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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no

35 replies

ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 20:29

i was in greggs with my children. we just got a sausage roll and drink. kids kept saying can i have this and that. i said no. an old lady said your more strict than i used to be. Then as we were leaving, she said do you mind if i treat your kids to a doughnut. I said they could not have one. as i had already told them no. she looked very offended. but it was more that i did not want to be taking money from an old lady. but on the other hand she was trying to be nice.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 21/02/2015 20:32

Maybe she thought you couldnt afford it

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/02/2015 20:32

I would have said 'yes', given that the old lady offered.

Sirzy · 21/02/2015 20:34

I would have let her but told the children they were for after tea/tomorrow.

CrapBag · 21/02/2015 20:34

Yanbu.

You had already told them no so that was it. Sounds like she was a bit of a soft touch parent and couldn't stand to see a child actually told no.

I have just got a book from the library about strangers to read with the DCs. There is a page about 2 friends not having enough money for something in a shop and a man offering the money. The message is they shouldnt accept as he is a stranger. It wouldnt be sending get your children a good message if you had accepted the womans offer.

BuzzardBird · 21/02/2015 20:34

Why did you say "no" considering you had already given them crap to eat? Grin

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 21/02/2015 20:35

So she said you were strict then offered to buy the children a doughnut that she'd already heard you tell them no they couldn't have?

I don't know, I am sure she meant to be kind to them but you really have to think if a parent has said no, should you really be offering their kids the very thing the parent has said they don't want them to have?

But yes, good point, she was probably trying to be nice thinking maybe the reason you'd said no is money.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 21/02/2015 20:35

YANBU.

Why would you ask if you could buy something when you'd already heard the parent say the DCs couldn't have one?

PtolemysNeedle · 21/02/2015 20:43

YANBU. She shouldn't have interfered. She has no place trying to undermine you and give your children something you have made it clear that you don't want them to have.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 20:46

i dont know if its a nanny/gran thing. i remember my nan doing things like that when my mum had said no.

if i buy you these dont you go telling your mum :)

haha buzz they have the sausage roll and a fizzy drink 2 out of 3 aint bad

OP posts:
rinabean · 21/02/2015 20:48

You said thank you right? If you thanked her for offering it was fine

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 20:52

indeed i did bean

OP posts:
HonourableKortonRepresentative · 21/02/2015 20:56

I'd have said yes and had the doughnut myself. Might even have asked her if she'd mind stretching to the 4-yumyum multipack. Kids wouldn't have got any of 'em Grin

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 21:01

hahaha honour Cake

OP posts:
MrsTedCrilly · 21/02/2015 21:04

YANBU! You thanked her which is nice, but your kids your rules.. If you had said you can't afford it to your kids then I think it was lovely she offered, but if you just said "no" then she wasn't respecting your parenting.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 21:11

oh actually thinking about it. they picked up large drinks. and i had said why cant you have a normal size drink why do you want to go spending my money all the time. then they were moaning. so i had said ok you can have the large ones buts coming out of your money if you do. they had a fiver each and they had 1.50 change left each. so they bought their own drink. so maybe it was because she thought i did not have the money.

OP posts:
lomega · 21/02/2015 21:12

YANBU, she was probably just being kind but I always take this sort of thing to be interfering and nosy. You said thank you to her and that should have sufficed, at the end of the day the parents make the rules!

riverboat1 · 21/02/2015 21:18

Hmm, on the one hand maybe she just wanted the pleasure of giving some young kids a treat, and it was nice of her to want to do that. On the other hand, there are definitely judgemental overtones of 'you're too strict' in her first comment, so I could see how the donut offer would then rankle.

Overall I'm on the fence, I think it's possible that she was ultimately just a sweet lady clumsily trying to make conversation and a nice gesture, but equally it's possible she was being judgey and condescending. I'd have to be there to hear her tone of voice / see her facial expression to be sure.

MidniteScribbler · 21/02/2015 21:18

I think you did the right thing saying no. She was probably trying to be kind, but it's undermining you. If you're children had been little angels, you said 'no, mummy can't afford it this week' and they didn't whinge or moan, then she might have been justified in offering.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 21:22

she did not say i was to strict. her tone was kind as well. once i said no. but thank you... she gave me evils. but that might have been because i upset her because she was just trying to be nice

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/02/2015 21:23

It was not like the children were starving, so she shouldn't have offered.

I tell DS all the time, particularly when he was younger as he wouldn't believe me now, that I can't afford something really cheap. Yes I can, I just think it's crap. Or that he should pay for something himself.
But if you heard me, you could be excused for thinking I was struggling.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 21:28

thats true lweji i could afford it. but they had the sausage roll and drink and then asking for this and that. they had a game bought for them new shoes and school shirts. it was abotu telling them no really. but then i contradicted by saying they could have the large drink if they paid themself

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/02/2015 21:31

But you were basically saying that you are not an unlimited source of money, which is fine in my book.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 21/02/2015 21:34

yeah i guess. and kids dont really understand money even my 12 year old does not really come to think about it neither does the 17 year old... more so with what they cant see... like gas electric things like that.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/02/2015 21:37

Totally would have said yes thanks.

Hakluyt · 21/02/2015 21:45

Nice person tries to do nice thing. Gets handed her arse.

God, Mumsnet is a mean spirited joyless place sometimes. Sad