To still be jealous of PFB parents

[idiuntno57]

So first DC were twins. At the time life was just about coping. They were very premature and I was very ill. When I eventually got my head above the parapit my NCT group were all wafting around with their singleton babies in slings, drinking coffee and arranging meets which I couldn't logistically do (think double buggy and obstreporous bus drivers). They were wonderfully, totally and utterly self obsessed. Nothing seemed to get between them and their babies.

It felt like my life was just all about getting through the day. Making sure we were all fed, clean and alive. I loved my DC of course but I don't think it was the complete inability to see anything outside my bubble love that I observed. I was jealous. When people used to say things like "I wish I had twins" I'd want to scream at them "REALLY. Do you REALLY know what you are saying??"

Now more than 10 years down the line I know (and have always known) that I am very lucky. I have had two more DC although that in itself was a challenge (think x4 kids under 5). However I can't shake the feeling that I missed out and perhaps my DT's did too.

AIBU?

Maybe a little unreasonable, yes. However, there's nothing wrong with looking back and wishing you could have done things differently, I certainly wish I hadn't had to go back to work when DS was 10 weeks old (fortunately it was only part time). Just enjoy what you have got, I'm sure you're doing great.

scrambled not sure how I could have done things differently. Didn't plan DT's, prematurity etc. However things good now so yes I should get on with it (and am doing so).

YANBU at all. I'm currently enjoying my PFB and I know what you mean about being in a little bubble, just mummy and baby where it's all blissful and happy. I can understand why you'd feel upset at the thought of not having been able to enjoy your newborns as much as you wished you could have.

I'm sure you did wonderfully though and I'm sure your children think you're a brilliant mom

YANBU
I had the exact same feelings. I used to have this inner rage about it all.
So many people used to say the same about wanting twins and I used to just fix them with an icy stare.
It will get so much easier, I promise you

The time with my PFB was the worst time of my life. He was planned, anticipated, wanted, loved. But I found it hell on earth. My head was in a mess, it was all I could do to sit like a zombie all day wondering how I would ever be capable of cleaning my teeth again.

Ds3 was born almost 4 years later; I got pre schooler to nursery - the pfb, toddler to toddler groups, cooked, cleaned, entertained, all whilst walking around breastfeeding said ds3. Life was a breeze.

I'd love to go back to pfb days, but only as the subsequent person I was. Not the one I was at the time.

For me it just took practice. By nature of the thing it is, that is an impossibility. A pfb is a pfb, and you don't know how it'll work out, and you can't go back and change those early months.

I understand your jealousy. I had severe pnd, as a result there are chunks of DSs early month which I just dont remember. Id love to recall them, but they are just a blank. My days were an unremitting chore of getting through without harming myself- DS was cared for and sorted, I just dont feel connected to his life from about 6 weeks to 9 months.

I dont have any words of wisdom about dealing with it. I think I have just accepted that others had a different experience to me, which have lead to different life choices- we didn`t risk having another child. In the end, we are both here and thats great!

I didn't have twins but did have a very difficult, non sleeping, demanding baby with pnd to boot.

I constantly felt jealous of others with settled, contented baby's who slept 7-7 every night, no croup then colic then sailed through teething with no issues at all.

Then toddlers/ small children who would sit nicely in shopping trolleys, push chairs, would hold hands on days out, calmly eat a sandwich in a cafe while mum supped tea & ate cake in peace.

I feel very much that I was missing a happy life. Instead I was fucking miserable & depressed, felt I couldn't cope, was a shite mum with a shit for a kid.

Awful dark days,

Pnd put paid to my PFB bubble days.

I had a singleton but she had undiagnosed dairy intolerances and slept as little as 5-6 hours out of 24 (HVs seemed sure I was making it up), it was hell on earth and I will never stop being jealous of those that breezed through the first year. So yanbu to look back with sadness but yabu to think we all had it easy just because we only one at a time.

YANBU but they probably weren't finding it as easy as they made it look.

I had previously thought I would have loved twins in a romanticised sort of a way but had fb and he was a Velcro non sleeper and I found it hard and remember thinking " I am so fucking glad he wasn't twins"

So I think that Yabu as everyone's experience differs - there will be parents of twins who found their twosome easier than others find their singletons - all depends on the baby/babies and the parents and what life throws at them at the time - your twins have something v special and unique and I doubt they were aware of how frazzled their dmum was.

No twins here but i can totally sympathise. I mourn my PFB days. I whittled them away. Didn't even join an NCT group. Only really made any 'mum' friends since moving to nappy valley when DD1 was 2 and by then a stale old toddler. Now i have 2 kids and I want that PFB feeling. I also am struggling day to day. Everything is a battle. Even making a bloody decision like what to feed them for lunch gives me anxiety.
I am lucky in that my first dip into parenthood wasn't double the intensity... I am in total awe of you are other twin parents I know. And i would never have been one of those parents who said 'oh i wish i had twins' (and i secretly suspect they said it to you to be all 'no you're awesome...no YOU'RE awesome...no you're MORE awesome...' Kind of way) but i personally can't even look at a pregnant woman without wanting to run up to her and say "WATCH ALLLL THE MOOOVIES! EAT ALLLL THE HOT MEALS!!! MAKE DECISIONS EASILY AND ENJOY NOT LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK!!" But for obvious reasons I don't.

I think yanbu to say that having twins was hard work and a lot more difficult for you than new parents with one child.
But yabu to assume that it is only those with twins that have a hard time.
My son didn't sleep from day one - he really didn't sleep, my first few months were a fog and I refused invitations to join in with others and make new friends - I felt 'out of it'.
As he moved towards being a toddler his behaviour became more and more challenging and the sleep didn't improve. He is autistic. And at 17 it is even harder.
So, I feel jealous of parents with neurotypical kids whether they had twins, triplets whatever and feel that they have it much 'easier' than my son or my family and that we and my son miss out

Yanbu at all, I really feel for you. You had a particularly rough start. No shame in feeling like you do.

I had a singleton but I had PND for the first year and it eats me up looking back.

There's 27 months between my two...seems like a lot but I can't even properly remember what it was like with just ds1. I just remember having a toddler and newborn/3 and 1 year old etc.

It is bloody difficult. The dc are 7 and 4 (nearly 5) now and we're thinking of TTC next year so will hopefully have dc3 when they're 9 and 7.

It almost feels like starting again. The dc are fairly self sufficient iyswim and I'm determined to enjoy the baby phase. Dh would love 4 and likes the age gap with dc so has suggested having another 2 close together...not on your nelly.

knowing my luck we'll have flipping twins

I understand a bit of where you are coming from. My pfb died suddenly at 4 days old. When pregnant with DC2 it was a difficult time and I was jealous of others who appeared to sail through pregnancy with nothing to worry about.

Then after DC2 was born I found it really difficult as I was very anxious that she would die to. So was a bit jealous that others did not have this worry. However I went to groups etc and did not tell anyone about DC1. So to the outside world I looked like a normal first timer with just the normal worries.

Not everyone finds it as easy as they make it look.

I had PND with my DS, and split with his dad mid pregnancy so as time ticks on I am hoping that I might get the PFB feeling with any children I may have in the future.

Doesn't meant my son won't mean the world to me still, I just think the person I am now is far more equipped to have a newborn about, especially with the potential of being with a man who wants the baby as much as me. Only time will tell, but yes, I know where you're coming from and no YANBU.

I have a 14 week old and I'm really not in a pfb blissful bubble. I have pnd, both I and my baby were very ill after the birth, and because I lost my mother and brother in the last four years due to random sudden illness, I'm terrified I'll lose my son or his dad. I find looking after him stressful and boring at the same time. He has a milk protein allergy and that combined with colic meant he spent his first eight weeks screaming whenever he was awake. And I do mean whenever he was awake. Now if he cries I feel sick and I often start crying myself because I'm so scared he won't stop for hours, evn though he's pretty easy to settle now. I look at my NCT friends and their babies and wonder what it must be like to be in a blissful bubble... So I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like you missed out. Well, I feel the same way and obviously I'm never unreasonable, so you can't be!

Well thank you for the NBU's. I understand that not everyone had a rosy time even with one but it helps to be told it because frankly I am so lucky and need to be told. My kids are all healthy and we have a roof over our heads and enough food to eat...and we're all still here.

My x4 DC under 5 with three bouts of PND is a long time ago now but I do worry about how I may have 'hurt' the kids (particularly the DT's) by not giving them as much love as I saw around me. All I could do some of the time was just the basics. However not much I can do about it now other than feel a little wistful whilst putting on yet another load of washing.

It might have looked idyllic, but I was certainly never in a happy bubble, with crippling post-natal anxiety. I look back and it makes me frightened again.

Just reread that and it sounds rather unfeeling. What I mean to say is, I absolutely do not think you provided any less love to your twins than the rest of us did to our singletons. I'm racked with guilt at how I dealt with the PFB stage, even though I know it was not my fault I developed PNA. This probably doesn't help much, but so many of us feel that way; I think you have to do the best you can in the here and now and let what you can't change go.

Very similar experience here - twins followed by DC3 2 years and 1 day later.

Premmie twins delivered by Crash EMCS and in SCBU for nearly 6 weeks. I have no memory of the first time I met my twins only a picture showing my hand reaching out from my hospital bed into the incubator. I even denied it was me for a long time because I remember meeting my twins for the first time when I was in a wheelchair! Diagnosed with PND when they were 5 months old. I wanted so much for my PFB experience to be different. I didn't want to give my kids their first bath in hospital, I wanted to be able to dress them in the clothes I had bought for them not ratch around in the drawer labelled v v small

When people asked me how I coped with twins my answer was 'I don't'

Anyway think this experience made me quickly push on for DC3 - hoping it would all be better / different. It was to an extent but DC3 had a medical issue that was not fully resolved until he was 6 months old and I had toddler twins running around LOL! It was different and I was left with less angst, I do have a calmer 'it was what it was' attitude surrounding DC3's birth and early days now.

I can not describe the day my twins were born as the happiest day of my life as when I woke from the GA I had to ask if my babies were alive I try so hard to leave these things behind and for the most part I manage but the birthdays cause a massive conflict in my emotions every.single. year. and my kids are teens now!

I do understand that from the outside looking in things look / looked a lot different to the reality for all new parents and I try not to be jealous but sometimes it is / was so hard not to just ache for the perceived PFB experience.

So YANBU, I know how you feel.

YADNBU but it's more about those parents who seem to breeze through it. I had 3 under 3 (would have been 4 under 3 but one of my DTs died at 24 hours - it was expected). I lived in a fog for years, not helped by the fact that DH worked abroad Mon - Fri! Famous bad day was when I hadn't even got dressed (dd1 teething) and dh phoned that night to say Robbie Williams and Kiri te Kanawa were in the same (5*) hotel bar. The air was pretty blue. My big 3 are all grown up now and get on really well. Little one is 11. It's still chaos at home when they are all here but lovely.