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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel hurt.

39 replies

Recoveringandupset · 19/02/2015 14:48

I had an operation last week and am at home recovering. A couple of my friends have messaged me asking if I am okay but not one of them have asked if I need anything. This doesn't really bother me but I feel hurt by one particular friend.

Early last year, my husband was away and her husband (he is also my friend and text me after my op seeing if I was okay) was in hospital- I went to A&E at 1am so that she wasn't alone with him and stayed there until the even earlier hours, I went to the hospital every day for a week making sure they were okay and taking them various things including chocolates for the nurses. I took her, her son and her son's friend out for dinner because she wasn't eating properly, I gave her money for taxis and was basically at her beck and call with anything she needed.

When she was ill with the FLU, I bought her a balloon and took her food that she fancied, I've been there constantly for her but over this last week, I haven't even had a text, a facebook message or a tweet asking how I am. I didn't do all of those things (and more) for her to get the same in return but a message to know she'd been thinking of me would've been nice.

I may be being slightly unhinged- I cried hysterically about my husband throwing my cucumber, like and mint water away but smashed my iPad and barely cared.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2015 14:52

If her husband sent you a text, perhaps she didn't feel the need because presumably you told him you're ok?

Or maybe she's assuming if you need looking after, your husband will do it?

icelollycraving · 19/02/2015 14:55

Ok,is there something big going on in her life? Does she know you're unwell? If she does,then you are entitled to feel hurt.
The water wouldn't upset me unless it had gin with it.
Hope you feel better soon.

Leeds2 · 19/02/2015 14:55

I don't think YABU to be a bit hurt that she hasn't sent a text, but I just wonder if she feels under an obligation to do as much for you as you did for her, and she - for whatever reason - can't do that.

gobbynorthernbird · 19/02/2015 14:56

I wouldn't text someone if my partner already had.

*unless the reply was 'I'm not coping, haven't had a decent meal in a week', or similar.

diddl · 19/02/2015 15:00

Well you did a lot for her, so I can see why you are thinking that something from her would be nice.

Maybe she'd rather be asked than just do stuff?

You visited your friend's husband in hospital every day for a week, even though his wife was there?

I can't decide if that's lovely or a little OTT tbh.

PeppermintCrayon · 19/02/2015 15:36

If her husband sent you a text, perhaps she didn't feel the need because presumably you told him you're ok?

Well, sure, if she is a raving narcissist.

The text provided information about whether recoveringandupset was okay. But if it's your friend you don't just want information, you want to care and support your friend?

I would be devastated. YANBU.

countessmarkyabitch · 19/02/2015 15:42

Harsh!

Tbh, while your actions to her are very nice, they aren't what most people would do (a&e in the middle of the night to sit with her and going every single day etc) and maybe she feels pressure to be OTT with you, and doesn't know what to do. You're comfortably at home with your husband to help, it doesn't sound like you need much of anything? So maybe she's giving you peace and quiet?

nequidnimis · 19/02/2015 15:44

Text 'I'm so bored, got time to pop in for a coffee?' I expect it's easily cleared up.

diddl · 19/02/2015 15:50

Well tbf, OPs husband might be at work & she would love some company.

So I agree with nequidnimis post.

I'm not the most thoughtful person tbh.

I hope if someone wanted me to do something or go round then they would tell me rather than stewing & thinking that I didn't care.

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2015 15:53

'Raving narcissist'?

'Devastated'?

Fuck me, that's a bit OTT I think.

Inkanta · 19/02/2015 15:54

I also think you going to the hospital every day may have been too much. Usually only partners and parents go every day - if that.

I wonder if you have an ingratiation type attachment style - and whereby you get terribly disappointed when others don't feel they owe you the same back.

Inkanta · 19/02/2015 15:59

By the way I think your friend could have communicated some words of encouragement. It's possible she's not good friend material.

BalloonSlayer · 19/02/2015 16:06

Sounds like she is scared that if she asks you if you need anything you'll want all the sort of things you did for her. She doesn't want to do as much as that so she's stuck her head in the sand completely.

from me

Roussette · 19/02/2015 16:18

Yes, I would be upset I hadn't got something back but I am struggling with how much you did. I have a lifelong friend (40 years!), we are very close, and help each other through difficult times and traumas, yet I wouldn't dream of doing all that. That's the sort of thing you do for a widowed Mum who is on her own or a relation who has no family whatsoever.

I would imagine she can't step up and do what you have done, so would rather do nothing. Might be unfair but that might be it.

MrsTedCrilly · 19/02/2015 18:06

I agree with others, you were totally over the top with what you did- although with good intentions and very thoughtful! You're just that type of person but most aren't, so you just can't expect it back. It's good to remember that we can't expect people to behave as we would..

But she should have sent you a caring text

Andanotherthing123 · 19/02/2015 18:18

Yanbu to be upset, but you've set the bar so high, I wonder if she feels she can't return the favour so has just disconnected. The hospital stuff sounds very full on, but the balloon and favourite food when she has flu makes you sound too keen and could make her feel a bit overwhelmed.

I would pull back a lot for your own sake. It doesn't sound a very equal friendship.

diddl · 19/02/2015 18:51

Friendships don't have to be "equal" though.

OP did what she could & what she was prepared to.

Just because her friend can't/won't do the same doesn't mean that Op should back off necessarily.

If favours aren't returned equally & that upsets OP, she could be setting herself up for a lot of hurt.

i do think it's odd that she hasn't enquired after OP at all though just because(?) her husband has.

maddening · 19/02/2015 18:52

Did she ask you for help when she needed it? Maybe she expects you to ask her - text her if you are alone in need of company and ask if she would come over for some company?

EponasWildDaughter · 19/02/2015 19:02

Maybe she'll text this weekend?

Did her DH ask if there was anything they could do for you? Did you tell him you were fine? Just trying to get a feel for why she's not texted herself.

I agree that she might just feel that with DH by your side you were best left in peace for a few days. Is your DH with you? Are you ok?

TwoOddSocks · 19/02/2015 19:08

YANBU sounds like you've gone above and beyond for her and she should be keen to be a good friend in return. Is she normally self absorbed? Or does she maybe think of you as the strong capable one that never needs help? Are you the mummy figure of the group?

DoJo · 19/02/2015 19:42

Did she ask you to do all those things when her husband was ill? Because I would find that stifling, and would probably have preferred to be on my own in her shoes - maybe she thinks that most people just want to relax and zone out while recovering from an operation.

I can understand you feeling hard done-by not to have any contact from her, but perhaps she is holding off in case you are sleeping/feeling rough/not in the mood. I am never sure when to contact people when I know they are ill because I assume that they will just want to watch TV, snooze and not think about anything...

GoadyGeisha · 19/02/2015 19:54

You bought her a balloon when she had the flu? If someone did that for me I'd think they were .... odd.

If her husband has already text you and been reassured you are fine then she probably thinks that's sufficient contact. Maybe she will text/get in touch in a couple of days for an update.

flowerpowerspiceknicks · 19/02/2015 20:11

I,d be upset too.
Sometimes its through the crappiest times of life you realise who is really there for you. On the plus side, you will know not to expect anything from others again therefore won't be disappointed in the future.
Take care Op, I hope you have a speedy recovery

countessmarkyabitch · 19/02/2015 20:39

I think some of these responses are from the people who VagueBook with comments like "Now I know who my real friends are" and see how many "wassup hun?"'s they get.
Some people expect way too much from their friends and are generally disappointed. This is not so much a reflection of the friends in question.

Inkanta · 19/02/2015 20:45

Countess -

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