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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Roll up and come and tell me if AIBU. I can take it!

35 replies

Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 22:26

Probably am but pissed off and fed up!

Am a SAHM and gagging to go back to work. I'm fed up of these four fucking walls. Fed up of being the house skivvy. The plan is for me to start at our new business in a couple of months when it's grown a bit.

Dp doesn't really pull his weight, he brings home the wage and I'm expected to do all the wifely things with out actually being one. He is supposed to spend all day Saturday with dd (20 months) as he only sees her in the morning before work. Supposed to take her out, visit mil ect anything so I get a fucking break. Sunday he plays football then it's football on the telly all afternoon, so even if he is in the house- he might as well be made out of fucking stone for all the use he is.

Now the Saturday outings have tailered off... Needing to see a friend here, visiting relative there, tired, sore hip ect..

I used to go running at night - which I loved. But now dp is going to the gym after work, which I fully support as he needs it, by the time he gets back it's too late for me to go. So I actually don't go anywhere at the moment apart unless dd is with me.

Last night dp said he was going for a meal with his mother and brother. Cool. Me and mil don't get on so if he sees her on his own it's a bonus. This morning he trots off to football, not his team, but he managed to get a game - still ok, he is trying to lose weight it's fine. He then comes back and starts pissing about with his brother doing 'odd jobs' at bils house. Ok. Dd was starting to get sick so wouldn't have been able to go. But he had not even fucking noticed at this point. He then comes back after a couple of hours, dd not well at all, crying wanting cuddles and temp. When he comes back he says his dad has booked for all his family to go go-karting.

Now at this point, I'm fed up. I'm struggling with dd who is crying like a maniac and I don't feel great myself. And I need a fucking break. My day is like ground hog day. One day I would just like a bit of help! So I say he is being selfish and go and get on my bed with dd. She falls asleep. This was at 4pm. He comes up, hugs me says he loves me and he will book us a weekend away (great so I can do all the same shit in a cottage somewhere else) after cuddling for about ten mins, he then gets up and say ' you don't mind me going do you ?" So after the 'makng up' I feel a bit shit saying no and say yes. He fucks off out. Cue dd waking up feeling like shit.

Now I know he is going out with his mum, so was expecting him back around seven and was actually going to ask him to stay in or at least see how ill dd was and choose to stay in. Come half seven no sign of him. Then I phone him. Phone off. Then I phone his dad who passes phone over. He had gone straight to the meal from go-karting. No thought to check up on dd, nothing.

Dd finally went up at 9:30 and he has just got in. Slid in to bed at the side of me so I slid out before I punched him in the throat.

He has just sent me a message saying I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 22:35

No one? Jeez quiet crowd tonight....

OP posts:
APlaceInTheWinter · 21/02/2015 22:37

YANBU. I think you've probably been too reasonable for too long and now your DP doesn't actually appreciate how much free time he has.

Stop putting his needs before your's. There needs to be a balance eg he goes to the gym three nights, and you get to go running on the other three nights. You need to make him see that your time is as important as his and that you need a break. Assume that he'll look after your DD on Saturdays as agreed, make plans of your own, go out and leave them to it.

Have some Wine and Cake you sound like you need it.

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 22:41

Thank you aplace I'll chug and scoff that back Smile

His excuse is he doesn't get to go out for meals with his family a lot. They live on the adjacent street to us so he sees them daily. Today just took the piss.

OP posts:
GokTwo · 21/02/2015 22:45

Crikey, Yanbu at all. He is being extremely selfish! I'm really shocked actually at how thoughtless he has been. Going to the gym after work but then not returning till late so you can't go swimming? Arranging to go out for meals and activities with "his family" and leaving you at home with sick Dd!
Seriously, if I were you I'd tell him very firmly that things have to change.

GokTwo · 21/02/2015 22:46

Sorry, running, not swimming!

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/02/2015 22:46

It's so difficult isn't it - don't say anything and you end up - well, just like your situation. Do say something and you'll be regarded as an unreasonable screeching banshee! But I do think DP needs a bit of a reality check although quite how you're going to achieve that I don't know but YAdefinitelyNBU.

Ruralninja · 21/02/2015 22:47

I dunno - my dh works away Monday to Friday and does about 4 hours child care at the weekend. I do everything else but he works hard. I'm not sure if yabu or not. I think more to the point is, do you like each other?

GetSober · 21/02/2015 22:49

YANBU. He is being a tool (except an actual tool would be more use, of course).

BitchBags · 21/02/2015 22:50

No yanbu at all! You need to tell him to step up and Take some more responsibility. Would he be ok if you did the same to him? I'm guessing the answer is no.
sorry your dp is being such a douche. I hope you get a day off soon

antimatter · 21/02/2015 22:50

Can you give me one good reason why he has to go to the gym every night?????

He got used tobyour goid nature and is abusing it. He hust doesn't want to help because that is easier for him.

whattodoowiththeleftoverturkey · 21/02/2015 22:51

I think you need to get someone to look after DD for a few hours (when she's over this bout of illness), get a takeaway and talk honestly with him and agree some balance.

Until then, I suggest you get your running gear on ready for when he gets back from football tomorrow. He can take care of DD while you have a run and a leisurely shower. Then go out for Sunday lunch?

He knows he's taking the piss.

I hope DD is brighter soon.

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 22:53

rural I brought dd1 up on my own for 15 years but now I'm not on my own with dd2 so dp has to/should pull his weight. I work hard looking after dd, just because I'm at home doesn't mean I'm sat on my arse. Your fours hours is more than I get and dp is here all week.

Yep we do like each other but I think he is taking me a bit for granted - plus I felt he manipulated me a bit by smooching me upstairs.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 21/02/2015 22:53

How often do you get to see your family? I completley get the needing a break.

I agree with APlaceinWinter the free time needs to be more fairly shared out, equal time for gym/running. Free time at the weekend even if they don't go out he is in charge.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/02/2015 22:54

YANBU Smile

I too remember this feeling.

You're ready to get some of "you" back , through work , leisure etc etc.

Go get it!

Readdress the balance and you will feel heaps better Thanks and your DP will also appreciate you SO you much more.

If my DH takes time out for himself now - I take exactly that time back -it was a great wake up call for him and encouraged him to use his time more thoughtfully and wisely.

Shakey1500 · 21/02/2015 22:54

YANBU about the situation (s) of course, however YABU to not be jumping up and down going batshit crazy about it to him and spelling things out. Why be so accommodating to his "needs" and "wants"? I say this with respect and of course the ideal being that you absolutely shouldn't have to but it is what it is. I was in a similar situation and had to do something. Thanks

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 22:56

anti dh is over weight. He needs all the time he can get in the gym, his health is being effected by it.

I will go for a run in the morning. I know this sounds awful but I don't want a day out with them both I just want to spend time with me.

I'm going to ask him to go gym before work in future.

OP posts:
MrsCs · 21/02/2015 22:58

What a jerk!! I agree with the above posts about taking turns but I think you should tell him you don't want a weekend away together, instead you want a spa night for you (maybe a friend too) and he can look after his daughter, get a glimpse of how hard it is!! Hope you are feeling a little less stressed now x

Original poster
Allingoodfaith · 21/02/2015 23:00

blessed I so am ready. Things need to change.

shakey I do spell it out and have done before but I'm too laid back and before I know it ,it's happened again.

OP posts:
Jackw · 21/02/2015 23:01

YANBU. You want your Saturdays and you want your evening runs. Perfectly reasonable.

Jackw · 21/02/2015 23:06

Also, I note you are not married. How financially Ok are you going to be if you split? Presumably you have no income at the moment. Who owns the house and business? If you work for the business and then split will you be jobless and homeless?

antimatter · 22/02/2015 00:34

I know some men lose weight easily with exercises but this is not an excuse to make you give up your 60 min off your sanity depends on!!!

Is he eating healthily as well?

Stop him having all time off or you'll be separating from him very soon.

wartsnall · 22/02/2015 00:50

Think you and dp need to get back on track and on same wave-length as it sounds like separate lives. Yanbu at all.

WhyHasTheGinGone · 22/02/2015 01:17

YANBU at all. He's being incredibly selfish and needs to be pulled up on it.

If his weight really is an issue can he work out in the house a few nights a week rather than going to the gym to give you time for a run? Maybe he could get someone from the gym to put together a programme of squats, sit ups etc or find some workouts online to follow?

tinymeteor · 22/02/2015 01:32

Yanbu. DD belongs to both of you. How come the default is that you're staying in anyway so he might as well be out? You both need tour fair share of time off the clock, and it sounds like he needs to start doing his share of time as the sole parent in charge, if only for a reality check.

paxtecum · 22/02/2015 04:58

Does he eat crisps and chocolate bars, drink beer?
Can he cut down on those to loose weight?

He's being selfish. You need family time together and he needs to look after DD to give you some time to run or whatever.

He seems to prefer the company of his parents and DB at the moment.