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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I am a ball breaker or SIL is a bit of a wuss?

71 replies

DrSeuss · 22/02/2015 21:58

Background to this is that SIL has been ill and is now rather under weight.

This is not just my opinion, after a recent family gathering, a number expressed concern at how thin she is. She is not anorexic or anything of that nature, she just needs to regain the lost weight now she is recovering.

Today she told me that she often fancies a curry. Home made, not take away. However, if she makes one, her husband complains a lot about the fact that both she and the house smell of spices, which he dislikes. Therefore, even though she is getting over a serious illness, needs to eat and would enjoy a curry, she never makes one.

I said, can he really not accept that you enjoy eating it and just put up with it? Apparently not. DH feels that it is unreasonable of me to suggest that she do something which would cause her husband to be unhappy. I feel that allowing someone who has been very ill to have food that they enjoy while recovering is a fairly basic thing to do. MIL has obviously strongly influenced this attitude. She will not cook certain common foods even though she enjoys them, just because FIL complains if she does. Personally, I buy cheese that my DH won't touch as well as other foods which he dislikes but I love. I don't try to make him eat them but don't see why I can't eat what I wish, paid for by me, in the home which I partly fund and run.

So, am I a harridan for suggesting that an adult tell her husband that she can eat what she wants, as the in laws feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
DrSeuss · 22/02/2015 22:35

And I don't put myself and my wishes above my husband and his wishes, I put them on the same level, what with us being partners in a marriage and all!

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 22/02/2015 22:36

No, can you buy her an assertiveness course for her next birthday?

MrsTawdry · 22/02/2015 22:36

Oh my God he sounds a twat. Could you cook her some curries OP?

songbird · 22/02/2015 22:39

And if she went home smelling of it, he would be inconvenienced. So she wouldn't do it.

Has one of them used the word 'inconvenienced'? Because that's weird. How can it be inconvenient if someone has curry breath? Unpleasant? Maybe. Inconvenient? Erm...

coolaschmoola · 22/02/2015 22:40

I wasn't saying that you do... I was saying she might think you do.

My point is, her marriage, her choice. You don't have to understand it, agree with it, or like it. If she chooses to live that way then who is anyone else to judge.

You choose to put your wishes on the same level as your partners, she chooses not to. You have differing views. It is allowed.

Have you thought that she might not appreciate you questioning her choices and marital set up?

SecretNutellaFix · 22/02/2015 22:41

He sounds controlling. A relationship is supposed to be about give and take, being equal. It sounds like she is expected to give all the time.

SecretNutellaFix · 22/02/2015 22:42

What would actually happen if she did it. Once?

limegoldfinewine · 22/02/2015 22:44

She sounds like the martyring type. She probably gets as much out of not eating the curry as he does out of not letting her eat the curry. On the plus side, they might have very kinky bedroom times Grin

coolaschmoola · 22/02/2015 22:44

Why is it when a grown, educated, professional woman makes a CHOICE that isn't typical she's automatically some 'poor woman' who needs rescuing (and curries cooked for her)?

Just because others, myself included, wouldn't do it it doesn't make her CHOICE wrong or something to be pitied. Unless she is clearly unhappy who is anyone to judge?

QueenInTheNorth · 22/02/2015 22:48

My partner loves tuna, I hate tuna, I love tomatoes, he hates them. We're both still allowed to eat them when we like, just preferably not together haha!

wartsnall · 22/02/2015 23:02

Completely agree with Queen
My dh hates smoked salmon but would never expect me to stop eating it whilst I bowk at him eating haggis shudder but that's his choice!
I find it bizzarre that anyone would control what anyone else eats.

GetSober · 22/02/2015 23:04

Crikey. DH can't stand the smell of pesto sauce. I love the stuff. He'd never dream of asking me not to cook it, though - just as long as I don't ask him to eat it!

Being a reasonable human being, obviously I do tend to wait until he's out of the house before I cook it, but only because I'm quite happy to do that. If I have a desperate craving for it when he's in, I just warn him, shut the kitchen door and whack the extractor fan up to max.

Not sure what is going on in your SIL's relationship, but yes - it does sound pretty fucked up one way or another Sad

TendonQueen · 22/02/2015 23:08

It's a shame her DH feels he wants to make such a fuss. When I've been ill my DH has been only too glad to cook me whatever I wanted, and is just glad to see me eating. Sadly, people like your SIL often cling to their martyrdom and won't thank you for trying to help.

kickassangel · 22/02/2015 23:12

I grew up in a house where D Dad dictated the food - we weren't even allowed curry or Chinese when he was away with business! In case the house smelt when he returned.

DSis has gone the same way. They all eat exactly what her DH likes. I refuse to be dictated to like that. DH and I can each eat what we want. If he tried limiting my life to that extent, I would expect a similar power of veto over his choices.

NeedABumChange · 22/02/2015 23:13

It does stink up a house for days though, curry, which is fine if you like it but foul if you don't. I think it is just being considerate to not make someone, her DH, uncomfortable in his own home.

Can't you invite her round and cook her a curry?

NeedABumChange · 22/02/2015 23:14

None of these foods mentioned make a house smell for days in the way curry does. Pesto, haggis, tuna, salmon all smell for a bit but not for days!

wartsnall · 22/02/2015 23:17

uncomfortable in his own home
I've heard it all now Grin

notnaice · 22/02/2015 23:22

She would be unreasonable to eat it everyday of the week, just as he is unreasonable to ban it completely. Most relationships have compromise in them. There isn't any give and take here.

YANBU to think it is wrong. She should eat a curry if she fancies it.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2015 23:33

I loathe the smell of curry.

It has probably been cooked twice in this house.

I really loathe the smell of curry.

Is there something else she would like?

MrsTawdry · 22/02/2015 23:48

Bum it really does not stink the house for days....unless you never open the windows, wash up or clean!

GetSober · 22/02/2015 23:53

Just coming back to this thread to lower the tone and say this reminds me a lot of the episode of The Good Life when Margot goes out for the evening and Jerry gets a takeway curry, as that's the only time he can have one due to the fact that she hates the smell, and he spends some time carefully wafting the scent all around the living room before eating Grin

mrsfuzzy · 22/02/2015 23:57

what happened to open windows or spraying febreeze to get rid of the smell, i can see his point of view but then it's her home too.

PopTarts · 23/02/2015 00:00

He's being a nob.
Curry is delicious.
Tell your friend to LTB and cook
Curry every day Grin

TheCatsFlaps · 23/02/2015 00:04

I don't think you're a ball-breaker, OP. However, will your sister simply end up miserable if she chooses to have this curry and BIL goes mad about it? It may be that she's just picking her battles, especially if she's been through a bad time recently.

IHeartKingThistle · 23/02/2015 00:14

I feel sorry for her. I was in a similar situation with needing to regain weight a few years back. DH would have ground the bloody spices himself if it meant I would eat something.