says 'I just want to say' whatever can you turn it back and say 'In what context?'

'What do you mean exactly?'

'I'm trying to work out what the actual problem is. You don't want me to see my own sister, you don't want me driving our car, you don't want to spend time with your own kids? What is the exact problem here and what are your suggested solutions'.

MumToFourCats · 23/02/2015 09:20

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells in a healthy relationship. But you know that. You also know what you should do.

Be strong. You're not in the wrong here.

Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:23

I did call him out on it about an hour ago and he said "no I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Clearly he isn't and I am expected to know. Well, yes I do know. I went out with my sister and took the car. However, HE knows that is not unreasonable. HE knows that his feeling of anger towards me going out for the day are unreasonable. BUT he still feels them and can't express them because he is unreasonable. Instead he is looking for something else to have a go at me over. Hmmmm what will it be? The dishwasher not emptied, the dogs not walked? What will it be......

I'm fed up of this game.

OP posts:
Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:25

Oh joy; he has just asked "did you have a nice time yesterday?". Oh he is spoiling for a fight. He is really pissed off with me.

Also, "may I have the phone or have you let the charge run down?" Okay, now he is clutching at straws to have a fight. BTW - I put the phone back to charge before I went to bed!

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 23/02/2015 09:27

That's just awful op. Can you just leave him to it.

In answer to your question, no my dh is not like that. Sometimes it's hardwork with no car and kids, but you can put them in the pram or make them walk.

It's completely unreasonable of him to behave like this and you should not feel the need to walk on eggshells.

whattheholyfeck · 23/02/2015 09:27

Do not rise to it. Try and detach yourself, don't give him the reaction he so craves. If you do, he wins.

StockingFullOfCoal · 23/02/2015 09:28

I really wouldn't have the energy for this level of shit.

Flowers
NickiFury · 23/02/2015 09:30

Oh how well I know that!

"I can't have a go at you because you had a night out Nicki, because that would make me an abusive controlling DICK!!! But this unreasonable rage has to go somewhere and you ARE after all my own personal emotional dumpling ground so.........OH there it is!!! You didn't lock the kitchen windows AngryAngryAngryAngryAngry (scream, yell, insult) there I feel MUCH better now SmileSmileSmileSmileSmile" .

Sound familiar OP? How long have you been with this controlling wanker?

Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:30

Holyfeck - that is exactly what I am going to do. I'm glad I'm not premenstrual or I would not be able to do so, hormones would take over! However, I'm going to go out! Leave him to it.

He didn't walk the dogs yesterday so I've got to do a long walk today. He said "shouldn't you be working?" I said, "yes, but I will do my hours this evening instead." So then his reply was "oh, so you won't be with me this evening either".

Bloody man!

OP posts:
littleleftie · 23/02/2015 09:33

What a load of tedious drama - no wonder you are getting bored of it.

I assume he has some good points?

fuzzywuzzy · 23/02/2015 09:34

Ex was like this, in the end I just stopped going out.

Better yet I divorced him.

DP will cheerfully drop me off to see friends if I so wish, take care of my two children and be smiling and cheerful when I return home.

Ohfourfoxache · 23/02/2015 09:34

I'm quite worried that you felt the need to post this in aibu - as if there were any question about it.

Of course yanbu Sad - I can't believe you've had to ask Sad

Why on earth are you with this moody, abusive, immature fucker?

Dontnic · 23/02/2015 09:35

We have 3 children together and I wouldn't split up the family for this behaviour.

I have just told him very calmly that he is being unreasonable. He said "it is just you left me all day with no car". I answered again calmly with you are being unreasonable. "but no car at all". I said again, you are being unreasonable.

No argument to that really.

OP posts:
Thankyoumrspatterson · 23/02/2015 09:36

This doesn't happen in healthy marriages. My husband wouldn't tlk to me like this or treat me this way, can he not just tell you how he feels, realise he is being an idiot and then Get over it with a hug?

I feel for you OP he sounds emotionally abusive.

LeSaor · 23/02/2015 09:37

Yeah I went through this, it's called emotional abuse.

^Anonymous asked: What are the signs of emotional abuse?

mental-health-advice:

Abusive Expectations - Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing - Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos - Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting - Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying - Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading - Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as: name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail - Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing - Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation - Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating - Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting - Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting - Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing - A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses - Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gaslighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

Love, Salem^

ThingummyJigg · 23/02/2015 09:38

Oh dear. I think if he snipes/whinges/bitches at you again re:this evening, you should say 'well you don't seem to be in the mood for company.' Unless that's inflammatory.

Meanwhile, be a cool, detached ice queen (is that phrase from Bridget Jones?) and do not respond to his bitchbaby whining - you will only make it fester.

As for "Bloody man!" - there is plenty bloody but sod all man-like in his behaviour.