to not go to my sister's wedding?

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OK, I really need some perspective on this as I'm feeling really upset by it all. Sorry, its long...

Bit of background, I live in New Zealand, we emigrated just over 3 years ago as DH got offered a great job working on a major project here and in the UK his industry was in real trouble and it was looking like he may lose his job and we were barely scraping by as it was. We had always wanted to experience another country anyway at some point, so it was too good an opportunity to pass up (they also paid all our moving costs). We really enjoy our life here, we came out with 2 children, we now have 4 (all under 7!), and for us we have a better quality of life now. However, we don't have much disposable income, enough to be comfortable but not enough to save yet. (We got into some debt in the UK whilst we were doing up our house and because of a reduction in dh's pay, which we couldn't recoup when we sold our house due to the market, so we still pay these off, but will be finished in about a year.) Sorry for long back story but it's relevant.

So, my mum announced at the end of last year she was getting married, I'm really happy for her, but we discussed it and she said she knew it was impractical for me to come over due to the DC and costs, and that we would skype the ceremony, get dressed up etc. I'm really upset to be missing it, but am trying to be involved as much as possible.

Then, after Christmas my sister announced she was getting married too. Again I'm thrilled for her, but this is where it gets complicated as she has told me she expects me to be there. I said that of course I would love to be there, but I didn't think it would be possible, but that I'd think it over and talk to DH. I'm devastated at the idea I can't be there and I feel like I'm really going to struggle with missing it, as just the idea of not being there has me in tears, but with my sensible hat on I know that if I go we will have to get in more debt when we're just coming out of debt and that it will affect my dc's if I do that. I also have no one to look after the DC here if I went, and dh doesn't know if he'd be able to take the time off as he is possibly going to be starting another big project.

So, I was dreading telling my sister this, but I did yesterday and unfortunately she got very angry and upset at me. She told me that I was selfish for moving here, that I had abandoned her and put my children first. She said she couldn't believe I wouldn't come, that everyone she knew couldn't believe I could be so selfish. She thinks that as I emigrated I should be making the effort to come back every year and others she knows do, even with children. I've explained to her that when she has children she'll understand more and that if we had the money I would be out like a shot, and that it was very upsetting for me too, but she is very angry and says I'm horrible for doing this to her.

We are not a very close family, we talk regularly but I only used to see her a couple of times a year. One of the big problems is that our dad ran off about 7 years ago with another woman and has chosen to go pretty much non contact with his 3 dc, choosing his new life over us. I've seen him once for 20 mins just before we left but he wasn't interested and I've heard nothing since. My sister has been in contact via text but he rarely replies and the last time he saw her was over a year ago. She is debating whether to invite him, but I do doubt he would go even if she did. He recently replied to a text of hers saying he was getting married in march, but he didn't invite her. I think to some extent she is saying to me what she wants to say to dad, and it hurts me so much that I am upsetting her even more. I try not to think about never seeing dad again, but it's brought it all back for me too.

If you've read this far, thank you, I'm sorry it's long was trying not to drip feed. My question to you is am I being unreasonable in not going? Should I take out a loan or something to go? I just feel so upset by it all, that I'm going to miss it, that I've made her so upset, that I even have to make these choices. I'm crying writing this as I just feel so alone at the moment. I don't regret my decision to move here but it is the first time it feels so far away.

I'd tell your sister that you can only go if she's in a position to pay for your flights and hotel bills, because you simply don't have the money. If it's that important that you're there, she can find a way to finance it.

I don't understand some of these replies.

I understand your sister's disappointment (and yours). I understand it may be linked to abandonment issues from your father, but in actual fact, that's not your problem.

People saying that anyone who emigrates should only do so if they can afford to come back every year/18 months. For goodness sake! Do they live in the real world? Who has that kind of disposable income? Tell your husband that there are always more projects? Oh yes, life is so simple!

You emigrate for a better life for your family, which is exactly what the OP has done. Yes there is a downside if you miss your family but you weigh up which is more important and decide for yourselves.

And that amount of debt for the OP to come on her own? Madness.

And the fact that the OP barely saw her sister when they lived in the same country also speaks volumes. She is being a brat.

Oh thanks MrTumble, I wasn't sure of my ground there.

YANBU.
I would not go.
It's not your fault. the money simply isn't there.
you have all my sympathies.

Also, i feel that this stage that if you do go she will only very grudgingly acknowledge your presence at her wedding.

your sister is very needy, isn't she?
she's so spoilt and demanding too, by the sounds of it.
i feel sorry for her husband to be.
as for her future kids........

I'd try to find some way of getting childcare / babysitting /sleepovers/DP to look after DCs and you go yourself.

Could any of your family help with the cost of one airfare?

Could you get a courier flight?

She actually complained to you that you were prioritising your children over her?

Wow. Let's hope one day she realises how ridiculous that complaint was.

If you don't have the money then you don't have it. You can't pull it out of thin air so there's not really a lot you can do.

My sil and family emigrated three years ago. So far they have come back every year for a visit. They're not bothering this year as they would like a family holiday rather than flying over at great expense and racing round the country using all their annual leave up fitting all the visiting in.
Its lovely to see them but we have no expectations of them visiting every year just because they emigrated.

She's talking about you being selfish. Think she needs to take a long hard look in the mirror.

What she needs to remember is that whilst her wedding is the most important event in her life right now it isn't yours.

Is it not selfish of her to expect you to take a loan out and put yourself In further debt to go to her wedding? And she's,oain g that she won't. See you'll a whole because she wants to start trying a for a family straight away and won't be able to afford it, oh but it's ok for you to take a loan out.

You say shes the golden child who is used tp getting her own way (why am i not surpried) Tell her to fuck off, you'll find it quite liberating.

Would your sister loan you the money, if you decided to go ?

Could your sister agree a long repayment plan over a large number of years to make such a loan more easily repayment ?

Yanbu. She was. Big time!

If she expects you to be there then suggest she stumps up the cash for the airfare. Why should you get yourselves into debt for what amounts to one persons big day.

I think it's a very difficult situation and I can understand the OP and her sister.
What's the very minimum time you could go away for? Even 5 or 6 nights would be easier for childcare.

Don't take a loan off your sister, if she's that desperate, she can find the money.

Seriously, tell her that you love her and all that and explain to her again why it's just not possible but if she pulls that crap on you again, tell her to fuck off.

I did this to someone recently who I don't think is used to being told that they are bang out of order, it was wonderfully liberating, not heard. Peep from them since!

yanbu
That comment about you putting your children first, over her... she's not going to get it. There's not a lot you can say to her to explain.
But you are right not to go.

YANBU, you are trying to do the best for your children and should be applauded for that, not criticised.

Hopefully your sister will calm down eventually.

I'm with Mama - you are trying to make a life with your husband and children in a new country. You're working to get out of debt. You sound terrific.

Your sister sounds deranged. And a brat.

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helped me to think things through. Thank you mama and cingo for your kind comments above. I've found it hard sometimes here as its tricky to make close friends and having four dc without family has not been easy, but I look at how happy my DC and dh are now, and the fact we are actually getting out of debt and still surviving day to day, and it does make it worth it. Dh did say to me that dsis has always been like this and he suspected that this was how she'd react. He also pointed out that she never asks how I'm feeling or about the children, so I guess maybe she just doesn't realise how hurtful she's being by insinuating I don't care. I've told her I love her and would never want to hurt her, but I think those posters who said to write her an email explaining again is a good idea.

She did offer to lend me the money at first but she said I'd have to pay it back very quickly as they would need it for a house deposit. That is obviously fair enough, but I said to her that I'd need a couple of years to pay off something that big and that's not fair on her, nor is she willing to let me do that. Unfortunately no relatives to help out either due to absent father and my dm doesn't earn much and to be honest, if she did have that money I think she would have offered when she announced about her wedding.

I'd have to take dc with me as well as she will still be under a year and I will still be breastfeeding so can't do anything like courier plane. Plus there are the costs when we get there. To the poster who said there will be more projects, not really, as that is what pays our bills, I can't ask dh to turn down solid work for the next few years!

I am gutted that we don't have the means to go, and it breaks my heart to know I'm going to miss not one, but two weddings of people who mean so much to me, but you have made me see that getting into more debt is not the way to go, as I do have to put my DC first. I just hope she can see that one day.

I'd let the dust settle for a while. She was probably very upset and spoke in the heat of the moment. I can understand her being upset, to a large extent she's lost her relationship with you and your DC through no fault of her own. If I was in your situation I'd do the same but that doesn't make it easy for your family.

The normalisation of credit has really skewed many people's ideas of what is "possible." Although such sums may be accessible, this is money that costs serious amounts of money. It costs you more to go than it should and there are large extra costs like childcare/lost work for DH. Therefore it's too expensive.

Her blowing off a trip to see you, in favour of another wedding, means you can make the counter-trade, too!

As someone who has been the one left behind when family have moved overseas I do feel sympathy for your sister. And the stuff with your dad will not have helped either.

She will feel frustrated and angry that the people she wants there most won't be there, through no fault of her own.

However if getting into debt gets you there, then you shouldn't be going. Yes your sister will be gutted but your DH and your dcs ARE your priority and you can't afford it and can't get there. She will have to understand, especially as you'll have shown you really have tried.

That said your comment about "you'll understand once you have children" will not have helped and is incredibly patronising. I was once excluded from a holiday to a very close friends family villa. When I asked about it I was told "we thought as you are single and don't have children you'd not want to come. We thought it best for those with children"

I was really hurt and our friendship never recovered. So be very very careful about taking the high ground

Could you suggest she flies out to you, as a honeymoon?

I'm getting married soon.

My younger bro lives in Aus, my older sis works in the Carribean - gutted they won't be there but them coming home would cost more than my wedding.

When my older bro got married, little sis worked in the US and cried her little eyes out about not making the wedding but we all knew it was impractical.

My older bro who lives here has seen his arse about no kids being invited so out of 4 siblings looks like I'll have one coming - I made that one a witness

Families move around, she needs to accept that.

Maybe you and the kids can do her a nice video message to be played with the speeches? I'd find that really touching (doubt my siblings will be so thoughtful)