to get annoyed with myself for being so sensitive?

[scrunchiemount]

I take things really personally and I know I shouldn't but don't know how to stop. I get upset and tearful really easily over stupid things. For eg I keep having to change my username on MN because when I post asking for advice on things I sometimes get replies that aren't very kind and they genuinely upset me. I know it is ridiculous but don't know how to be different! I know being 'over-sensitive' is a massive character flaw and I would really like to erase it from myself IYSWIM. Anyone else got over it?

My DH is a complete Zen Buddha compared to me when it comes to this. He can literally just shrug and say 'that's just your opinion, it doesn't affect me' and be completely fine within himself. I can't do that. I wouldn't call it a massive character flaw though. It's just who you are. Learning to distinguish between someone with a genuine point and someone who's just being an arsehole is an important skill, however

Have you tried boosting your self esteem.

I find those people who are very sensitive are often shy and lack the self esteem.

Are you the woman with the vintage dresses?
just out of interest

Thanks for your comments

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange the funny thing is I never really thought of myself as having low self esteem but I suppose I must do if silly little things upset me! Any tips on how to boost it? I'm naturally quite shy but have learned to live with it and am not socially anxious or anything...just introverted.

Teeste thank you, i am just told so often it's a major flaw that it's hard not to believe it is?!

slightlyworriednc sorry, I'm not!

I'm too sensitive too op, and I really wish I wasnt.

ssd nice to know that someone else feels the same way.

I think the worst is when people say 'stop being so precious' or something similarly undermining...just makes you feel awful. it's not really a helpful thing to say. do they think anyone would actually choose to feel upset by daft things?!

I know. I just feel its part of me and I have to accept it, dont see any way of changing now.

Oh if I get insulted on here I just think the person's a hairy handed trucker with his mother's tights on.

?
That's the thing, you don't know who's behind the keyboard OP, just imagine them as someone a little comical or ridiculous.
Someone you'd feel a little sorry for but never take seriously ?

When I was trying to be assertive with the arseholes builders this morning, I had to dig my nails so hard into my palms to stop myself from getting upset. I am so over sensitive it really is annoyance but it's part of who I am.
I would like to think because of my oversensitivity, I can empathise well with people and I am quite caring. I think you just have to look on the positive side .

I used to be very oversensitive. Things seemed to change when I had my children.

It was like a switch flipped in my head, and I suddenly realised that what other people thought was none of my business, what I look like is not particularly important, and if someone goes out of their way to upset me then they are just mean and unkind and I can ignore them.

I don't know if my experience will help...

It's not 'who you are', OP, it's probably a combination of how you were brought up and socialised (being taught that other people's opinion of you is important is far more drummed in to girls than boys), and how you think of yourself now, but it's eminently possible to change that.

You have the ingrained habit of thinking that other people's opinion of you is much more important than your opinion of them, which is illogical, when you think about it. If someone on Mn says something crass, rude and belittling to you, why see it as a reflection on your flaws, rather than an indication that the other poster is mistaken/a bit of a cow?

Try to train yourself to give your own opinions the same importance as you currently give only to others'. We're all just human beings walking around in the world, breathing and scratching our asses - none of us 'count' more than others.

Tisiphone don't think it's how I've been brought up TBH, i have three siblings and none of them have this issue! I can remember being extremely sensitive even from absolutely tiny. I'm also quite sensitive to things like too much light, noise, crowds etc...just seem less able to cope with these things!

I do try to do what you say, it's just hard to break the habit!

Maybe don't post on AIBU.

I know all of MN can be a bit blunt at times (which I do find quite refreshing, but can also be a bit scary when they turn on you!) but generally AIBU is short sharp "stop being a twat" or "the person you're complaining about is a twat" so it comes across as being quite mean.

I'm sure in person all of those posters would take time to have a sensitive chat about the issues being addressed but when you have 5 minutes while the kettle boils and you want to contribute, a snarky reply that says it all is more tempting than a carefully crafted paragraph or two.

Try to take posts on here with a pinch of salt and imagine the poster flitting from one thread to another, not really investing any emotional energy in any of them, so it's not personal, it's a snap shot.

I'm also a sensitive sort and have been scared off a couple of times, but I'm also guilty of being one of the smart-arse posters sometimes. I do feel bad afterwards if I realise I've been mean. I think the influx of trolly posters has also made the regulars a bit less tolerant and less likely to give the benefit of the doubt, which can lead to arsey replies.

AmyElliotDunne yes, I think AIBU can be particularly vitriolic...

Birth order makes a big difference to developing personalities, Scrunchie - we don't have exactly the same upbringing as any of our siblings, and we're always subject to being 'labelled' within the family. Maybe you have a slight 'natural' tendency towards being unusually sensitive, which got you labelled as 'the shy one' or 'the baby' or 'the crybaby' or 'the over sensitive one' within your family, and that reinforced it ...? Which of course gets siblings labelled as 'the tough one' or 'the clever one' or whatever.

At any rate, you've absorbed and internalised messages about 'what you're like' from somewhere.

I know it's hard to break ingrained habits - think of it like any other unhealthy habit you might need to break, like smoking or binge-eating. I think something that works for some peoole is to expose yourself to a new social situation (say a club that does something that really interests you) where no one knows you at all. And practice your new less self-conscious, less sensitive persona there until it becomes second nature.

I am sensitive too and get what you say about it being a physical thing too. Try googling the highly sensitive person. I find I don't cope with stress very well and don't have so much resilience as other people but being sensitives does have a lot of positives too. I bet you are really kind and empathetic.

Have a look into Aspergers, if you have also sensory issues. It's hopelessly underdiagnosed in women, and emotional dysregulation is part of the parcel.

My best friend is 'highly sensitive' and found the literature around 'highly sensitive person' very helpful. Hope you find it, as suggested upthread, incase its helpful for you, too.

As for other people's opinion, I dunno if it would help you, but I really can't imagine getting upset about something an entirely unknown person posts on a message board, even if it is in response to something i have posted. I think people's posts mostly tell you more about them, and their response, than they do about the original topic. That's just the way it is.

Very different to a comment from someone who knows you, but, even then, it usually says more about them than about you.

Sometime, of course, these responses can be helpful, because we see that we are not the only person struggling in that way or because it shines a light on something of which we had not previously been aware.

It may be that feeling this way, is one of the many consolations of getting older. Hope you can find a way to insulate yourself a bit more from unwelcome comments. HTH.

Thank you for all your comments, they are helpful. Cailleach you are right about it being hopelessly underdiagnosed, but I work with kids with Autisum and Aspergers and I really don't think I have Aspergers...who knows though. I do find it very difficult to be around groups of strangers, even though I don't really suffer with shyness any more - I just find making small talk tedious but then who doesn't? The sensitive to light/noise/crowds thing is more an intolerance than anything else I think.

I'm glad that other people have come through this a bit. It's something I do need to work on as I am never going to live in a world where people say things that aren't upsetting sometimes!

Not everyone finds making small talk tedious - some people thrive on it! And disliking it can be one of the indications of Aspergers... Not that I'm trying to diagnose you, of course.

My daughter is 15 and highly sensitive and also has some sensory issues as well as dyspraxia, and just this week one of the healthcare professionals she's been seeing has suggested that it might be Aspergers, so they're going to investigate. In the last couple of days I've read that one of the reasons it's underdiagnosed in girls/women is that the characteristics they look for are the characteristics that are common in boys with Aspergers, but not in girls. And of course it's a spectrum, so I guess many of us could find ourselves on it somewhere - I know I could.

Either way, I do think the sensitivity thing is linked to confidence in one's own perspectives. If you decide that other people's insensitive remarks don't matter, because your worldview is the right one for you, then it becomes easier to ignore them without feeling hurt. Maybe you just need to keep reminding yourself that sometimes people are assholes and therefore their opinion doesn't count.

And I also think that sensitive people are lovely to have around - they tend to be caring and empathetic and all-round decent people, so I'm glad there are people like you in the world.

The best definition I ever heard for being introverted was that being around other people drains your energy, whereas it gives energy to extroverts. So introverted people need time to recharge their batteries in between social occasions and situations. I myself can't bloody stand busy shopping areas, concerts with no seating, basically anywhere I can't have personal space or escape in a hurry. I hate having non-stop social engagements, or people staying for more than a few days and my small talk abilities are zero. Yet other people thrive on that sort of thing and still others are indifferent.

I agree with PP though - fake it till you make it. Try literally shrugging at upsetting comments. Put them into a mental drawer labelled 'bullshit', whatever works!

SorchaN I take your point but it's a bit reductionist to say not liking small talk is an Asperger's sign...it's often just a sign someone is introverted! In fact disliking small talk is classic introvert territory. Thank your kind words though, that's really nice to hear and I hope your daughter is ok.

Teeste yes, I've also heard that definition and it is perfect. I do try faking it and people seem to buy it but I don't feel it inside and that's the bit that bothers me...

Anyhow, thank you everyone for your wisdom, I am very grateful.

If I were as sensitive as I was when I was younger, I would not post for advice on Mumsnet. As learning curves go, it's too steep, IMO.

I have just got less sensitive and more assertive as I have got older.

I'm exactly the same OP.. I'm introvert and when I speak to most people I end up over compensating and feeling like I sound like a twat.

My sister is the opposite and can literally just brush off a comment without a second thought, we clash a lot because of that.

I'm very confident and although I don't like social things, once there I deal with it like a very confident, self assured person.

I tend to find that when I do stand up for myself, I sort of come across all wrong and end up feeling like I've said too much, or in the wrong way.. and then feel bad for upsetting the other person and end up dwelling on it for days/weeks.

I've posted on here a few times and some people are very scathing in what they say, and I too find it quite upsetting, even if what they have said is technically not awful, but to me it's a personal insult and it hurts really deep. I just don't think some people understand how their comments make the other person feel.