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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad I'm not in a position to have a child?

71 replies

mytartanscarf · 19/02/2015 15:24

I think I'm at that stage where, if my circumstances were different, I'd really be seriously thinking about starting a family.

As it is, I'm not - and probably never will be.

I guess I'm not asking if I'm bu: more of a general whinge and mope. I really would like my own child

OP posts:

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 19/02/2015 22:31

I don't understand why it's become an issue given I have acknowledged myself that having a child isn't going to happen.

That doesn't mean I don't want it to - or rather, I would like to have had a life whereby having a child and being a mum was an option. Bossily being told that I don't actually want this, on the basis of one line, is irritating I'm afraid.

OP posts:

BadLad · 19/02/2015 22:40

but I like my space. I think by now I am just SO used to doing what I want, when I want, consulting no one, not having to worry about anyone but me - I honestly can't inagine sharing that with anyone.

The reasons why you don't want a partner are exactly the same as some of the reasons why I don't want a child

minionmadess · 19/02/2015 22:45

Well this AIBU and folk generally are blunt.

Personally I don't see the point of your thread. Since you've stated you don't want a partner or child, all we can do is agree that it's ok to feel as you do.

Can't see how that helps you to be fair.

missymayhemsmum · 19/02/2015 22:46

err Tartan, if you like your space, your freedom and not having to share every moment with someone what on earth makes you think you would like having a child?

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 19/02/2015 22:50

Minion - I would like both in another world, another life I think :)

Bluntness is fine; telling me what I want isn't I reserve the right to want something without actually indulging my wants!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2015 23:11

It's understanding to want the closeness and love of having a child. I'm just saying that the reality of having one isn't likely to involve space and autonomy for you. I get wanting to be the person who had the chance to have one.

As you can tell from my user name, I like MrTP. There's a great bit in one book where a man meets a women he loved decades ago. He talks about what could have been; their life and children and house. She says, "what about the fire that swept through the house?" Because you never know how life would have been.

Ispentitwithyou · 19/02/2015 23:14

What I would say is we regret the things we don't do in life far more than things we do.
One example is a friend of mine was agonising over whether to terminate her pregnancy,she really wanted the baby but is short of cash ,not long with her bf and living at home.

She asked for my advice and because she has such a loving nature I told her she should have the baby. I feel totally comfortable with that as I know once she has that child there will be stressful times but think she will fall so in love that she won't even think to second guess her previous decision. However terminating would I think have been devastating for her.

I bet if you had a child the love would get in the way of any regrets

I feel for you that things in your life may have led you to this mindset ,sorry if that sounds patronising.

It genuinely isn't meant to be.

Ispentitwithyou · 19/02/2015 23:15

Nice quote Terry

SallySolomon · 20/02/2015 00:07

God, this thread depresses me. Sorry, but it does. Not necessarily OP, but just the replies.
Stuff like So what, you never have sex? Because that's how my DS was made. I didn't choose the father, we weren't in a romantic relationship just being one of many on here.
Children deserve to be born into a secure environment where they know EXACTLY who their mum and dad are.
Why have a child you didn't choose the father with? Why would anyone do that? Sorry, but I'm one who thinks about the child they're bringing into the world as well.

SallySolomon · 20/02/2015 00:11

Truth is I know it's such a cliche but I like my space. I think by now I am just SO used to doing what I want, when I want, consulting no one, not having to worry about anyone but me - I honestly can't inagine sharing that with anyone.

Yep. Because THAT's what you're going to get having no partner but having a baby regardless. Has no-one ever told you you have NO personal space whatsoever with tiny babies?!
If you like your own space you'd be stuffed with small children. You're in a rose tinted cuckoo land.

honeycoco · 20/02/2015 06:39

Sally - RTFT. OP has said she isn't going to have a child.

Incidentally, many of us who like personal space and independence manage to nonetheless be just fine as parents (mine seem to quite like me, anyway!)

revealall · 20/02/2015 08:42

Sally why quote me with the assumption I don't know who the father is? I'm not going into details but I know everything about him from knowing him for a great many years.
And my son was born and raised into a very secure environment with lots of nice middle class values if that what you are worrying about.

And that's my point. Life is more than whatever social constructs are in place at a given time .Just because everyone bangs on about needing two incomes, needing fathers, working vs SAHM on here, the reality it is totally possible to parent happy children in a variety of circumstances.

As can never tell what the future holds; unless tartan gave up sex completely there was always a chance.

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 20/02/2015 09:11

Sally - as I HAVE said I'm not having a child. It's more about wishing my life was somewhere else. I certainly didn't expect, when I was at school, my life would look like this and okay it has and I have a happy time despite everything but all the same in another time and place I'd be married by now with a baby.

The fact I'm not that person now does make me sad and I think I can feel that without bossily being told how unsuitable and inadequate I am as a potential parent!

OP posts:

Itsgoingtoreindeer · 20/02/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longestlurkerever · 20/02/2015 13:59

I don't think anyone has said that it's a good idea to get pregnant without any idea who the father is. Just that there are many ways to make a family these days and if you really want a baby, the fact that you don't have the traditional set up isn't an insurmountable barrier. Going it alone or entering into a carefully thought through co-parenting arrangement can be just as stable as having a baby within a relationship, which after all can change or break down. Of course all these arrangements come with their own challenges and the OP may not be interested in any of them, but that's up to her.

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 20/02/2015 14:11

I agree the traditional set up is apart from anything else not always the ideal method for raising children, depending on circumstances.

However I am fairly sure going for single parenthood isn't for me. I would love to have a child - despite being painted as some sort of hedonistic party girl here I'm not at all and there's a difference between sacrificing your independence for a man who you don't want and sacrificing your independence for a child you DO want. The former - well why would I - the latter I would do willingly

BUT - both my parents were dead before I turned 20. I don't feel I can consciously bring a child into the world knowing I may leave him or her without any other family.

OP posts:

stormtreader · 20/02/2015 14:31

Ive always thought a commune would be the perfect setup for me having kids - all the maternal types get to play with the baby all day, ill work and bring in a paycheque and I get to have a child I can love and be around but also know i can have my own space when I need it and theyll be perfectly happy without me being there :D

Original poster

mytartanscarf · 20/02/2015 17:31

Too many people hanging around storm

OP posts:

stormtreader · 20/02/2015 17:35

You say hanging around, I say providing childcare while im out at work enjoying myself chatting working very hard :D

odoneel · 20/02/2015 17:37

Met DH at 33, had DS at 36. I too wasn't really into the idea of having a partner around all the time. I do love DH, and our marriage is very happy, but he works away a lot - we see him about twice a month, sometimes more if we travel to meet him- which I find myself doing more often now DS is older and more interested in the rest of the world. Works very well for us

riverboat1 · 20/02/2015 18:04

Want to swap? I am about your age and an in exactly the settled-down position to have a child, but just can't work myself up to wanting one. I wish I did want one, because I think in theory it seems like a good idea, and because I don't want to keep not wanting one then suddenly realised it's too late and regret it. But I just can't imagine what is going to make me suddenly feel that broodiness of wanting to go ahead, get pregnant, actually do it. It seems...crazily unlikely, somehow.

I probably didn't explain that very well. But I am trying to say I'm sorry, and the whole pressure of the biological clock is unfair and horrible.

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