Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be upset by my 43 year old sister 'unfriending' me on facebook?

69 replies

jamjarscrunchie · 20/02/2015 09:27

sorry this is going to be a bit long but you need the background really. My sister is my Dad's daughter from his first marriage and I have always had a bit of a difficult relationship with her. She is 18 years older than me (my mother was my Dad's third wife and sixteen years younger than him, so there wasn't a huge amount of age difference between my sister and my mum) and when I was little we were quite close, but when I got older and started having my own opinions I realise she was quite difficult. It's incredibly easy to offend her - I won't go into the list of what does now as I would be writing forever - and she has got the most enormous chip on her shoulder and a completely false view that my Dad 'favours' his children with my mum (there are three of us) over her.

This is untrue for a couple of reasons: My Dad is an appalling, absent father. My parents split up when I was fourteen (he ran off with one of her friends) and since then my mum has largely done the parenting alone (my other siblings are all younger than me, I am 25). He treats us all the exact same way her treats my sister. The only reason she had more experience of him being absent than I did is because her parents split up when she was two or three. My brother, incidentally, was only two when my Dad left my Mum so he has had the exact same experience, but she has this major victim mentality that insists she was the one who was hard done by.

She had a baby a couple of years ago and that improved our relationship a little as she seemed to soften somewhat (she is usually very hard, unaffectionate and can be quite bitchy and spiteful, particularly towards my mum who I suspect she is a bit jealous of). I love my nephew to bits. She then split up with the baby's father which was not a surprise as she is really an incredibly difficult person to get on with, as I have said. So she then moved away to another county, in the middle of nowhere, with no car and no nearby train station. So it is really difficult for us to see her - my mum works six days a week including nights and my siblings and I have no viable means of transportation.

Anyway, my mum invited her for christmas this year, as she always does, and my sister ruined the whole occasion: she was rude to us, rude to our other guests, didn't contribute anything, moaned about the food, sulked in the living room away from everyone else for most of the day and wouldn't let anyone else near my nephew.

Three days later I realise she had 'unfriended' me from facebook, which really upset me as I have got literally no idea why. She hasn't done the same thing to any of my other siblings, or to my father (who she always claims to be furious with). Why she has singled me out I have literally no idea.

Any advice on how to deal with this at all and AIBU to get so upset by it? I have been sitting on it for a while and don't know what to do. Happy to answer any more questions if needed.

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 14:58

Well I think the OP's sister sounds like an awkward old bint.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 14:59

lol quite possibly an awkward old bint yes

Nomama · 20/02/2015 15:00

OP has quite clearly outlined that her older sister has an irrational dislike of her and her siblings... that they got the fathering she lacked...

saturnvista I am a psychologist... OK not an expert in family relationships, but I spend a lot of my non teaching time offering CBT style sessions to a wide range of people.

scrunchiemount · 20/02/2015 15:13

no perhaps nasty was the wrong word, suspect I am being more sensitive to it because I have an almost identical situation in my own family, with an absent father and v v difficult half sister who does have an entirely false belief that he was around for us and not for her (not true, he's the same with all of us)

also I have posted about this situation once before and received an immediate wave of defensive posts feeling sorry for my sister from people who made false assumptions that my dad had left her mother for my own mother etc etc....I do think there is a bias on MN against second families. Having a crap parent doesn't give you a monopoly on victimhood - I can't count the number of people I know with fathers who are either violent or totally absent...it's very sad.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2015 15:25

Good grief.

'I don't like my sister. She doesn't like me. She's defriended me.'

Nothing to do with second families, projection, armchair psychiatry, nastiness or anything else.

It's just common sense. Let it go.

Bravenewworld1 · 20/02/2015 16:25

scrunchie- what is her relationship like with her own mother . the reason I ask this question is that your mother kindly invited her for Christmas , is this because her own mother is unsupportive or absent. if she is this would not excuse her unpleasantness but maybe it would expain a few things maybe she is jealous of you because of your mum

saturnvista · 20/02/2015 17:12

Nomama

You're not serious! Is that why your contribution was so well thought through and sensitively conveyed? And does your profession mean you have more right than anyone else to put forward a theory? Your theory had been better offered by 'amateurs' several times already, as it happened.

Nomama · 20/02/2015 17:21

Oh dear! Saturnvista, what part of my original reply did you dislike so much? I offered no theory. I offered the suggestion that direct communication might be useful but that, given their troubled pasts Op may have to accept that she cannot have a relationship with her sister. That any communication may be less than amicable.

OP stated quite clearly that her older sister can't see that they have all been damaged by their dad... so it isn't a big leap to state that she may not be able to see past her personal truth and experiences to allow a reconciliation.

Maybe I just read what OP wrote and offered a suggestion without trying to judge who was right or wrong.

As for sensitivity... the only people I was rude to were those berating OP. If that cap fits you are welcome to wear it!

lem73 · 20/02/2015 17:33

Op I agree some posters have been very hard on you. Given the background, I'm amazed you have any relationship at all. I totally understand the concept of not liking a relative but wanting to maintain a relationship with her. Sometimes it's possible, sometimes it's not. I would ignore her deleting you on on Facebook and wouldn't attempt to contact her at the moment.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2015 17:38

You just answered your question in your op. She is the one with the problem, not you. I would not let it affect you.

Bluepants · 20/02/2015 17:53

Op I'm sorry to say this but I just don't think that you can have the wonderful relationship with her that you want. She sounds very damaged by the past. Did her mum have any other kids with your dad? As if it was just her and her mum after he left, that's possibly in some cases harder than if the mum had been left with 2 or more dc. My dad left 4 of us with our mum so actually going from 6 to 5 when he left was probably not as traumatic as your sister's situation.

Your dad has been a terrible parent. It has impacted your sister heavily and she is still very very angry.

Re your nephew, that's really up to her as she's his mum.

In your position, I'd take a step back and adjust my expectations. She's 43. It's not like she's really going to change.

laughingmyarseoff · 20/02/2015 18:11

At the moment at least, possibly not in the future even, you aren't going to have much of a relationship with your sister or nephew. Unless she chooses to maintain a relationship, you can't force one or talk someone around who doesn't want to be.

Your dad has been awful to all of you, each of you can only make your peace with that in your own way and your sister doesn't want to or isn't ready to do so.

In regards to your mum and other siblings coaxing her to come to things like Christmas, you should stop. Just issue the same invitation that you would to each other. If she doesn't choose to attend or doesn't be social if she does- don't draw attention to it. If she's a drama queen she'll hate it, if she needs space and to do things in her own time then she'll thank you for it.

With the facebook defriending, just ignore it- it's the same as the above, if she's trying in any way to get drama or be passive aggressive then the ignoring with really piss her off. If she needs space, she'll be relieved.

saturnvista · 20/02/2015 19:16

Nonomama
Well, it won't help to get into it now but your paraphrasing didn't include the part where you holler 'Whoa' to 'all the amateur psychologists'. That was dismissive of other posters who had offered perfectly reasonable and carefully thought through possible explanations.

It also didn't mention the fact where you tell the OP: 'you are the reason she lost her dad'. It is ludicrous that the poster who can be so insensitive is a trained psychologist who doesn't even notice this error when she's looking for it.

As for theories, no one else was reckless enough to make such a strong prediction as 'she will be almost programmed to dislike...'. I'm incredulous that your years in practice haven't taught you that people are complex and defy simplistic formulas like this one. Especially when you haven't met them and know so little about them. For all you know, the parent who abandoned this person could have been a child abuser and her behaviour is originating from guilt. Regardless, children don't always feel like this.

Anyway. My entire mouth is lacerated with mouth ulcers so I'm feeling edgy. I answered your questions, let's leave it.

EddieStobbart · 20/02/2015 20:32

Fucks sake, OP I hope you're ok.

redexpat · 20/02/2015 21:06

Whatever the reason, it will be all about her, and not about you. It is upsetting being unfriended by family on FB, especially when there's been no obvious fall out, so you get no closure. Dont know what else to suggest really.

AntiHop · 20/02/2015 21:34

Yanbu. I'd feel upset if my sister had unfriended me but not other family members.

free2bme · 20/02/2015 21:46

I think some posters have been quite mean towards you.
Many of us have ambivalent feelings towards family members-it is not as straightforward as disliking them as with an acquaintance-history and affection mingle with frustration and dislike.

YANBU to be hurt that you have been singled out for "de-friending" but I would advise you not to pursue it and wait to see what happens.

She has obviously been hurt by your Dad's uncaring behaviour (as have you all) and her perceptions are skewed by this.

Naty1 · 20/02/2015 23:08

One of my friends defriended me on fb. It was im sure a genuine error by fb.
As when i rerequested they accepted and i notice another friend has just recently been made friends again, so this was over xmas.
No way either of us had done anything so it must have been the one friends profile.
You could just try requesting again and if they reject you can ask a reason

laughingmyarseoff · 21/02/2015 09:48

Naty1 They may have unlinked you if either were inactive for over 6 months, or they might have done what my cousin likes to do: defriended you because you haven't been 'interested enough' in them and this pushes you to reconnect and shows them who still wants them.

Flip

1 2 3