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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be amazed that at the age of 39 people are still asking....

76 replies

listsandbudgets · 20/02/2015 23:35

where I went to school!!

Just been out to dinner with DP and met a couple who initially seemed very pleasant. However after a bit Mrs. Pleasant stated grilling me about where I went to university (ok can just about live with that) and then demanded to know where I went to school! I was so surprised I told her only to be faced with "I've never heard of it".. appears she went to a very famous ladies college.

Why on earth did she want to know and AIBU to think that at 39 (she was 45!!) we should be beyond such enquiries.

OP posts:

funnyossity · 20/02/2015 23:39

IME the school is relevant if it was a public school! It's a tribal thing.

TheRealMaryMillington · 20/02/2015 23:42

It depends

Round here its to find out if you are Catholic or not. Also lots of people come back when they have kids and send them to the school they went to. Not me I'm an incomer

In Edinburgh, where DH is from it's to ascertain your parents' precise social/financial status. Or used to be.

In her case, it might just have been because she went to said school and there was no other way to bring it into conversation.

mrsfuzzy · 20/02/2015 23:43

it's pretty obvious, she's thinks she's socially superior, who really gives a monkeys about her 'posh ' college, just because you have a great education does not make you a nice person, she sounded rather rude tbh.

Waitingonasunnyday · 20/02/2015 23:43

Oh you should have asked if her 20 years ago school was worth it by giving her sums to do on the spot, asking her some geography questions, 'give me an example of an adverb' etc etc.

Peacocklady · 20/02/2015 23:48

Is it like in withnail and I where they're talking to uncle Monty and they say 'oh he went to the other one uncle' and he says oh Eton of course! (Or something) As Eton and harrow are the only schools that exist to him.

AuntieStella · 20/02/2015 23:52

It's a way of finding out if you're lifelong local, or if there are other people you might mutually know elsewhere.

Whether that's with nice or nasty intent depends very much on the disposition of the enquirer.

holeinmyheart · 20/02/2015 23:52

Well the snobby twonk was only asking you where you went to school so that she could tell you where she went.
She is a sad loser of the worse sort. Boasting is sooo boring.
Don't let her get at you as she isn't worth knowing. YANBU

BerylStreep · 20/02/2015 23:55

Maybe it's just my social circle, but where someone has gone to school features quite a bit in our conversations. In fact only yesterday a colleague was telling me about studying latin at school, and how he hated his latin teacher, and I asked 'oh, did you go to XXX, then??

It becomes even more relevant when deciding which school DC will go to. I went to one leading school, DH went to another, we have yet another on our doorstep. Where we live, where a parent went to school has a huge bearing on where their children are likely to go.

mrsfuzzy · 20/02/2015 23:57

good to know that this thread is drawing such a naice class of people to comment on it.

BackforGood · 21/02/2015 00:01

I think it will depend on the context.

If I were asked by someone round here where I went to school, I'd assume it's so we can start thinking if we have any mutual acquaintances.

In your case, it might be different....but I don't know people who went to private school (as far as I'm aware ?)

Permanentlyexhausted · 21/02/2015 00:08

This is only really a question asked by those who went to fee-paying schools. Generally speaking, anyone who has been to a state school would ask where you grew up and would only ask which school once it was clear you grew up in an area they knew.

The irony here is that for all her posh education, she couldn't actually identify whether you were part of her 'tribe' or not, hence her surprise that it wasn't somewhere famous enough for her to have heard of!

scousadelic · 21/02/2015 00:13

When I say sweetly "I went to a bog standard comp in Liverpool, how about you?" it usually ends those conversations quite quickly

mrsfuzzy · 21/02/2015 00:15

come on state school layabouts where are you all tonight, bog dale high are having a reunion on tuesday night, sorry won't be there, because although i knew a few of you i went to grammar school. awfully sorry gels.

BerylStreep · 21/02/2015 00:19

I should clarify that we live in a relatively small provincial area, so there really only are a few number of schools that people will have gone to. There is a healthy rivalry between them, which seems to follow into adulthood, for example which school team is doing best at rugby.

KERALA1 · 21/02/2015 00:20

Weird! I would find this very odd. Move on fgs.

Though I was at a job interview in the city when the interviewer heard where I lived reminisced that it was where he went to school he was at where had I gone? He had never heard of my rural comp slightly embarrassing. Got the job though!

BreconBeBuggered · 21/02/2015 00:30

I was amazed to be asked this question in my first week at university, and I never quite worked out how to answer it, as the answer to any reciprocal question would have been equally meaningless to me. It took me several years to decode what it meant. I had a similar blind spot when living in the west of Scotland, when my new neighbours all seemed awfully interested in which primary school my 2-year-old would be going to.

Canyouforgiveher · 21/02/2015 00:33

I'm Irish so might ask other Irish people where they went to school so I could figure our who we know in common ... maybe.

We had one friend who used to regularly ask me where I grew up (he seemed to forget the answer every time!). I grew up in very working class area but went to an excellent private school and university and felt very comfortable in any social situation. We were all in the US at the time (but we were all from Ireland). He used to ask so often ... I think he was hoping I'd crack and tell him I didn't deserve to be a member of the middle class. Or more likely it just didn't compute in his world.

funny thing was he moved back to Ireland. He bought a house. It was near a river that had fishing rights - he wanted to fish. one of my best friends owned the fishing rights. she told me he looked really surprised when she told him she was so close with me. i think the poor guy really couldn't understand how classes (such as they are in Ireland) could mix. Some people are like that.

TheCatsFlaps · 21/02/2015 00:43

I'm sure the meaning of "fuck off" would not be lost on a snotty cow.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 21/02/2015 00:49

Oh it's such a umc question. If she was proper posh she could have figured it out from friends. Having to ask displays a thin layer of insecurity :)

Mind I met some people from my home town and the question was "Which pit (coal mine) was he down?"

As a pp said it's tribal.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 21/02/2015 00:51

She didn't want to know.

She wanted the opportunity to tell everyone where she went.

TheAwfulDaughter · 21/02/2015 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 21/02/2015 00:56

Surely it's conversational? Particularly if you grew up in the same area - seeking a common ground on which to base some sort of discussion. I don't necessarily think it's unique to fee paying schools - I wouldn't think it odd if someone were to ask me, nor can I can not envisage situations where I might ask it of someone, and I was just at the local grammar school... But perhaps I odd. I find it much less peculiar a conversation topic than many which people think are acceptable on here!

missingmumxox · 21/02/2015 01:09

Lol, years ago I was at a dinner dance of a youth group I was a member of and had been for years all round the top table with the county chairman, it was a big top table about 20 of us, half way through the meal, he got up and tapped his glass and asked us this question "am I the only person on this table that didn't go to private school?"
I had just been thinking the same thing and was happy to put my hand up, just me and him.
We laughed and moved on, I am old enough to be before university fees, but lots of my friends went to private colleges, or da da der! Finishing school.

All lovely lovely people, those of us who went to the local comp, like said up thread, if we remain local, the fact we are from the same area, means we can jump to other points in our lives to find common ground. Such as did you drink at, do you remember such and such, I worked at.

That said I live in a city with only 2 less private secondary school than state, one of which is the most expensive in the country.

It's only used to catch you out if they are a nob, if someone's a nob round here I can normally guess which one of the schools they went to no need to ask.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/02/2015 01:36

Where I'm from if someone asked it's because either you're bound to know them, or your cousin/best mate/dad who went to the other school is bound to know them.

But the "asking people from totally different parts of the country which school they went to" thing was a complete surprise to me at university as well. Some doddery old scholar asked me where I went to school and I said I was sure he wouldn't have heard of it, and I was right, it being a totally rubbish school in a small town. It took me a good amount of time and asking around to work out that he'd assumed I'd gone to a "famous" school. I didn't even know there were schools that were famous (except Eton), nor had it occurred to me that for some people there is no relation between their home town and the place they went to school.

In answer to the OP no YANBU, if it crops up again I'd say something like "god, isn't that a long time ago! It hardly seems relevant now" as nothing winds tits like this up more than not being able to place you.

SolasEile · 21/02/2015 01:36

The only appropriate response to a grown up, middle-aged woman name-dropping the posh school she went to is to say 'Oh, [posh school name]? Do they still go there?' and look puzzled as though you've barely heard of the place.

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