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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of flakey people?

39 replies

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 16:16

Is this just people I know or is it widespread? Just had a weekend of it. Were supposed to go away with a couple for the weekend but they bailed due to one having a cold, then planned something for today to apologise but have now bailed on that too for a different reason, but want to reschedule for next week.

Why do some people make plans that they never stick to? We get on brilliantly when we do see them, and they initiate at least 50% of the contact but I barely bother saving the dates they talk about as I just know something will crop up and it won't happen.

I have another friend who does this, but suffers from depression and I totally get it in her case. It's the hassle factor with the others though which drives me nuts. I love them but the friendship is becoming exhausting.

OP posts:

Alphonso · 22/02/2015 16:30

Sounds frustrating. Do they know you're pissed off? Are they apologetic? I have always tended to flakiness due to disorganisation (I get distracted easily, double book myself, forget to write meetings down etc) and recently hard events in my family life have meant that there are too many conflicting demands on my time and I really do sometimes have to bail at the last moment. But I don't expect my friends to like it and am very apologetic. I would find flakiness without any sense of taking responsibility quite wearing.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 22/02/2015 16:34

Ha - there is always one. I don't even bother getting a babysitter when someone I know asks me to meet up anymore.

bonhomme · 22/02/2015 16:37

It's just bad manners

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 16:38

I don't think they realise I'm upset. I'm generally fairly laid back. They did it to another friend recently on a special birthday. Decided on the night they didn't want to eat at the booked restaurant so turned up an hour late and sat there with a drink each. Then went back to the same place themselves to eat there the next day

I'm starting to realise they can never just fall in with what's been planned, unless it's them planning it. I think I'm going to have to distance myself as it's under my skin now.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 22/02/2015 16:50

I blame mobiles! When I was a young woman my friends never ever let me down, if something was arranged everyone turned up at the right time.
Nowadays my daughters who are in their 20's are always being let down by friends; its just too easy to send a lame excuse by text.

BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2015 16:53

Yes I had one like this.

I have finally given up after many years of last minute cancellations for spurious reasons.

The latest is not even bothering with a card for my recent milestone birthday but her dropping a line suggesting that our whole group of friends who all turn the same age this school year meet up in the new year to celebrate "all our" milestone birthdays (ie hers). Um no, think I'll pass celebrating your birthday when you couldn't even stick a card in the post for me, love.

MartinJD · 22/02/2015 16:55

I dont wish to sound rude here, but perhaps they don't actually like you? I know you say they sometimes initiate contact, could this just be because they feel obliged and/or one of them can't really be bothered but begrudgingly agrees to keep their parter happy.

I would say the latter is more common then people think. If you like someone, you're not flakey because you look forward to spending time with them. You make it happen.

wartsnall · 22/02/2015 17:08

I hate flakeyness
Drives me mad but my friends know how much I can't stand it and tend to try their best not be so flakey with me.

TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 22/02/2015 17:10

I dont wish to sound rude here

...but that's not going to stop me, anyway.

CruCru · 22/02/2015 17:16

I have some friends like this. We have a great time when we do meet but they cancel at the last minute about 50% of the time. They do it to other people I know as well.

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 17:18

It's Aibu, I can take it!

If they don't like us, they could bin us off with very little effort. We don't cross paths for any reason. They could just stop inviting us to things. They've asked us to join them on holiday this year and we've spent Christmas together before so I don't think they dislike us. Plus we're not the only ones it happens to.

Am wondering if I can say this directly to them somehow.

OP posts:

chimchimini · 22/02/2015 17:27

How about next time you try and arrange a get together you say something like 'I'll write that on the calendar in pencil because you know what you two are like for changing things'. Say it with a smile so they can't take offence. Turn it into a joke and they might get the hint. Or cancel on them at the last minute a few times.

Summerisle1 · 22/02/2015 17:44

YANBU. It's bad manners and when it becomes a habit, is inexcusable really.

I'm really not sure how you deal with people like this other than by not really committing yourself to doing stuff with them or at least, being prepared to be let down. Neither of which are great alternatives.

A group of us in a performing group are struggling with a flaky friend right now. She's always one of the first to say yes to an event but more often than not bales out at the last minute with a series of vague excuses. I suspect she's committing herself to doing too much but unfortunately we're now getting rather cynical and simply don't count her into the final numbers. That way we aren't left up the creek when she sends her predictably late apologies. Unfortunately, I can't see the friendship being sustainable in the long run which is a shame. If she wasn't so flaky she'd be great company.

ShaturdayNight · 22/02/2015 18:37

I hate flakiness and tend to ditch people that are like this. Funnily enough flakey people are often mortally offended if you ever cancel on them!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 22/02/2015 18:47

I'm a naturally flakey person who actually hates flakey people because it annoys me so much when people piss me about with plans. I made special effort to not do flakey things once I realised just how bloody annoying it really is.

Hathall · 22/02/2015 18:51

Yanbu op.
I have one particular 'friend' who is flakey like this. She hardly ever turns up due to some sudden and unexpected long-winded reason.
She wanted me to organise a meet up in the next week or so but I refused. I asked her to organise it as she has a habit of not attending and she flatly denied it.
I can't be bothered anymore and I think she's realised and has been desperately trying to communicate to our group of friends to organise something.
I think it's worth pointing out to them what you think before you stop bothering with them. They may realise and change their ways if they value your friendship.

CodswallopPie · 22/02/2015 18:55

I'm a bit upset at a friend at the minute. She invited me out somewhere for my birthday as she had a voucher to get in free (for me) and another friend was coming too. I wasn't really that bothered about the thing but thought it'd be nice to see friend as we don't see much of each other any more. So 2 days before my bday she told me she'd had a better offer as another friend was going out for her birthday and she wanted to go with her.(yes she actually said that) so I could just go with my other friend...charming! And I have helped her so much this year too. I'm starting to realise how much people use me :(

CodswallopPie · 22/02/2015 18:56

Oh and the "free" voucher had t&cs so I ended up spending £40 anyhow.

thenightsky · 22/02/2015 19:02

Bloody hell codswallop... I'd not bother with her anymore

pixiestixie84 · 22/02/2015 19:12

Some people are just like this, and if you are not it is incredibly frustrating. They get to the day, get a better offer, forget, can't be arsed... Whatever. When I was a child my parents ALWAYS made me honour my commitments (which I hated at the time) but now I am glad they did- it taught me a good lesson! I think the flakey friends either don't realise or don't care that the message they are sending to you is that they don't really value you or your time.

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 19:17

Pixie, my parents were the same. It was drummed into me that you turned up on time and didn't let people down unless absolutely necessary.

I also think it's ruder to do it via text rather than a phone call - I bet if I look back through my text history with this friend, it's a string of similar texts.

OP posts:

Trinpy · 22/02/2015 19:18

Yanbu. I have a friend like this who I've currently given up on. Every time we speak she's so eager to meet again, really pushing me to set a date/time, then at the last minute I get a 'sorry, can't make it, really tiring day at work'. I'd invited her over for a cup of tea not a bloody 3 day hike!!! But no, I'm sure her office job is so tiring she can't possibly prise herself off her sofa to travel 5 mins down the road to sit on my sofa .

You need to confront the flakiness.

KERALA1 · 22/02/2015 19:23

We had friends that did this. Hilariously they were public school educated and keen to say how those schools instilled manners. Yet they would bail from dinner parties with half an hours notice - frequently and for spurious reasons did it to several other friends too. Then wonder why they are never invited now. Can't think why?!

misssmilla1 · 22/02/2015 19:32

carly I have a friend couple who are like this and tbh it baffles me. We get on great, but don't see each other that often and have to make plans to see each other iyswim. I put out emails a couple of times about plans they didn't reply to, and our wedding (which we gave 9 months notice for) they cancelled with crapulous excuses.

I had no illusion that maybe they'd decided they wanted to not see us any more, and I was fine with that. However, I then got a stream of emails from both of them being really chatty and how we MUST meet up as its really sad we don't see each other, and they were quite emotional about it (and they're not the type to be false about this stuff) Setting a date to then meet was difficult; dinner was great when we finally made it, but now I'm left thinking what next??

Tempted to go off and be a hermit

KERALA1 · 22/02/2015 19:34

With flakey people I get the message pretty fast that they don't give two hoots about me and don't ever ask them to anything ever again. Sorted! Plenty of other people keen to spend time with us.

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