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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of flakey people?

39 replies

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 16:16

Is this just people I know or is it widespread? Just had a weekend of it. Were supposed to go away with a couple for the weekend but they bailed due to one having a cold, then planned something for today to apologise but have now bailed on that too for a different reason, but want to reschedule for next week.

Why do some people make plans that they never stick to? We get on brilliantly when we do see them, and they initiate at least 50% of the contact but I barely bother saving the dates they talk about as I just know something will crop up and it won't happen.

I have another friend who does this, but suffers from depression and I totally get it in her case. It's the hassle factor with the others though which drives me nuts. I love them but the friendship is becoming exhausting.

OP posts:

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 22/02/2015 19:40

I have a flakey past but I've tried exceptionally hard to de-flake.

I've been on the receiving end of it a couple of times with flakey mums cancelling dates for their LO to play with DD1, both times with no notice at all, just didn't turn up and then a lame excuse.

rebus1 · 22/02/2015 19:45

I have a friend like this too, it is so annoying! I'd second what another poster said about making a bit of a joke about putting it on the calendar in pencil. If they don't get the hint then tell them straight how annoying it is.

With my flakey friend I've started to say I'm going to x let me know if she wants to come along and I just assume she won't. I never make any arrangements that would inconvenience me if they were to be cancelled.

Luciferbox · 22/02/2015 19:48

YANBU. I set up loads of catch ups/ evenings/ play dates this half term and not one happened. Everyone except me seems unable to stick to agreed plan. It's just rude.

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 19:53

I've just remembered that on one occasion we were sitting in a restaurant, at a table for 6 for a do I'd arranged as a surprise for dp - they were ten minutes late and i then got the call to say they weren't coming due to a family emergency. It was a genuine thing, but why they hadn't contacted me once they knew they hadn't left home and therefore weren't coming (which would have been at least 45 mins earlier) I couldn't understand.

I felt awful for Dp. There's always a reason for these things but it all amounts to flakiness on a grand scale.

OP posts:

guilianna · 22/02/2015 19:53

I'm flaky and it stresses me out. Was supposed to meet friend on Sat, arranged for ages, dropped phone en route and couldn't find his flat, so had to go home again. Was gutted.

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 20:05

But guilianna, it doesn't sound as though you're inconsiderate with it, which means you probably aren't as flakey as you think. That kind of incident would happen to me. And I'd be equally annoyed with myself

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/02/2015 20:05

Agree with rebus. The best thing to do is to make sure that their presence is a "nice to have" for an event - not a necessity.

So next time you arrange a w/e away with them make sure it is something that you (and your dp/dh???) want to do anyway. If they bail then go anyway! (obviously harder if just you - your post doesn't say.)

I have a friend like that. If I'm due to meet her I make sure that either we are going somewhere I'm happy to go alone or that I invite others along. If they come - great. If not - I'm not that bothered.....

guilianna · 22/02/2015 20:08

thanks carly - feel a bit better about it now!

rootypig · 22/02/2015 20:10

YANBU OP. I also blame mobiles, Fairyliz, the fact that you can do it last minute but also not face someone and actually say the words makes it too easy, it's impersonal.

But also I think we have this culture (social media probably at work) where people feel they have to be out and doing fun things!!! all the time!!! and have more acquaintances they keep up with as well. So people overcommit. And we have this idea we can do everything, and at speed, so will arrange to see a friend in the morning, then get across town to see someone else later, and it just was never going to be possible to be on time.

What is more realistic - and makes people happier - is a close knit group of friends that meets regularly. But many of us don't have that these days. It's interesting.

guilianna, what do you think makes you flaky?

I have a friend like this, and did something like chimchim suggested, but with all hint of blame removed. Just - I'll put it in, but I won't count on it. Something like that. It definitely registered and she didn't seem put out.

CinammonGirl · 22/02/2015 20:10

YANBU. I have a friend like this. We make arrangements and she always cancels last minute (or sometimes even when she is already late and I am waiting for her). Recently I have completely backed off and I haven't heard from her since the last time she cancelled. If someone really wants to spend time with you, they find a way to do it so as hurtful as it is, I've kind of just cut my losses.

CheekyWeeGandT · 22/02/2015 20:21

I have someone like this too and it is starting to fuck me off. Most recent experience was her coming round for dinner and she texted as I was preparing our food that she was tired from work so wouldn't make it. It is so bloody rude.

Original poster

carlywurly · 22/02/2015 20:22

Mumoftwo, that makes a lot of sense and is what we generally do. I think that's how we've put up with it for a while, but when it's an occasion it feels like more of a snub iyswim.

OP posts:

PerpendicularVincenzo · 22/02/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stayanotherday · 22/02/2015 23:22

Yanbu. I hate this. I had a friend who was lonely, no family, few friends, never wrked, lives in rural village. She used to text me 10 - 20 times every day. She kept saying we must go out etc. Arrangements would be made few days or a week before. On the day there was always a problem yet she has nothing else to do. I would text back, that's a shame then 10 texts would follow her sounding like pouting child. This was for coffee/cafe lunch locally. I work full time, sole carer. I have time for people but not for over complicated people, immatures, flakes and drama anymore. I stopped making arrangements.

This also happened with somebody else years ago who had nobody etc. The arrangements were always suggested by her and backed out at last minute. After many times I texted back I'm not doing this anymore. I've got wise to this now and will be upfront with people. They hate it and wonder why nobody bothers.

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