To feel my brother's girlfriend doesn't like me or my son

[Turquoisetamborine]

My brother is 12 years younger than me and still lives at home, his gf is 21 and they've been together for about a year, she stays over nearly every night. I have another brother who is more my age who has a two yr old daughter and a baby boy. I have a 7yr old boy and am pregnant.

My brothers gf is a special needs teacher so would be quite keen on children, you would think. My niece gets left with my parents a LOT since the baby was born since SIL finds it hard to cope with two small children.
The gf is constantly posting pictures of Facebook of niece, saying how cute she is, funny sayings etc and is always commenting on SIL's wall about days out she has planned for her etc. My son adores my youngest brother and he is really good with him when he sees him, play fighting with him etc but they never take him out and wouldn't see him if he didn't go there once a week after school. When he does go to the house, the gf doesn't even acknowledge DS as in doesn't even say hello. She doesn't ask him anything about himself like how was school and I've never seen them having a conversation, she just ignores him.
I saw her today and asked her a series of questions about how she was, was she enjoying the holidays etc and she has never once asked me a single question back. I'm pregnant FFS, it's not hard to think of conversation with me. I was showing my mother my scan pictures and gf didn't even look at them. She has so little interest in me and DS.
I think it's all the public gushing about my niece that makes it worse. I just think she could say hello to DS, it's really rude.
I have three SILs in total and get on with all of them so I don't think it's me.

you don't gel with everyone. i like my sil (although bil is a cock) but we don't have much in common. couldn't have more polarised views on parenting/politics etc so it never really gets past small talk. its not that i don't like her its just we never became friends. gushing posts on fb are irritating no matter who posts them you would be beyond childish if you commented.

The more this thread goes on the more controlling you sound. Perhaps she is wary of you?

moancollins I haven't complained to my mother about her. I am considering asking her what the gf's problem is with me as she may know but I haven't said anything to her as yet.
The incident I mentioned is the only argument me and my brother have ever had. I don't make a habit of being argumentative with him but I was beside myself with worry for my mother who had cancer.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this as I feel it may make the problem bigger. I don't want to discuss it with my H as I don't want him to have a problem with her.
Maybe I'm being over sensitive due to hormones and there is no problem. You only think of these things through discussion which is why I posted.

You are presuming that she doesn't like your son, but from what you've described and presuming that you are being honest with us, it seems more like a general disinterest in him rather than an out and out dislike. Some people just don't like children or don't know how to interact with them, or maybe she just feels that she spends enough time with children in her job she can't be bothered with them outside of work. Or maybe your son is naughty/difficult and she actually doesn't like him...

The point I'm making is that there are endless possibilities here and you seem to presuming she doesn't like your son because she doesn't gush over him in a way you think she should do, but she is not obliged to do it either.

I have to say OP you sound incredibly hard work. Taking against someone because they don't gush over your son and don't ask your questions about your pregnancy. I'm guessing there is probably much more to this than we are being told.

being pregnant is REALLY boring if you never have been, and are not ttc so not really a conversation starter in all honesty.

try not to take it personally it really isn't.

I always wonder why people expect to be liked, of course not everyone likes us. Do you like everyone else, OP?

Are you close to your brother, OP? That may have a bearing on it.

I don't think that her being a teacher or not has anything to do with liking children or not, it's a job for some, a vocation for others.

If she senses that you and she are not on the best of terms, why would she ask you questions about your pregnancy - or any questions? Sometimes it's just easier to smile and say nothing.

I would think twice about speaking to your mum about this too, she has to then decide between you and your brother and you're both adults. She shouldn't have to referee between you now and you're in danger of coming across as unreasonable and causing a rift in the family.

You say that you get on with your SILs, do they take your son out? Why do you think your brother should do this specifically? Do you all go out as a family, do you take your niece/nephews out? Are you there all the time when your son is there? How do you know that she ignores him (all the time). Does your son like her?

You need a coping mechanism maybe. You can't talk to your brother about this (you said), so polite indifference may be the way to go. Don't make a point of liking or disliking this woman, she may be in your brother's life for a long time. Keep your own counsel and say/do nothing that will upset the applecart until you've really thought through the consequences. Your brother and his girlfriend LIVE THERE, you don't. Meet your mum/dad away from the family home once in a while maybe?

I hope you can find a way through this. Families are difficult - and you are pregnant and possibly a little bit sensitive. Try to step back from your situation a little bit and let things pan out amongst family members as they will - you have your son (and new baby) to consider. Nevermind what the others do/don't do.

I too think she senses you dislike her. She's answering your questions, so she is being civil, but she's just doing the basics, fair enough. She doesn't sound as though she has actively been rude to you, maybe you're just not compatible?

Some of the things you've said have been a bit childish, hoping they split up, saying your DS couldn't have gone but would have been liked to be asked etc. I wonder if she has picked up on your antipathy so doesn't want to engage with you if she doesn't help it?

Oh god, don't speak (or "complain" ) to your mum about it!

Be an adult, if you really think it needs raising, raise it with her. But I wouldn't.

It's hard when you feel that someone doesn't like your child-yanbu to feel defensive, especially when you're pregnant and the hormones are making you more defensive than ever (my ds critised my ds1 while I was pregnant with ds3 and I found it hard to move on, it still hurts me now tbh).

It does sound as though she's just enjoying playing with dn and hasn't given you and ds much thought, which is why you feel she dislikes you. Try to keep your calm and enjoy the time you spend with your parents and forget about her. Step away from fb too!

I don't like everyone but I meet a lot of people I don't like at work and can make conversation with them and pretend to be interested even if I'm not.
So should I assume I'm being hormonal and I'm actually the problem and carry on asking questions or just give up making conversation? I do accept I am sensitive at the moment which is why I posted for objective views.
judgey there really is nothing more to the situation. I see her weekly, try to make one sided conversation, talk normally to my brother who is friendly as usual towards me and DS.
I shouldn't have said I want them to split up, I don't want her to actively like me and DS just to be pleasant.

I will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she is shy and simply not interested in 7yr olds and thinks I am too old to have anything of interest to say. I will cease asking her questions and will not mention it to anyone else.

That should be dsis critised my ds1...

I think some of the posters are being quite hard on you. I do agree your ds being past the 'cute' stage has something to do with the different attitudes. From your description she does sound quite cool towards you. If this is based on the single incident you described, that's pathetic. I've seen my dh and his db quarrel several times and I see it as sibling stuff that is nothing to do with me. I do feel sorry for you because my brother's wife was like that when she first came on the scene. She just got worse and worse over the years and now I don't see my brother at all. My only advice is to is to chill out. I think being more aggressive eg posting on facebook will play into her hands.

I would ask her to her face why she won't even say hello to your son.

You know some of my closest friends were friendships that were ready slow burners, including one of my SIL's. I think I was in awe of her - she was older, knew everything, did loads, very successful in her field and well known. In my late teens I was intimidated. I never knew what to say to her. Now it's fine and I love her.

So your brother's girlfriend might be painfully awkward like I was.

Being honest with yourself are you a bit jealous of the attention your neice gets? You had 5 years of your son being the cute/ centre of attention and now he isn't.
Also was your sick mum picking up your son at the same time you were having a go at your brother for 'making more work'. I've been in a similar situation where siblings who didn't live at home had no idea how much I was doing for a sick relative and just came in and made picky comments.

Are you also a bit aggrieved that your niece is looked after in the family home quite often? It's just that you said that your SIL finds it hard with two children.

She sounds rude, just be polite to her and don't give her much notice.

she is doing well to be a teacher at 21.

The same way you're defensive of your son I'm sure she's defensive of her partner. Yes it sounds like he was in the wrong but you telling him off probably really got her back up (and people tend to be extra defensive when they're in the wrong).

She sounds pretty rude to me. She is old enough to make polite conversation with you, and I too would be distinctly unimpressed with her not acknowledging my son in any way.

oh, and I would be annoyed with my own boyfriend if he was making messes that my ill mother had to sort out.

Why do you give a shit? Ignore her and see how she likes it! She sounds like a right uppity bitch!

Marchhairy no he went to after school club when she was ill. She's much better now. I don't really need her to pick him up but she wants to. When she was ill it was a very stressful time and she tends to try to do too much for people so I try to get her to take care of herself as well. She tries to care for elderly relatives as well as grandchildren and I am conscious of not putting onto her so don't ask her to babysit unless I'm at work.
SIL with 2 yr old and baby relies on her a lot and probably goes to their house 4 days a week with her kids whereas I filled my days with baby groups etc when DS was small. I had no help from my MIL at all.
I don't think it's particularly right she uses my mother for childcare as much but I wouldn't comment on it. We do things as a family instead of going out as a couple and I'm happy to continue with that whereas SIL and older brother like to go out as a couple most Saturday nights.
She nearly 22 boney, she is on some sort of training year, don't really know but it's irrelevant anyway as I've been told .
I've hidden her on Facebook not deleted her so her posts can't upset me anymore. If the situation continues I will speak to her directly in a non confrontational way. I will assume we are just of no interest to her and be polite but distant as suggested.

Good idea hiding posts, I woulden't speak to her directly, just assume your unfortunately of no interest to her, and be civil but distance yourself.