To wonder if I am a ball breaker or SIL is a bit of a wuss?

[DrSeuss]

Background to this is that SIL has been ill and is now rather under weight.

This is not just my opinion, after a recent family gathering, a number expressed concern at how thin she is. She is not anorexic or anything of that nature, she just needs to regain the lost weight now she is recovering.

Today she told me that she often fancies a curry. Home made, not take away. However, if she makes one, her husband complains a lot about the fact that both she and the house smell of spices, which he dislikes. Therefore, even though she is getting over a serious illness, needs to eat and would enjoy a curry, she never makes one.

I said, can he really not accept that you enjoy eating it and just put up with it? Apparently not. DH feels that it is unreasonable of me to suggest that she do something which would cause her husband to be unhappy. I feel that allowing someone who has been very ill to have food that they enjoy while recovering is a fairly basic thing to do. MIL has obviously strongly influenced this attitude. She will not cook certain common foods even though she enjoys them, just because FIL complains if she does. Personally, I buy cheese that my DH won't touch as well as other foods which he dislikes but I love. I don't try to make him eat them but don't see why I can't eat what I wish, paid for by me, in the home which I partly fund and run.

So, am I a harridan for suggesting that an adult tell her husband that she can eat what she wants, as the in laws feel?

Curries do not make the house stink for days! If that is the case [in your house] open a sodding window.

Agree delicious. Clean up and open the window.

I posted this the day after I did it, but it bears repeating and I thank MN for what I said!

I was doing lunch for the family, probably Easter Sunday and I was in the middle of making pudding - Raspberry Pavolva. I know H hates anything with berries in so I had already got an alternative for him and anyone else who wanted it. He walks in and sees me making it and got all whiny about not like berries and said in a really whingy voice "But what am I going to have?!" and I said it was ok, I was going to shop in a bit to get him a grip (thank you MN!). He sulked! Proper sulking! If he hadnt been so whiny and childish about it I would have told him straight away about the other pudding, but for some reason the moaning really got my back up at a time when I was rushed off my feet. He never moans now

I think the husband is being a bit of an arse, and SIL Ness yo grow a backbone. It is sad that she has been brainwashed to think she is less important than her husband. I wonder,though, how the family interpret the OPs (very normal and healthy) decision to behave as her husbands equal?
My in laws are very similar. They think I am a complete bitch for having opinions and not treating DH like a god. Tests!

Twats not tests. My Autocorrect is rather more polite than me.

DH feels that it is unreasonable of me to suggest that she do something which would cause her husband to be unhappy

Just noticed this. Yet your DH is ok with him doing something that makes her unhappy ie; guilt tripping her so she doesnt eat what she wants at a time when she really needs to build herself up?

Would he expect you to do this too OP and its just never come up thus far? His attitude would be pissing me off too tbh.

And thinking further, this is his sister FFS! Surely your DH should care more about his sister getting well than her husband not having a slightly whiffy house for a couple of hours and a bout of garlic breath?!

Strong deodorant makes me feel sick, my family all buy roll on and my partner will not buy aftershave unless I have checked the smell. I have always had problems with smell and feel nausea followed by headaches. I am ok eating curries but have to have takeaway as cannot cope with some of the spices. But again this guy maybe just an arse.

Cobain I get that some people struggle with strong smells but this woman has been very ill and needs to eat properly. Lets assume that a particular aftershave that you dont like would help your husband recover after a serious illness (no, I know it wouldnt happen but still....!) would you still veto it? Or would you deal with it on the basis that what he needs is more important than what you want at that particular time?

Why don't you take her to a curry house?

then she can eat food without worrying about her husband (who sounds a pillock)

There are certain foods that my partner cooks and the smell to me is horrific, however I grin and bear it and open a window if the weather is okay, I would never say you cannot cook that because I don't like it. The husband sounds like an arse an the wife needs to grow a backbone.

If he is that controlling about food and she is so brainwashed, I'd be very worried for her. It's not likely to stop at the kitchen door, is it? Bet its all about what he wants in the bedroom too, and how tidy the house is etc etc.
Any man that controlling can't reign it in to specifics, ime.

I know she has been ill, but why can't she eat other foods to put the weight on? The smell of coffee makes me feel very ill, nauseous, light headed - really, really rough - it always has. When I met DH he used to drink lots of coffee, had all these posh beans etc. He agreed when we moved in, that he would give that up, but used to drink it at work. Well, he could have one cup at 9am, come home at 6pm and I'd smell it on him and feel ill and could not stand him in the same room as me. So, he has had to stop it totally, or we couldn't live together - I'm not trying to be awkward, I really cannot stand the stuff and have a incredibly sensitive sense of smell. It is not reasonable for me to have to live feeling sick all the time and I think if DH was that selfish to put his love of one flavour above my need to function and not feel dreadful then he and I would not be together. So, if it is genuinely is just smell issue then I think her DH is right and he should not have to have that smell around him, I think a lot of people who don't have an intense dislike of a smell of a food really get how foul that smell is to them and how ill it can make them feel. Obv if he is using it as a control tool, then that is a different issue.

You,re going to come into contact with all kinds of smells in every day life - would you ask a work colleague to refrain from certain foods Wanda ?

Do you never mix with other people who've drunk coffee wanda ?

My ex was very controlling about food and what was and was not allowed, either in or out of the house. My DH has a moan if I cook things that he thinks smell but he gets over it and I do likewise. I love curry, he doesn't. Liver is but he loves it. Disclaimer - if something makes someone ill like nut allergy that is different to a bit of a dislike.

Fortunately as I work with young children now I don't have to worry as they don't tend to drink coffee but I also do have an problem with the smell of honey in hot tea and did used to share an office with collegue who drank it. The smell made me feel quite ill, to the extent that I could not focus, would go all hot, sweaty, nauseus, dizzy etc and had to leave the office to go and work somewhere else everytime she had it. I didn't say anything to her, just left quietly and eventually she asked why I kept leaving, so I told her and she stopped having it. It is a total pain that smell causes me to have such strong reactions (pregnancy was a bloody nightmare - it made me even worse, I barely eat as the smell of any food made me want to vomit - I lost a lot of weight and DH eat out of the house a lot), but it is not a case of tolerating it - I really can't - and it does limit me in terms of where I can go. Can't go to the cinema, can't stand popcorn smell, can't go near coffee shops in shopping malls, I struggle massively with petrol stations and have passed out in them before so either DH fills the car up for me or if I am desperate I do it like an idiot with my jumper over my face breathing through my mouth or eating incredibly strong mints to try and disguise the smell.

So, no I wouldn't ask a work colleague not to eat good or drink coffee, but I would not be able to work in a room with them either. Either I'd have to move offices or if it came to it change jobs. Imagine constantly feeling extreme morning sickness all the time with these smells, that's all I can liken it to - you cannot function long term like that, I eat a lot of mints/gum to try and dampen it (which does help to an extent - mint masks it) but I am hoping as I get older my sense of smell will diminish with old age....

On the plus side - I can pick up anything burning way before the smoke detectors..... and a neighbour lighting a barbeque several houses away within seconds.......which impresses DC and DH no end....

However, to clarify - I was just answering questions there. Not saying the DH is the OP was right as if it is just a case of him using it to control that is clearly wrong. Was just saying that food smell can be more of an issue than just disliking it.

Sorry I was asked a question and never replied, my comment was about my reaction to certain smells. On a good day a smell makes me feel slightly sick on a bad day (strong smell) a migraine which use to leave me bed ridden for two weeks. Anti histamines can help me and if I know I am going to be faced with strong smells I take pain killers. My reactions are for mainly pungent floral based smells. I have no idea about the DP in question, i was just balancing the argument of how smells can effect someone and my DP would probably have fish and chips rather than cause me pain if his life depended on a certain type of curry I would take the possibility of a migraine but this has never happened.

OP specifically said that it does not make him ill, he simply does not like it. He puts his own dislike of a smell above his ill wifes need to eat whatever she wants.
He's a twat.

I do sympathise wanda and cobain as it must be very dibilitating in every day life for you both to react so extremely to certain smells and I hope you can find some kind of medication that can help you, but I still think the lady in questions' dh is an absolute twat as he does not seem to suffer from the same condition you both do - he just 'doesn't like it'....what a shame