MILs partner of 25 years threw a book at my 7 year old sons head in anger..

[Tulipsandclogs]

Aibu to never ever want to see him again?

Sorry more... Previous excuses from mil and sister-in-law are that he had an awfully strict upbringing by a bullish dad, sister-in-law live overseas. He has very very few friends. He once took bread to feed the ducks and wouldn't share it with the kids... I am trying to hold back a little so I know in my heart I am not 'witch hunting'

He sounds like he dislikes your children.

I'd not let my children go back there with him in the house.

On the face of it it sounds awful...but I'm thinking of the times we've been messing around and I've thrown something at the dc.

Not in a vicious lost-my-rag way but when we're all laughing, ds2 is shouting and can't hear over the noise and I've thrown a sock at him to get his attention (whilst laughing).

Could it have been something like that? He threw something to get his attention and it went wrong?

It also makes a difference what 'book' he threw IMO. Was it a hardback heavy book (which no one in their right mind would throw at a dc) or a 4 page paper leaflet, meant to grab attention, not hurt?

I would not want him to be with my children.

From what you describe, it doesn't much seem like he wants that either. Nobody who loves a child looks at them with hatred. (Which I read when you say he has a murderous expression when he looks at them)

outrageous.

if he acted like that with another adult he'd be arrested and etc (not sure what would happen next).

I'd report it, and, probably with sorrow, MIL would stop having unsupervised access.

what a horrible situation.

It sounds as if he has no interest in the kids so quite why MIL hasn't suggested that she will visit you in future is beyond me tbh.

How old is he?

If you think he drinks, if you have an instinct that he is not warm towards the children, and he has not spoken to you about that incident, then it does sound to me that he is not to be trusted.

all of those things about his upbringing etc may be true, and very sad for him, if so, but they are reasons to watch him closely with the children if they have affected his behaviour.

No way I would allow my children any where near him

As Chessie said what kind of book?
Was your eldest dc there and of so what does he/she say about it?
How did MIL defend him?
I wouldn't let them stay there again, he sounds a bit too volatile to be around children

Another thought, isn't your oh worried about his mother?
I would.

Sorry, I read that wrong, I thought it was YOUR partner, not you MIL's partner.

I would definitely stop unsupervised access and let him know why.

Sorry me again, trying to answer all of your questions.. Son is ok, I dont think 'scarred' but I have absolutely told all of them it is NEVER ok for an adult to hurt them..

He sounds like a horrid man but if you knew he was like this why did you continue to send them there. It was only a matter of time he did so thing to upset them.

Mil won't see the man others do - so you have to step in and protect your kids from this man.

'He looked at the kids like he could murder them' -- why have you still continued the access??

I would have gotten in to the car and seen him myself and threw the book back at his head! What a bloody bully!

I'd restrict mil to just seeing them at your home.

My friends mother had a dog which was really nasty and it bit her toddlers hand. There was a huge fall out because mil couldn't accept that the dog was dangerous. They don't speak at all now.

The signing a card for him would have really pissed me off too.

If this is the first time he has done anything like this in the 25 years you have known him, I would be concerned about his health. Early dementia? Mental illness? For me to throw a book at a child's head, some serious changes would have happened in my brain.

In the meantime, do what you need to to keep your son safe, even if it means supervised visits only.

Sons interpretation of the story is that "he threw the book right at my head mummy" and my youngest dd re-enacted it for me. I am 100% they are not exaggerating, and am happy with my tentative questioning. X

Never mind his health. Keep him and your DCs separate. If you can't avoid them being in the same house try not to have them in the same room. If you can't avoid them being in the same room don't leave them alone. They come first.

TheFirst

Yes, I wondered about that -wanted to know how old he is. Uncharacterristic outbursts can be a sign of dementia, OP.

Or a sign of someone getting old and grumpy who doesn't spend a lot of time with young children and doesn't want to. Especially if he's with someone who facilitates and excuses his attitude.

What did you say to MiL when she took your DC back to her house?

I was wondering about mental illness and dementia. But hiding alcohol is a sign of alcoholism and his consumption could have escalated.

I don't think your DC should ever go to their home, without you or your partner there. You may have to find alternative childcare if you can't trust MIL not to take them there. I think she will need support as well, living with an alcoholic, for all you know he might be aggressive with her.

Taking on board all comments x and yes beyond cross with myself, as I am a true believer in 'our gut is always right' it's like two polar extremes, was it was so hard and I know she truly truly loves her grandchildren. I love my mil, but must say losing a little respect for her.. She adores the children, and they her, gutted that for her this is happening but it's her choice I guess and they are my children, so gutted he has done this..

He is late 60s. He bully's my mil, controls I would say, remorseful when she stands up to him etc from what she says. . Two christmas's ago my hubby followed him into our garden and threatened violence if he ever heard him talk to his mother like that again. IMO he is a mean, miserable, spoilt man with the personality for a Knat, married 4 times with no children. His own small family didn't speak with him for the last 3 years (his sister recently made contact to invite him to her 60th) I have no idea why...

Nothing... I am so weak.. She knew I was cross as she obviously left her house and was home pretty sharpish, so angry about it, I really don't want to jeopdise the childrens relationship with her, but we need to have 'the talk' don't we... : ( my mum suggested I let my hubby and her sort this...

Have to log off for a little while, the children have finished colouring! Thanks all for taking the time.. Will try and answer all questions!