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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be jealous of PFB parents

38 replies

idiuntno57 · 22/02/2015 17:41

So first DC were twins. At the time life was just about coping. They were very premature and I was very ill. When I eventually got my head above the parapit my NCT group were all wafting around with their singleton babies in slings, drinking coffee and arranging meets which I couldn't logistically do (think double buggy and obstreporous bus drivers). They were wonderfully, totally and utterly self obsessed. Nothing seemed to get between them and their babies.

It felt like my life was just all about getting through the day. Making sure we were all fed, clean and alive. I loved my DC of course but I don't think it was the complete inability to see anything outside my bubble love that I observed. I was jealous. When people used to say things like "I wish I had twins" I'd want to scream at them "REALLY. Do you REALLY know what you are saying??"

Now more than 10 years down the line I know (and have always known) that I am very lucky. I have had two more DC although that in itself was a challenge (think x4 kids under 5). However I can't shake the feeling that I missed out and perhaps my DT's did too.

AIBU?

OP posts:

slippermaiden · 22/02/2015 20:04

Don't think having twins was the problem, think having them early was, so any parent of a prem baby will be able to relate to how you feel.

rattling · 22/02/2015 20:23

When asked how I coped with twins my response is always "Badly". I have only recently come to terms with the first year with my boys. They were 8 weeks prem, but healthy, and either one of them would have been an absurdly easy baby. The combination of them not so much. I even was hit with absurd broodiness for the first time ever when they got to about 2 (they were wanted and planned, paid for even by IVF in the end, but the aim was for a child not the broodiness for a baby) which I knew was just down to wanting to go back and do it "right".

My low point was not long after they started walking I met up with my best friend and her son who is 6 months older. Location was chosen by me as very safe so I could watch them both toddle off in opposite directions and know there wouldn't be anything on the ground to hurt them. Friend spent the time next to her son discussing the lifecycles of beetles they found while I scoped out sightlines and estimated necessary recovery times to allow me to retrieve one without leaving the other in danger. Then she wanted us to go look at the rock pools!!

Actually I would probably have been a shit mother to a single baby - they really aren't my thing. I always expected to start enjoying them around school age - actually they have been pretty fun since they turned 3.

DamFineBeaver · 22/02/2015 20:34

I'm so sorry to all of you who have had such a hard time, & especially those who have lost DC

I had a text book birth, well behaved DS, looked glossy with snapped-back figure etc, & was envy of many. Yet i had horrendous anxiety and OCD and didn't feel human again for nearly 5 years. Almost no one knew. I still lose sleep several nights a week feeling guilty about it.

Mama1980 · 22/02/2015 20:42

I have two birth sons born at 26 and 24 weeks respectively. I totally relate. I nearly died having them both. Especially with ds1 who was very ill and the first 18 months of his life was all about staying alive, while other mums got to go on day trips I got to resuscitate my baby. The end of the day alive was a achievement.
Even now 7 years later, it hurts and yes I'm jealous of my sil s who get to have beautiful pfb cuddles with my blessedly healthy nieces and nephews and go to mum and baby groups. Though of course I'd never wish it any other way.
I relate to what you say and think it's a Prem thing I never met a baby if a premmie who didn't feel somewhat the same way. Sorry I have no advice as such but you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

Beatrixemerald · 22/02/2015 20:51

I think things are often not quite what they seem. I am in pfb bubble, dd is 8 months and its bliss (although she doesn't sleep!). I love every second of mat leave, have made loads of new friends and have a busier schedule than when I was working full time.
However, no one sees the nights where my husband would scream at me to shut up when I was sobbing due to one hours sleep or the fact I found out he had been sneaking around using drugs behind my back or the fact he attacked me with dd in my arms when she was 3 months old.
He is in a recovery programme for addiction and enroled on a programme for domestic abuse and its a work in progress.
So I guess what I am saying is you never really know what's going on underneath.

TwoOddSocks · 22/02/2015 20:52

My uncle and aunt had IVF twins (then a surprise third baby 18 months later) they both said they wished they'd had time to enjoy just one.

My other aunt also had twins and joined the "twin club" in her village but said all the talks were either from relate or the samaritans which made her think she was destined to either get depressed or divorced. She didn't do either but said that having her third baby 10 years after the twins was a completely different experience and she was glad to have had that experience as well.

YANBU but you probably should try not to dwell. I think parenthood especially first time parenthood never turns out exactly as you imagine. I'm sure plenty of those NCT mums were having a hard time and just didn't admit it (I was). Just be proud you survived!

ElmerRocks · 22/02/2015 21:05

YANBU
Twins were my firstborn too, 6 weeks early, EMCS, in SCUBU for 3 weeks. Tbh I look back and think did I do enough, did I do too much?
I have another child now, and I feel like I do more with her, even though I know I don't IYSWIM, in fact I probably do less... I think it's because she commands more of my actual presence, not having a twin to play with.
The first 3 weeks were a haze, I was young, and in the process of moving out, we finally found somewhere while the twins were still in hospital.
I didn't see them until the next day because I had to be put right under for my C-Section. The nursing staff were awful at the time, and wouldn't let us in to see them as much as I wanted to. I literally saw them for a few hours here and there during the day.
I wish things had been different, I wish I'd been as strong then as I am now.
They were also very poorly babies for the first few years, as a result of being prem. Which made things seem bleak sometimes.

BUT despite all the things I think went wrong, or could have gone better, we are such a close family. We are doing so well as a unit. Twins have thrived, doing well at school, love their sister. Have such an amazing bond, so I think, it can't have been all bad.
I know how you feel, you are not alone. But I bet, like me, it wasn't as bad as you sometimes think it was.

chutneypig · 22/02/2015 21:22

YANBU. I'm not saying I feel massively resentful, perhaps more wistful as I look back. Getting anywhere was a logistical nightmare. I struggled to get the double buggy into the drs surgery for weigh ins, never mind anywhere social. That side of maternity leave just didn't happen for me.

Things didn't start off well because I was very ill post birth. I'm very grateful the babies were well, but once the immediate danger to my life passed, it was swept right under the carpet. Professional support was appalling.

That said, DH and I coped and are a very strong unit. I travel a fair amount for work. People are often astonished he gets on with it with no help, it's just not a question for us, we just did it and both shared tasks early on. That's continued.

Now, with the twins aged seven, there are many advantages. Apart from the fighting. My grandmother had told me as much, having first born twins herself and I did hold on to that going through the early years.

seaoflove · 22/02/2015 21:28

It's ok to feel regrets like that.

I had PND and the first four months of my DD's life are just a blank. No wafting around with NCT friends for me either. I wish it could have been different too.

Roseotto · 22/02/2015 23:09

I can see why you feel the way you do, but I lost a twin (fairly early but still after 12 week scan). I guess the grass is always greener :(

MissingToy2015 · 22/02/2015 23:16

YANBU
I think it's probably natural to look back and have regrets. I had a very easy baby, and absolutely loved my maternity leave. But it was also the time that my long-term relationship - which I had thought was rock solid - fell apart, and as a result I never had any more children (and probably never will now). So I also feel quite bittersweet about the whole thing.
for you

kbbeanie · 22/02/2015 23:33

I think it might look like they are in a blissful bubble but the reality might be far from that. I think to everyone who knew me i was in this blissful bubble but it was far from the truth...in reality i was pushing myself to go out and act normal for just a couple of hours but behind closed doors i was falling apart. Struggled with awful pnd followed then by anxiety. Its only now that pfb is almost 3 that i start to feel like im coming out the other side of it all..and to this day even my very closest of friends and most of the family don't even know i struggled or had pnd as i painted on this happy face when i went out and hid the truth x

missingmumxox · 22/02/2015 23:49

My twins are 10 to, and I have often said I wish I could have had that 1 child moment with both of them.
That said I was so organised I used to get fed up with friends with singletons who would always be late, insist on meet ups being round "naps" they will sleep or they don't make up later.

Many a time on mat leave I would think God having one must be Sooo boring
Then they walked ahhh! 9 and 11 months old, I had been told as boys and twins they would be late walking...
Up side I lost a stone and a half in 3 months
Worst is like people have said just keeping an eye, they can misbehave in a manner parents of singletons will never understand

I am now fortunate that 3 cousins have had twins the oldest are 3 NOW my greater family are not judging

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