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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel my brother's girlfriend doesn't like me or my son

60 replies

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 17:20

My brother is 12 years younger than me and still lives at home, his gf is 21 and they've been together for about a year, she stays over nearly every night. I have another brother who is more my age who has a two yr old daughter and a baby boy. I have a 7yr old boy and am pregnant.

My brothers gf is a special needs teacher so would be quite keen on children, you would think. My niece gets left with my parents a LOT since the baby was born since SIL finds it hard to cope with two small children.
The gf is constantly posting pictures of Facebook of niece, saying how cute she is, funny sayings etc and is always commenting on SIL's wall about days out she has planned for her etc. My son adores my youngest brother and he is really good with him when he sees him, play fighting with him etc but they never take him out and wouldn't see him if he didn't go there once a week after school. When he does go to the house, the gf doesn't even acknowledge DS as in doesn't even say hello. She doesn't ask him anything about himself like how was school and I've never seen them having a conversation, she just ignores him.
I saw her today and asked her a series of questions about how she was, was she enjoying the holidays etc and she has never once asked me a single question back. I'm pregnant FFS, it's not hard to think of conversation with me. I was showing my mother my scan pictures and gf didn't even look at them. She has so little interest in me and DS.
I think it's all the public gushing about my niece that makes it worse. I just think she could say hello to DS, it's really rude.
I have three SILs in total and get on with all of them so I don't think it's me.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 19/02/2015 17:33

Why don't you ask your brother if you've done anything to offend GF as you got the impression that she wasn't very chatty with you.

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 18:10

He is quite hot tempered and likely to take anything like that the wrong way. I know I should ask him.
The only thing I can think of that I've done is once tell my brother off in front of her for leaving dirty pants on the floor, his clothes in a puddle and the bath water still in and leaving our mother to sort it out when she was ill and exhausted. I'm afraid that sometimes siblings do have crossed words but that is none of her business and he was out of order so I told him so.

I feel like commenting on her photos of the day out with niece tomorrow that how nice it would have been if DS had been invited to the seaside too but that would be childish.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2015 18:18

It's hard for anyone here to say.

Perhaps she really doesn't like you/your DS for some reason, or maybe she's just closer to your niece.

Still no reason for her to be ignorant though.

JudgeyHotPants · 19/02/2015 18:18

I think you may be imagining things. Has she specifically been rude to you or your son? The close bond between the GF and your niece is probably more down to them being in the same house a lot of the time and not a slight against your son. Remember two year olds and seven year olds are very different, maybe she feels more at ease with younger children. A lot of people do.

I also don't see why they should be obliged to take your son out?

whodrankmycoffee · 19/02/2015 18:21

She sounds incredibly shy

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/02/2015 18:22

A lot of my friends (19-22ish) love Interacting with my 10mo DD and their toddler cousins and nieces/nephews, but find older children tiring/irritating. Obviously that doesn't apply to everyone our age but I see it a lot.

Are the kids she teaches your sons age? Possibly she isn't trying to be rude, she just wants to spend time with younger children? She sees your niece more often too.

I struggle to find much to talk about with my SIL who is 11 years older than me. She never asked anything about my pregnancy and showed total disinterest but she had her reasons. Maybe your brothers gf does too?

Pico2 · 19/02/2015 18:23

I think it can be to easier to like a 2 year old than a 7 year old.

CaspoFungin · 19/02/2015 18:24

I reckon she just knows the two year old better from all the time they've spent together, plus it can be a novelty taking a two year old out when you don't have one but taking a 7 year old is less appealing!

And with feeling like she doesn't like you either, she probably is the same with your other Brothers parter, is she? And is just making polite small talk but maybe if you're a bit older she isn't interested in becoming friends other than through your bother?

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 18:26

I don't expect them to take my son out but I think he should be treated equally to my niece. He's actually going out with his friend tomorrow but would have loved to have been asked to go out with his uncle even if he couldn't go.
She hasn't been specifically rude to either or us but I would call not acknowledging the existence of a child being rude. She doesn't even look at him when she sees him. Like she despises him. Remember she's a teacher.
I'll just have to suck it up then. I will mention it to our mother as I'm not being made to feel unwelcome in my family home by her but I will be deleting her off Facebook and not painfully trying to make conversation with her again. I had learned by her age that you ask questions even if you aren't interested in the answers. Hopefully they will split up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 18:29

Caspo no she loves my other SIL (brother's wife, mother of niece) and is constantly sucking up to her. She is the same age as me. Maybe it is just as he's 7, that would make sense. He's a lovely boy though not naughty or irritating, she's missing out.
She needn't think she will be having anything to do with my new baby if she can't be civil to my son.

OP posts:

MoanCollins · 19/02/2015 18:30

My brother and his GF lived at home with my parents and if I'd spoken to him like that in front of her she, quite rightly, wouldn't have been impressed. If you wanted to bring it up with him fair enough, but telling him off like a naughty child in front of his partner is not the way to go about it.

Ditto the 'crossed words' being 'none of her business'. Has it occurred to you that if you think what happens between you and your brother is 'none of her business' she feels pushed out, disrespected and her relationship with him minimized? When someone has a partner they will have opinions on how their partners interact with their family and what their relationships are like. If she feels you belittle her partner she will have an opinion on it, she has every right to, and you can't insist she is nice to you even if she doesn't like it because it's 'none of her business'.

I would ask your brother if you have done something to upset her. But I suspect she may well find the way you have spoken to your brother inappropriate. Perhaps your family would find it okay for siblings to speak to each other like that, a lot of families wouldn't though.

QueenofallIsee · 19/02/2015 18:32

I think you might be being a bit over sensitive. I have 4 dcs, my youngest is 7 so I feel that I can say with no agenda that a 2yr old lisping tow headed toddler is a whole heap cuter to strangers than my flatulence obsessed, play fighting, grubby fingered (yet awesome) son! I think that your brothers girlfriend probably found it easier to coo over a baby (seeing as she joined your family when your niece was 1) than make an effort with a 6yr old. More fool her really as she will be missing out on how cool kids can be at that age.

QueenofallIsee · 19/02/2015 18:32

saintlyjimjams · 19/02/2015 18:32

She probably likes 2 year old girls more than 7 year old boys. They're quite different aren't they? Personally give me a 7 year old boy any day, but each to their own. She may be different with your baby.

Andanotherthing123 · 19/02/2015 18:32

Does your son go to his go house once a week with you or on his own? What happens when you say hello directly to her? Does she blank you? It's hard to work out what's going on really.

JudgeyHotPants · 19/02/2015 18:33

I don't know what her being a teacher has to do with it? Being a teacher doesn't mean you have to gush over an interact with every single child you see, and she might not even teach children of your sons age anyway. She could teach older kids or teens?

Do you really think your son would want to hang around with a two year old rather than a friend of a similar age? I can't imagine many seven year olds would.

There is a large age gap between you and this girl, maybe she doesn't know how to talk to you? She could be shy, or maybe she senses that you have an issue with her because let's face it it's obvious that you do. You seem to be looking for problems where theses not one, and I think the real issue here is that you feel put out because your PFB isn't getting the gushing attention you think he deserves.

FireflySerenity · 19/02/2015 18:34

Perhaps she doesn't make an effort as she knows you don't like her. Wanting your brother to split with his partner isn't very nice.

I have a friend who moans relatives don't pay her children enough attention, what she fails to realise is that they know they will be palmed off with them at any opportunity so they just don't give her the option of doing it anymore.

Finola1step · 19/02/2015 18:40

Ah, I suspect this is all about the cuteness factor. Your brother and his gf can take out cutie pie niece and enjoy all the admiring glances. They get to play "mums and dads" for a bit.

But a 7 year old? Not so cute. Interesting yes. But quite low down in the cute list. I say this as a mum to a near 7 year old boy and a just 4 year old girl.

This is all about his gf enjoying the company if a 2 year old because it fulfills something in her. The teacher bit has nothing to do with it. This is nothing to do with you and your ds. Let it slide. Once your dn is older or the gf has a baby of her own, things will be very different.

JudgeyHotPants · 19/02/2015 18:41

I missed the comment about how you hope they will split up. Spiteful and unnecessary, I don't think you sound like a particularly pleasant person. Your not the only woman in the history of the world to be pregnant and I'm not sure why you think this entitles you to special attention?

Branleuse · 19/02/2015 18:44

i think shes just probably much more in love with a cute little 2 year old dolly, than your boy, and isnt mature enough to make sure everything is fair.

annielouisa · 19/02/2015 18:48

I f halfwhat you feel is manifested in how you behave towards perhaps that is why she is frosty with you.
She will know you are keen for her to split with your DB and treat him badly verbally and believe she has no right to have an opinion on how you speak to her DP.

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 18:49

Ok I probably shouldn't have spoken to him about his behaviour around the house in front of her. Maybe it was that but my mother was recovering from cancer treatment and I was worried about her and felt that he was putting onto her. They are constantly together so I don't get a chance to see him without her.

I mentioned that she was a teacher (she teaches ages 4 to 18)as I thought it may mean she had an idea how to interact with children more than most 21yr olds. My dad is a teacher and I do know they don't all like all children.
I'll just have to take it that she doesn't like him as he is 7 and not as cute as niece. It never occurred to me that was the reason so thanks for pointing it out. I'm going to find it hard to be pleasant with someone who openly dislikes my son though so I won't make any effort with her from now on.

I really didn't have much of an opinion on her either way until lately as I've been off work so have had more time to notice her gushing posts on Facebook. So I don't think that I've come across that I don't like her up until this point.
My three sister in laws are genuine friends to me and I love them so I don't see why I would come across so differently to her.

Andanother son gets picked up from school by my mother until I finish work. We sometimes also go there on weekends so she sees him quite a lot. She will answer any number of questions I ask her but if I didn't make conversation she would stare at her phone or the tv.

OP posts:

MoanCollins · 19/02/2015 18:50

I have to say as the thread has gone on and you've said some more stuff I don't think you're being completely open about your own role in this. You're stirring things up with your mother, you say you hope they split up, you speak to your brother in a way which is inappropriate between adult siblings and you're keeping a tally of what each child gets. I suspect if we were to hear your sister in laws side of things we might hear a very different story.

I think possibly the best thing to do would be to sit her down, ask her nicely if you have upset her and ask if you can clear the air and have a fresh start. Be prepared she may tell you a few home truths which you might not like, and calmly tell her how she has upset you. But do make it clear that it's in a 'clearing the air' way. Not an accusing way.

I hate to say it but all this complaining to your mother, hoping they split up, deleting her on facebook; I think she may possibly think you're a bit of a nightmare and have a point...

coppertop · 19/02/2015 18:50

At 21, I don't think it would have occurred to me that I should show a particular interest in my boyfriend's sister's son. I also would've assumed that his sister's scan photos were none of my business.

At that age she also surely wouldn't have been a teacher for very long either.

Original poster

Turquoisetamborine · 19/02/2015 18:52

judgeyhotpants thanks for your constructive comments. I am actually a nice person. I have many, many friends and am well liked in my family. I am simply feeling that someone is being unpleasant to my son and like a lot of parents this puts me on the defensive.
I mentioned that I was pregnant as I think it's easy to make conversation involving names etc. I am well aware that I am not the first person to be pregnant but thanks anyway.

OP posts:

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