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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect to be consulted about hen do costs

56 replies

Boosiehs · 20/02/2015 10:13

before the bridesmaids booked it?

an old friend of mine is getting married. i'm thrilled for her, and said yes to the hen do. it was mentioned that it would be in a cottage somewhere, but no costs, so i was quite frankly astounded to receive an email asking me for over £250 last night to cover 2 nights accom costs ONLY! further costs for booze and food and entertainment nearer the time.

no chance to comment, deposit had already been paid.

i don't know the bridesmaids, and i am going to go, as i love the bride dearly and don't want to cause a fuss or problem for her, but AIBU to be very pissed off??

OP posts:

Fudgeface123 · 20/02/2015 10:45

Well I'd be telling her I can't go

PtolemysNeedle · 20/02/2015 10:45

I have some sympathy with bridesmaids who have to organise hen nights, it really not easy to book something for a group of random people, many of whom you don't know. Consulting everyone and then keeping everyone happy is almost impossible.

YANBU though, that is too much to ask of people and if it was going to be that expensive, they should have given you at least a vague idea of what they had in mind when they asked if you'd go. It would be completely reasonable of you to back out and say that it's too much money.

Did they even tell you what they were planning to give to a chance to look it up and make a well informed guess at how much it would cost?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 10:46

Yanbu that is very poor form and I would e mail her to tell her that you were not informed of the cost before booking, it is not within your budget. tough, she should have checked with the others first before booking.

Original poster

Boosiehs · 20/02/2015 10:46

thanks pcpg. we're ok, esch day at a time, but my thoughts are the same. we've just splashed out on a holiday for a week to itsly half board and flights for less pp than this weekend is going to cost. :(

OP posts:

Postchildrenpregranny · 20/02/2015 10:46

And 'really nice accommodation' isn't necessarily that much IronGnome
. I assume it's London or SE?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 10:47

Maidofstars would you not like to be informed of the costs of activities before booking, not just it landed in your lap like that!

SaucyJack · 20/02/2015 10:47

That is a lot.

Are you sure you're all paying a fair share? I'd be a bit suspicious that some of you were bankrolling the organisers tbh.

Original poster

Boosiehs · 20/02/2015 10:47

thanks all.

i've not replied yet. still thinking what to do.

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 20/02/2015 10:50

It seems to me that hen and stag do's have really got out of hand. But, it can only be because people go along with it when they don't want to.

What I am struggling to understand is the nature of the friendships that lead to such huge fallings out? Now I may have a skewed view because I am not someone who has loads of friends but just a chosen few. I cannot imagine being put in the position of having to prove my friendship with money - because that's how it comes across to me.

MaidOfStars · 20/02/2015 10:53

Maidofstars would you not like to be informed of the costs of activities before booking, not just it landed in your lap like that

Absolutely. My point was that "reasonable expectations" differ depending on the general (perceived) wealth of a group of friends, what their normal shopping/dinner/activities are, and so on.

For some people, £250 is an easily disposable amount of income. For others, it's a holiday's worth of money. For others, it's simply unmanageable.

Of course, you can never assume that anyone would be happy to pay £250 for a hen do. Even if apparently easily affordable (say, the group are all City bankers who shop every weekend in Harrods), there may be issues with the principle of hen dos being so extravagant, and so on.

So yes, I think they should have checked before booking. It's just normal, isn't it, to double-check when the arrangements are firmed up?

MaidOfStars · 20/02/2015 10:54

OP, I think I'd just message asking for an estimation of other costs associated with the weekend, "because the accommodation cost was far in excess of what you were imagining".

Cobain · 20/02/2015 10:57

Sometime the organiser takes it upon themselves to be generous with other people money. I recently went to one where the costs of the bride, brides sister and both mothers cost where incorporated into the others guests cost and they where the ones ordering champagne. The whole event was soured when the costs came to light.

Bakeoffcake · 20/02/2015 10:57

So you're paying £250 for a weekend (2 nights) without food/drinks. You are sharing so the cost is £500 per room per weekend.

That's bloody expensive.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/02/2015 10:58

I got married in the dark ages so am constantly amazed at the scale of these events.

For my hen night, I went to a lovely Thai restaurant with my mum, sister and best friend - and I paid!

But then we also paid for the whole wedding, so maybe I just have a different approach to these things.

Original poster

Boosiehs · 20/02/2015 11:03

Ok. So I've just sent an email saying thank you for arranging, but also asking for an estimate of the rest of the costs so i can budget.

sigh V complicated.

OP posts:

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/02/2015 11:04

personally I would reply with an email that says
"WOW! that is alot more than I had thought it would be, wish I had known so I could plan finances a bit better.
Anyway the place does look lovely, what are the plans for the weekend? Are we all bringing wine /beers?" then go into random chatty email trying to clarify plans to ensure there are no other hidden costs, like heading off to spa for the day!
make your point about the shock of the pricing, then move on. if you can afford it that is.

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/02/2015 11:05

x post hey ho.. still don't think there is a problem with you expressing surprise at the level of expense

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 20/02/2015 11:07

YANBU, I know it'd be a shame but there's no requirement to go.

I didn't go to SIL's hen weekend, as it cost too much, and I was a bridesmaid! I understand it must feel shitty though and not on for the bridesmaids to have done that.

Clarabell33 · 20/02/2015 11:17

YANBU. I'd refuse to throw that amount of money at something in which I'd had no say - not rudely, just 'sorry, that's way over what I can afford to spend on a hen do seeing as it's more than the cost of a family holiday'.

I also can't believe any mere cottage costs that much... where and what is it?? Some stately home perhaps?

IMeanReally · 20/02/2015 11:19

I'm going to be bridesmaid soon. Just getting agreement amongst us on what reasonable costs and expectations is a nightmare because a previous poster said - for me £200 plus travel is a stretch and means I don't get away again this year. for another of course it's affordable and she wants to know why can't I just save up? I also suspect the bride to be would probably be happy with something really low key because she's no huge on being the centre of attention. But hen dos are what you do so...

TheIronGnome · 20/02/2015 11:19

I've been looking at accommodation for 26 people in the south West, my favourite one would have been £175 each and it was not the most expensive by a long shot.

It's a difficult, difficult thing to do. They were in the wrong but until you've done it, it's hard to appriciate how tricky it is. Especially if the bride to wants it to be a surprise.

flipchart · 20/02/2015 11:29

I've ducked out of a few hen do a few drops from mine. The world didn't come of its axis and everything is fine!

Prioritise what is important to you and don't waver from that. That doesn't mean don't go to the hen do, just if you csn affordable it and want to that's fine ,if you have other thoughts on it its fine to skip.

AmserGwin · 20/02/2015 11:31

Wow that's a lot. I bet you are covering the brides costs too in there. I would be annoyed

cosmicglittergirl · 20/02/2015 11:34

Saucyjack I thought that.
Not go? Take the bride out for afternoon tea? That is an outrageous amount of money.

Ubik1 · 20/02/2015 11:36

Hen do - it's what you do.

It's funny but I think the 'hen do' on it's current form a relatively modern invention 80's? 90's?

It seems to have grown arms and legs over the last decade though

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