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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by my 43 year old sister 'unfriending' me on facebook?

69 replies

jamjarscrunchie · 20/02/2015 09:27

sorry this is going to be a bit long but you need the background really. My sister is my Dad's daughter from his first marriage and I have always had a bit of a difficult relationship with her. She is 18 years older than me (my mother was my Dad's third wife and sixteen years younger than him, so there wasn't a huge amount of age difference between my sister and my mum) and when I was little we were quite close, but when I got older and started having my own opinions I realise she was quite difficult. It's incredibly easy to offend her - I won't go into the list of what does now as I would be writing forever - and she has got the most enormous chip on her shoulder and a completely false view that my Dad 'favours' his children with my mum (there are three of us) over her.

This is untrue for a couple of reasons: My Dad is an appalling, absent father. My parents split up when I was fourteen (he ran off with one of her friends) and since then my mum has largely done the parenting alone (my other siblings are all younger than me, I am 25). He treats us all the exact same way her treats my sister. The only reason she had more experience of him being absent than I did is because her parents split up when she was two or three. My brother, incidentally, was only two when my Dad left my Mum so he has had the exact same experience, but she has this major victim mentality that insists she was the one who was hard done by.

She had a baby a couple of years ago and that improved our relationship a little as she seemed to soften somewhat (she is usually very hard, unaffectionate and can be quite bitchy and spiteful, particularly towards my mum who I suspect she is a bit jealous of). I love my nephew to bits. She then split up with the baby's father which was not a surprise as she is really an incredibly difficult person to get on with, as I have said. So she then moved away to another county, in the middle of nowhere, with no car and no nearby train station. So it is really difficult for us to see her - my mum works six days a week including nights and my siblings and I have no viable means of transportation.

Anyway, my mum invited her for christmas this year, as she always does, and my sister ruined the whole occasion: she was rude to us, rude to our other guests, didn't contribute anything, moaned about the food, sulked in the living room away from everyone else for most of the day and wouldn't let anyone else near my nephew.

Three days later I realise she had 'unfriended' me from facebook, which really upset me as I have got literally no idea why. She hasn't done the same thing to any of my other siblings, or to my father (who she always claims to be furious with). Why she has singled me out I have literally no idea.

Any advice on how to deal with this at all and AIBU to get so upset by it? I have been sitting on it for a while and don't know what to do. Happy to answer any more questions if needed.

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 10:09

nor would I seaoflove if she was not being all patronising and saying 'oh but I do love her' - er, no you do not OP.

gaslamp · 20/02/2015 10:09

I see why you are upset and understand that you can love someone even if you find their behaviour and personality incredibly difficult. Difficult to know what to do...she sounds v complex. I would text her like normal and be chatty / ask how she is etc. Don't acknowledge you've realised she's deleted you. Or say you've noticed, you were hurt but that you love her and does she want to talk

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 10:10

and why on earth would the nephew want a relationship, 'at a much later date' with someone who obviously hates his mother? Not going to happen, is it?

seaoflove · 20/02/2015 10:14

I don't think OP hates her sister. Dislikes maybe, and it looks like justifiably so.

saturnvista · 20/02/2015 10:14

I don't doubt she is as difficult as you say but I do think that you close down her opportunities to change by believing the worst about her. From what you've said, nothing is your fault, everything negative in your relationship is her fault, if she sits on her own she is 'sulking', if she devotes herself to her child she is 'not letting anyone else near him', if she doesn't feel like talking pleasantly to you she's the most dreadful person ever, if she falls out with someone it will be her fault because she 'has a history of it'. How awful to have to go to your mother's for Christmas? Where is your sister's mother? As if she didn't go through enough being abandoned by your dad, she now has to pretend to be family with people she clearly doesn't feel are family and who have a poor opinion of her. It doesn't matter how nice you think you're being to her (and I doubt that you're disguising your dislike as well as you think) you're still not her 'real'family and being with you is clearly painful for her. On the subject of her victim complex, I don't actually think you're in a position to decide that you got as bad a deal as she did. It sounds like you had your father living in the home for longer than she did. Crucially, you had your father during the years that should have been hers, when she needed him. That on its own could be enough to make a relationship impossible, irrational though it is. It's what she feels and she's under no moral obligation to override it for your sake.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 10:16

in that case Seaoflove, why bother?
good post Saturn.

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 10:18

Where is her mum?

diddl · 20/02/2015 10:21

OP, over the years, how have you got on?

Have you made more of an effort since she had her son?

It's sad if you don't get to see him, but unsurprising if you don't get on & she lives abroad!

Pancakeflipper · 20/02/2015 10:33

You don't have the same experiences. Hers will be a totally different story. Possibly a lonely one. As crap as your relationship was with your father, she might envy that you had your siblings as support and love.

There's no quick fix. You could speak to her and ask if you have upset her. But it sounds like she's got a lot of issues and you cannot sort them out for her. Maybe a note to say you love her?

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 10:37

I agree with seaoflove
Also it's nice that you have constructed your relationship as close but if you never lived together perhaps you are less close than you might think. Whatever the situation, it is not your problem. I think you need to stop feeling guilty about her life experience. You haven't "taken" anything from her. Some people do just fix on things from their childhood to mull over for their entire life, letting the rot eat away. This is not your problem and it's not your fault she's lonely, though it is sad. I think you need to accept she's a difficult family member and minimise her involvement in things she could ruin (i.e. xmas). You can still send the nephew birthday cards and so on. Focus on happiness in your own life. She ought to be doing the same.

Marynary · 20/02/2015 11:18

I think that in this situation who is and isn't right or wrong is irrelevant. OP doesn't like her sister and as a consequence whatever her sister does will be viewed negatively. She even blames her sister for her relationship breakdown with the father or the child despite probably not knowing much about it. Why would her sister want to have anything to do with someone who feels that way about her?

rinabean · 20/02/2015 11:28

If your sister posted we would tell her to get rid of this nasty cow who hates her, absolutely despises her, finds fault with literally everything she does whether or not it's her business, but still is all like 'but my nephew :( :(' which she has no right to be.

"Omg my mom is the same age as her but I don't get why she has something against my dad?? Is it just because she's a cow? Is that why dad left her, actually? In fact, is that why dad left all of us, because my nasty evil useless sister made him bad? I bet it's her fault, everything else is! Btw why doesn't she like me? :( I love her :("

It's funny how you claim to be the mature one who has insight because... you're not. What advice can be given to you? It might be possible to repair your relationship but you don't want to. You should be happy she's cut you out, that's surely what you want?

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 11:31

I completely understand where you're coming from OP - there is a huge bias on Mumsnet against so-called 'second families'.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2015 11:34

I think this has fuck all to do with second families tbh.
My comments were based around my relationship with my own sister .

If you don't like each other then keeping away from each other is just sensible.

ressyHedMair · 20/02/2015 11:51

yes, maybe it's your MOTHER she's really jealous of. Your mother invited her round on christmas day. That's a big gesture, not all would think of it, never mind do it. To ask an x's daughter over. Your mother is obviously fairly caring, capable of providing a home, and pulling together a family. Is her own mother capable of doing this.

Nomama · 20/02/2015 12:00

Woah! All the armchair psychologists. Stop projecting your own anxst onto OP. And yes, I am using that oft overworked word properly!

jamjars you are absolutely allowed to be bewildered, hurt, resentful of your older sister. Her feelings are no finer than yours. You have both been let down by the same man, in slightly different ways. You will have very different views of what happened. She will be almost programmed to dislike you and your sibs, you are all the reason she lost her dad. She is entitled to feel that way and you are entitled to want her to see things from your perspective - given that you are not evil!

I doubt there is much you can do. But could you ring her, travel down and see her and talk to her? Tell her you miss her and your nephew and would hate it if she just disappeared from your life.

Be prepared to be told some hurtful things though. And to accept that she just can't play happy families with you.

Good luck.

Marynary · 20/02/2015 12:02

I don't have any opinions on second families either. I just think that there are two sides to every story. I also think that you can't make every one like you and if someone doesn't it is best to have as little to do with them as possible even in they are family. Life is too short to hang around people who are not on your side.

JackieTheFart · 20/02/2015 12:10

Fuck sake, describe a person as she is and you're being mean - don't and I've not doubt people would want more info then accuse of drip feeding.

OP YANBU. Can you text her?

Callooh · 20/02/2015 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2015 12:15

The op may well be describing her sister accurately but surely that simply confirms that they don't like each other and should leave each other alone

saturnvista · 20/02/2015 13:28

Nonomama

Amateur psychologists?! Pot. Kettle. Black.

rosepetalsoup · 20/02/2015 14:03

She will be almost programmed to dislike you and your sibs, you are all the reason she lost her dad. In what sense are they remotely responsible for her 'losing' her dad?! OP doesn't say anywhere that her mum was the OE, does she?!

diddl · 20/02/2015 14:06

"She will be almost programmed to dislike you and your sibs, you are all the reason she lost her dad"

How so?

There was another wife between Op's mum & her sister's.

And none of the women might be the reason that Ops sister's parents split!

scrunchiemount · 20/02/2015 14:52

Wow, there really is a crazy amount of hatred towards second families on Mumsnet isn't there (OP hello from a fellow 'scrunchie' ). Anyway your sister sounds exactly like my half sister (also older, also different mothers). I think it was very generous of your mum to have her over christmas!

OP has clearly stated the sister fell out with her own mother too and also the Dad had three wives?! OP's mum did not cause relationship breakdown with OP's sister's mum.

suspect there are a lot of posters on here projecting their own sibling issues onto OP. I don't think the way she described her sister was mean at all if it was honest. She asked for advice and people are just coming on here to slate her for being 'horrible'.

Mumsnet has become really nasty lately, don't worry OP.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/02/2015 14:55

I do not think anyone has been nasty, scrunchie, other than they have questioned the language of the first post. What do you expect people to do, just verbally 'stroke' the OP and tell her she is right, of course.

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