to not go to my sister's wedding?

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OK, I really need some perspective on this as I'm feeling really upset by it all. Sorry, its long...

Bit of background, I live in New Zealand, we emigrated just over 3 years ago as DH got offered a great job working on a major project here and in the UK his industry was in real trouble and it was looking like he may lose his job and we were barely scraping by as it was. We had always wanted to experience another country anyway at some point, so it was too good an opportunity to pass up (they also paid all our moving costs). We really enjoy our life here, we came out with 2 children, we now have 4 (all under 7!), and for us we have a better quality of life now. However, we don't have much disposable income, enough to be comfortable but not enough to save yet. (We got into some debt in the UK whilst we were doing up our house and because of a reduction in dh's pay, which we couldn't recoup when we sold our house due to the market, so we still pay these off, but will be finished in about a year.) Sorry for long back story but it's relevant.

So, my mum announced at the end of last year she was getting married, I'm really happy for her, but we discussed it and she said she knew it was impractical for me to come over due to the DC and costs, and that we would skype the ceremony, get dressed up etc. I'm really upset to be missing it, but am trying to be involved as much as possible.

Then, after Christmas my sister announced she was getting married too. Again I'm thrilled for her, but this is where it gets complicated as she has told me she expects me to be there. I said that of course I would love to be there, but I didn't think it would be possible, but that I'd think it over and talk to DH. I'm devastated at the idea I can't be there and I feel like I'm really going to struggle with missing it, as just the idea of not being there has me in tears, but with my sensible hat on I know that if I go we will have to get in more debt when we're just coming out of debt and that it will affect my dc's if I do that. I also have no one to look after the DC here if I went, and dh doesn't know if he'd be able to take the time off as he is possibly going to be starting another big project.

So, I was dreading telling my sister this, but I did yesterday and unfortunately she got very angry and upset at me. She told me that I was selfish for moving here, that I had abandoned her and put my children first. She said she couldn't believe I wouldn't come, that everyone she knew couldn't believe I could be so selfish. She thinks that as I emigrated I should be making the effort to come back every year and others she knows do, even with children. I've explained to her that when she has children she'll understand more and that if we had the money I would be out like a shot, and that it was very upsetting for me too, but she is very angry and says I'm horrible for doing this to her.

We are not a very close family, we talk regularly but I only used to see her a couple of times a year. One of the big problems is that our dad ran off about 7 years ago with another woman and has chosen to go pretty much non contact with his 3 dc, choosing his new life over us. I've seen him once for 20 mins just before we left but he wasn't interested and I've heard nothing since. My sister has been in contact via text but he rarely replies and the last time he saw her was over a year ago. She is debating whether to invite him, but I do doubt he would go even if she did. He recently replied to a text of hers saying he was getting married in march, but he didn't invite her. I think to some extent she is saying to me what she wants to say to dad, and it hurts me so much that I am upsetting her even more. I try not to think about never seeing dad again, but it's brought it all back for me too.

If you've read this far, thank you, I'm sorry it's long was trying not to drip feed. My question to you is am I being unreasonable in not going? Should I take out a loan or something to go? I just feel so upset by it all, that I'm going to miss it, that I've made her so upset, that I even have to make these choices. I'm crying writing this as I just feel so alone at the moment. I don't regret my decision to move here but it is the first time it feels so far away.

Yanbu, it's very clear you would love to go but practically you can't. It could be possible that your dsis is maybe feeling 'abandoned' again after what your dad had done and that's why her reaction is so. I'm not sure what to suggest except that in time she might understand how difficult it was for you to miss out on her wedding.

If you can't afford it, YANBU not to go.

I can understand why your sister is upset though, she is missing out on her sister being at her wedding - something that is important to most people - through no fault of her own.

I do think that people who move a long way away from family have some responsibility to make sure they have the money to get back either in an emergency or every couple of years if they want to remain part of their family.

I have a family member that moved to Australia and I'd find it very hurtful if he didn't come back every year or 18 months. It would feel like he didn't love us and didn't care, and that's not nice.

Don't take a loan for a wedding.

Tell her you'd love to go, if she'll pay for it.

Your sister thinks you are selfish for putting your children first and abandoning her? She wants to think about what she said there. Sounds pretty childish and self-centred if you ask me.

Of course you are not selfish. If you can't afford to go that's the end of the matter. Bridezilla thinks you should get into debt for her. Words fail me.

Off to bed now to try and sleep so sorry if I don't reply, will check when youngest dc wakes for feed.

I would try and find a way to go. DH needs to see how important it is and take a week off work. Sod the project, there is always a new project. This is more important. She is telling you she needs you there, especially if dad doesn't come. Get a loan out and go back, with lots of pictures of the children (maybe some letters they could write to aunties/cousins/grandparents).

If you def can't manage a way, then tell her how you have exhausted all possible routes and how bad you feel not to be able to make it. But only after you've tried to find a way.

Of course YANBU. You can't afford it, simple as. Hopefully she'll get her head around it.

Ptolemy, I think YABVU, it's not cheap to get back from Aus/NZ and a lot of people just can't keep that level of savings. Coming back that often would also use up nearly all annual leave, and some people may not like that.

YANBU, it's one of the hard bits about living far away from family. SINBU to be disappointed that you are not coming. Her reaction seems OTT, however YABVU to say 'when you have children you will understand'. This is most enraging thing anyone can say, EVEN IF IT IS TRUE.

I'm sorry you will miss the wedding, I hope your sister calms down about it soon.

Ahhh now I see why you've started the other thread as well.

Well this situation changes things a bit, IMO - but if you haven't the money, you still haven't the money so while I would still say you can't go, I sympathise more with your sister now!

Your sister is clearly utterly pissed off that half her family won't be there, and will feel that it's because you just don't care enough - and that's somewhat unreasonable of her because she obviously has more disposable income than you and has no idea what it would cost to get your entire family back for her wedding; OR what it would cost in other ways for just you to come back and leave your 4DC behind!

Give her a detailed run down of the costs involved. AND the logistics. And if she still can't understand why it's not feasible, then she's being silly and unreasonable to punish you for it, however disappointed she might feel.

YANBU. I understand that she may be disappointed, but I think it's very unreasonable to expect you to travel back and tell you you're selfish for not doing so. For what it's worth I am a Kiwi who was living in the UK for some years, I also had to turn down weddings and many family events but no one has ever told me I am selfish for doing so. You are making a better life for yourself and your kids, of course they should come first. Other people might go back to visit more frequently, I certainly didn't as I couldn't afford to, and from the sounds of it neither can you.

wowfudge she was always the 'favoured child' growing up(which unfortunately my mum made very clear to us both) so as nice as she is she has always tended to get her own way and therefore become quite self centred. She had the chance to come visit us last year, but changed her mind as she got invited to a distant friends wedding abroad instead, and she told me as she visited New Zealand a few years ago she doesn't feel the need to come back yet.

Ptolemy I don't feel like I'm not part of the family by not going back, my mum comes out and I skype my family. I get why do is is so upset, I am too, but it is not financially possible to have regular trips home at the moment, and those financial reasons are a big part of why we moved here.

As Chipdip said, it could be abandonment issues driving your sister's reaction rather than her being a Bridezilla - but they are still her issues, not yours.

Can your mother take a role here and talk to your sister? It sounds like she is taking a more understanding view.

As for her comment about putting your children first - of course you should have as you are responsible for them and not your adult sister!

YANBU about not going and not getting into debt, but this:

I've explained to her that when she has children she'll understand more

probably wasn't the way to make your case - it's patronising and presumptuous and probably made her feel even more excluded. She is hurt and I think you probably just need to let her get to grips with the fact that you won't be there for her big day and give her some space. A knee-jerk reaction isn't the time to use logic - she's hurt and upset and it wouldn't be entirely unreasonable of her to feel abandoned. You may not be able to fix this situation, but you can keep the door open to get back on track with your sister once she's had a chance to calm down.

You are right to put your children first instead of sister. She sounds like a drama queen. If they can afford to visit you they could come to you for their honeymoon which sort of involves you in the wedding?

YANBU Of course you put your own family and finances first. She is just disappointed and striking out. if she wants to see you she should make the effort. Send her a nice present and promise to visit her when things are more stable financially.

Would you be able to go if your sister paid for the airfare? As a gift, not a loan? And/or could you make any contribution to the airfare, or would you need that for some spending money when you got here? If so, I'd say that to your sister. Chances are she'll say no, but it shows you are meeting her part-way. You should say the same thing to your mum as well for fairness's sake, I think.

Sorry if I upset with the comment about the children, I didn't say it to her exactly like that, believe me she would have rightly shouted at me if I had! It was brought up in response to the fact she told me that she wants to have children as soon as they are married, and that once she does she'll find it very hard to visit so she possibly won't see me for a long time if I don't come back now. So that was what my response was about.

Thumbwitch, sorry I wasn't trying to be misleading on other thread I was just trying to understand what other expats do, as I am really struggling and I honestly do feel like a horrible, horrible person.

You can't afford to go, that's the bottom line.

She's going to have to get over it, and if she doesn't you will have to deal with that.

You can't control how other people think, feel and act.

You are not declining out of malice. You just have to hang on to that.

YANBU.

Ptolemy - yabvu.

My sister lives in Australia and I wouldn't expect her to come back if I got married.

YANBU

Your sister sounds like she has some issues going on and has taken it out on you. I had similar this Christmas because I couldn't go on a family trip when she was visiting from Australia as I am self employed, despite her being at my house for 4 days, so I did see plenty of her. Some people really are childish and unreasonable, I'd never think to demand someone do something for my pleasure, knowing they would be poorer for it, or their family would suffer.

Yanbu.
Your mums seems reasonable and practical regarding her wedding.
Saying that you are choosing your dc over your dsis is extremely unfair, true and reasonable.

No don't worry, I wasn't having a go, just musing out loud really and explaining why my answer on this thread is slightly different to the one on the other.

Please don't feel horrible - your finances are what they are. If your sister really wanted you there that much, could she not offer to pay towards your visit? although then you would still have the logistical nightmare of what to do with the DC, and iirc you can't take them all with you on your own (I'm pretty sure it's no more than 2 under 12 with one adult/parent)

As has been said, you are not refusing to go because you're being mean, you honestly cannot manage it - and she needs to realise that. I do recommend you sending an email with the full breakdown of your reasons for not being able to go; she honestly might get a better clue of your issues then.

Of course YANBU. it really does seem as if your sister is projecting onto you everything she wants to say to your father. She sounds like she could do with some counselling.

YANBU and your sister is being childish and selfish and U to think you should put her above your small dependent children! What does she think she is talking about "accusing" you of putting your children before your adult sister? Next she'll accuse you of breathing, or some other absolutely natural and necessary act...

It's a pity you can't go but nobody who actually cared one jot about you would ask you to get into debt to the tune of several thousand pounds in order to attend their wedding.

TBH with 3 kids I find it hard to get back to the UK once a year from Southern Germany, you don't "owe" it to anyone to get 6 people across the world from New Zealand to hole up in a resentful relatives spare room and be guilt tripped about moving once a year... Absolutely unrealistic unless you have an employer paying your costs (rare these days unless you are CEO of a multinational) or are very wealthy.

Thumb you can definitely fly alone with 4 under 12 - it's only under 2 that have to have an adult each.